Showing posts with label tiger woods. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tiger woods. Show all posts

Monday, April 13, 2009

Wear an ugly jacket

A quick list of why golf can actually be fun to watch, if only when spring is in the air and we haven't seen so much of this as to be bored (yet)...

1) A former caddy who doesn't speak English wins after scrambling from a place where people like me hit the ball

2) An old white man faltered, breaking the hearts of all of the other old white men who had to be happy once that uppity Tiger Woods failed

3) We didn't have to watch the Augusta club officials have to fit that ugly thing around Phil Mickelson and his man boobs

4) Watching the reaction shot from the families of the players that failed, knowing that Dad's just had a life-defining failure

5) Getting to watch the Lemur and others talk about how wonderful the tournament was, knowing that no one remembers the ones that Tiger doesn't win

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Tiger's missing rivals

For fifteen years now, Tiger Woods has been going to Augusta, GA and mostly treating the course and field as if it were his own personal bank. Given that his knee seems fine now (hey, there was something about him that wasn't perfect after all!), the only bet before this tournament is Robo Beast against the Field, and as usual, you're better off with the beast.

Now, the actually interesting thing about this is that we've had more than enough time and money to actually develop some actual competition for him by now. At this point, you'd think that some other golfer (or, well, many other golfers) would have picked up the pace and actually hit some weights, since part of the advantage of being Tiger is that he's actually very athletic, at least in comparison with the usual collection of bloated sacs that make up a tourney field. You'd also think that, given that The Feline One has made enough money to fund his own Buick Bailout, that some other elite athletes would have taken up the sport, in say, high school and college, and started to bubble their way up from the Q-School.

But what has happened instead is that Tiger has competed against the same old tired hands of his generation, with no clear rival stepping up to the plate, or young gun making him sweat it out by outdriving him by a couple of clubs, the way he used to do to people when he was just coming up.

What are left with is the following.

1) Woods is just that singular and unique a talent, that like Jordan before him, his very presence and competitive intimidation just makes the existence of rivals laughable.

2) Woods hasn't really inspired new people to play golf, so much as to just watch it.

Personally, I'd go for option 3, which is to say some of both. Besides, even if you are inspired to take up the game to be more like Tiger, you still need clubs and a place to play. But your mileage may vary...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

By Blogfrican Law, I Must Inform You...

1) Tiger Woods played golf today.

2) Celtic Fan is officially worried about the start of the Starbury Era, since he would be the first unlikable player to ever wear the laundry

3) Nate Robinson and Will Ferrell are Verry Verry Specail Fwiends!, and

4) A-Rod got booed, hit a home run, drove away with his shady cousin and then *totally* had sex with Madonna.

After Teh Sex was over, I heard they injected a baby seal with HGH until this happened...



Or maybe that was just me...

Monday, August 11, 2008

How you know that golf really is only about Tiger Woods

Sergio Garcia gagged another major yesterday, and no one noticed. Padraig Harrington picks up his second straight major, though he probably still has no worries about being stopped at the airport for autographs. It just goes to show you what an Irishman can do when he stops drinking for a few months.

Oh, and a small point, really... why is it that every athlete feels compelled to give the big gaudy trophy a light smooch on the side for the photographers? Tongue that baby, Padraig. She's something you had to fight hundreds of men for over four days and a lifetime of back-breaking labor. Chaste ain't cutting it; drop some trou already. Why let hockey guys have all of the hot man-on-artifact action?

But getting back to Garcia... of course, when you go around in public wearing clothes that Al Czervik would find distasteful, it does tend to distract people from actually noticing the quality of your game. The late great Rodney Dangerfield really was only a waggle away from totally predicting this clown.



Finally, this... what's your nightmare foursome? Mine's Garcia, Colin Montgomerie, and Hitler. Though I'm pretty sure that The Truth might go for Jean Van der Velde instead...

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Epic Drop: Top 10 PGA Tour Changes Since The Loss of Tiger Woods

Your list is here, and I, for one, would heartily endorse the return of Jack Nicklaus in a powered exo-skeleton. But really, who wouldn't?

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Epic Drop: Top 12 Little Known Masters Traditions

Your link is here, and yes, I know, you all don't care about golf, I don't really care about golf, and yet... if you put a sport on and show 56 minutes of meat for every 60 minutes of telecast, well, damn.

That's so remarkable in the current super-whore climate of television telecasts, especially for all of us who have to suffer through touchdown commercials kick off commercials... or the last few minutes of a close basketball game... well, damn. Can other major sports start discriminating against women?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Epic Drop: Top 10 Future PGA Tour Tactics To Stop Tiger Woods

Your list is here, and he does know that he's allowed to lose every once in a while, right? Seriously, the guy towers over his sport more than any athlete ever has. It's a surprise now when he loses, which has never been the case in golf for the proceeding 100 years. It's absolutely absurd.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Tiger Was Better Than You... In Diapers



After the clip was over, The Two Year Old Tiger talked about how he liked the course, how he liked his swing, and how if he brings his A game, he was pretty sure he'd get cookies and juice before his nap. Then, he took some adult's money in a skins game.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What You Did Not Know About Tiger Woods' New Baby Girl

> Brings the "A" Crying

> Can already outdrive Michele Wie

> Has a higher APGAR score than any kid you'd ever have

> Might get Jesus back on his side

> Already has made more money than you will ever see

> Is already a special character on several video games

> Like Tiger, is a cyborg sent from the future

> Will rebel by hating golf

> Is Bad Luck -- Tiger Has Not Won A Tournament Since Her Birth

> Ties Woods with Nicklaus for daughters; still four behind on sons

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Five Utterly Random Points

1) Tiger loses the US Open -- and at least this time, it wasn't Jesus's fault.

Yes, it is unfair to frame it in this way, but that's just the way it is when you're that much better than everyone else. We can safely assume that Woods' just doesn't miss his dad that much anymore.

Big props, finally, to Angel Cabrera for making his first tournament win a major, while sitting on his ass in the clubhouse and over par. The American dream, but Argentinian.

2) Carlos Zambrano loses a no-hitter and game. Even sweeter, for the haters, then Schilling's lost no-hitter. You've got to love the Cubs' year... bad *and* entertaining. This would never have happened if Lou Pinella was alive.

3) After leading the NBX.com challenge all week, it all fell apart for me late, with the A's and Mets letting me down when I needed them most. As far as I'm concerned. Dave Stewart only has two balls.

We finished second in a bad week for the contest. By the way, if you want to pick games and get into the action on this, drop me a line.

4) Barry Bonds hits home run #748 in the final game of a Red Sox sweep. It was clutch, though -- it made an 8-3 game into an 8-4 game.

The loss drops the Giants to 10 games back in their division, 9 games out of the wild card, and only half a game out of second to last game in the entire National League. (Fun fact: last place is the Reds, as those resurgent Nats are now just 9 games under .500.)

I'm shocked to discover that a team that ties 20% of its salary into an ancient and divisive player who is playing just for the sake of setting a record doesn't have a good won-loss record. Shocked!

However, there was a nice moment for Barry to give props to Wakefield for not walking him. Like a knuckleballer has any idea whether he's walking a guy or not...

5) Prince Fielder hit an inside the park home run (it was a towering pop up that got lost in the roof at the Homerdome). Not to get all Jayson Stark on you, but we're pretty sure that's not happening again, ever.

Also, big props to Fielder the Younger for his impersonation of a runaway beer truck going around Turn 3. We haven't seen baserunning like this since John Kruk had both testes. (Rim-job shot...)

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Top Ten Reasons Why Blacks Aren't Playing Baseball

Inspired, of course, by the fearless truth to power work of Gary Sheffield...

10. NFL just much more open to brothers being brothers

9. NBA gives blacks more opportunities to elbow foreigners

8. NHL has better and cheaper seat opportunities for friends and family

7. Jesus is ready for a new PGA favorite

6. NASCAR fans are clamoring for more black drivers

5. WWE gives you the chance to hang out with strippers in public without anyone making a big deal about it

4. Bud Selig tries to talk "jive" with black players, causing even more discomfort than usual

3. Arena Ball gives blacks their innermost, yet forbidden, joy -- the opportunity to listen to Jon Bon Jovi

2. Still pissed off about the whole Buck O'Neill thing

1. Barry Bonds

Monday, April 9, 2007

Top 10 Reasons Why Jesus Forsake Tiger Woods

(Ed. Note for non-golf fans: Unheralded PGA pro Zach Johnson won the Masters this weekend, holding off Tiger Woods and Retief Goosen for his first win in a major. Afterwards, a very emotional Johnson gave the credit to Jesus, seeing how it was Easter and all, and the Son of God clearly had nothing better to concern Himself with than who would win a golf tournament. Later on, he compared Woods to a giant, which would have to be Goliath, one would think.)

10. Earl Woods is constantly dropping by his cloud, unannounced

9. Starting to get a little bit jealous of all the attention

8. Knows that Tiger doesn't really drive a Buick, and lies make Him cry, especially in late December

7. Feels Tiger is getting a little too comfortable in Dubai

6. Two words: Nicklaus Praying

5. Little-known fact: Zach Johnson has leprosy, and He could never say no to a leper

4. Just didn't have his "A" Blessing today

3. Wanted Tiger to win, but as anyone who has ever played golf knows, the putter is Satan's club

2. Had to do something to shut Johnny Hart up (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070409/ap_en_ot/obit_hart)

1. Warming up with minor miracles before August 2nd (last paragraph, http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christ_getting_in_shape_for_second)