Top 10 Takeaways From NFL Preseason Week One

I Just Broke The Internets

10) This experiment with Very Long Extra Points required everyone to watch and think about kickers for more time than before, and as such, has to be considered a failure

9) If the NFL is really serious about calling this many flags on this many plays, we can safely state that Roger Goodell Must Be Killed

8) If the NFL is really going to allow on-field advertising as seen in the Ravens-Niners game, we can safely state that Roger Goodell Must Be Killed In A Particularly Long And Horrifying Fashion, Preferably While Simulcast Online, So That We Can Hear And Relive Every Second Of His Richly Justified Demise, Over And Over And Over Again

7) For the 25th straight year, RBs who are 5 to 15% smaller or shorter than the norm achieved Invisibility Powers in the minds of NFL color commentators

6) If your laundry played well, it shows how great of a year they are going to have, and if they played badly, it meas nothing, because in the preseason, all teams are above average

5) Michael Sam and Johnny Manziel made headlines, because it's pretty much impossible for them not to make headlines

4) The Harbaugh who coaches Baltimore beat the Harbaugh that coaches San Francisco yet again, because his Mom liked him best

3) In the NFL's longest-running preseason tradition, Jets Fan strongly preferred the work of QB2, and is totally ready to throw QB1 under the bus

2) The guy who out-thinks himself in your fantasy league, whose draft board never looks anything like any other owner, paid way too much attention to all of these games (whistles past graveyard)

1) Every other sports fan in America told their friends how happy they were to have football back, as if preseason is actually football, or that between free agency, the draft, and assorted silliness, it ever really goes away