Seven Reasons Why The Eagles Loss To The Falcons Is All On Chip Kelly

Get Used To This

There will be a tendency, among people who seem like they know what they are talking about, to limit the sense of how damaging the Eagles' season opening loss to the Falcons was. It's just Week One, you see. After a slow start, the offense looked fine and scored on four straight possessions. Every team won't have a dominant WR like Julio Jones to torch the secondary, and the secondary is so new, they need time to gel. Winning on the road is really hard. If they just beat Dallas next week, and Dallas won't have WR Dez Bryant, they'll be tied for first place in the division. It's a long season. Just R-E-L-A-X. Don't overreact! Chip's Got A Plan!

Um, bullspit.

Losses like this one are the reason why this franchise hasn't won a playoff game during the Obama Administration. Losses like this one prevent teams from getting first round byes, games at home, division titles. Losses like this one happen over and over and over, and HC Nero Kelly doesn't seem to ever learn from the goddamned experience.

Here are the reasons why I'm putting this loss on the coach, not the team.

1) K Cody Parkey has been nursing a hamstring all preseason. Instead of having a competent and experienced back up K around, Kelly had some assclown from Oklahoma that in no way resembled a K, because LOL preseason.

Well, Parkey's still not right. He hasn't really been right since the late section of 2014. His kickoffs weren't deep, in a dome, his kicks were shaky, and the 44 yarder that they had to have to take the lead back never had a chance. Purely on the GM/coach, purely on the guy who talks about how much STs matter. It would have been nice if Parkey made the damned kick. It would have been nicer if they actually had a healthy K.

2) WR Jordan Mathews is going to wear the goat horns for tipping a ball that ended up in a game ending pick... but why you were force feeding the man so many targets late, when the team is supposed to be deep and wide among WRs? TE Zach Ertz was gashing the Falcons, but nope, we're in force-feed mode. I get that Mathews is young and good and all, but I'm amazed the kid didn't need oxygen by that point.

3) We won't even get into how terrible the guard play was tonight, because, well, it was freaking terrible. If you honestly think QB Sam Bradford is going to stay healthy behind those turnstiles, you're out of your mind.

4) Julio Jones, 9 for 141 and 2 TDs. But by all means, keep single covering him. Don't bump him at the line. Don't make the Falcons beat you with OPI Machine Leonard Hankerson, or the federal witness protection players they have at TE. Nope, just put your not good enough CBs on an island, and run 2014 all over again, just with new names on the uniforms. And you wonder why Eagle Fan drinks.

5) If the only thing you care about is fantasy, DeMarco Murray did fine for you tonight. Two scores, 14 points. If you actually watched the game, you saw a guy that was dramatically slower than Darren Sproles, no better than Ryan Mathews, and, um, Mathews wasn't very good either. I'd rather have Chris Polk, honestly. I think Kenjon Barner might be better, and that guy doesn't belong in the NFL. Other than letting a guy over pursue him before getting in the end zone, a play that I'm pretty sure any starting RB in the NFL can make, he was garbage. And if he's garbage in week one, what's he going to be later? Especially once the not good enough *starting* OL gets hurt?

6) Oh, and remember, Chip's the guy who can't abide Evan Mathis, and needed to extend and pay the turnstiles that currently play guard for the Eagles.

7) Hey, Nero? I called out the third and one middle dive play from tempo, the one that precipitated the missed field goal, ten seconds before it happened. So did the Falcons. This just in: NFL teams scout better than Oregon's opponents. Try to mix in another play call there. The last 50 times you tried it, I think the opponents knew it was coming.

So screw measure and reasoned response. This is just more of the same mediocrity hamster wheel that's honestly got me wishing, on some level, for an 0-16 flameout... even though the division is terrible, and as two-time SB Champion Eli Manning shows, anyone can win.

On any given Sunday.

Just like Shady McCoy's new team, and Evan Mathis's new team, and Jeremy Maclin's new team, and Nick Foles' new team...