Top 10 NFL Week One Ad Questions

Kill, My Pretty, Kill

10) If we all sent the people who make Snickers a dollar, would they stop showing that goddamned Brady Bunch ad?

9) Why does Matt Damon need to smack talk Neil Armstrong?

8) Can the Kraken attack the Geico media buyers for their relentless air campaign?

7) If you are taste testing chicken sandwiches fed to you by strangers, should I trust your opinion about, well, anything?

6) Don't other beer makers also use water that's, well, old, since there is no such thing as new water?

5) Are people who eat pumpkin-infused crap from Dunkin' Donuts really able to run in corn mazes?

4) Why are DirecTV customers seemingly incapable of feeling the pain from being hit by football players in pads?

3) Isn't the lesson of Steve Jobs' life that no one outside of your immediate family cares about, well, your immediate family?

2) If Europe shows up in your office break room to witness the microwaving of a burrito, is this actually a worse gig than they usually play?

1) Can someone please let DirecTV and Randy Moss know that being short is not exactly a crippling social condition, and that short guys actually exist and might consider their ad campaign to be more than a little bit ridiculously idiotic?