Top 10 reasons why David Stern is retiring

Somebody get him an orange

10) Ensures that he won't have enough time left to do anything for San Diego, Seattle, Vancouver, Kansas City, New Jersey, Oakland, Sacramento and New York

9) There's only so much time that a man, even an odious one, can spend around Mark Cuban, Bill Simmons and Jim Rome

8) By naming an end date that's15 months in the future, he can have an even longer and  more drawn-out retirement tour than Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Karl Malone

7) Just learned that there are more NBA fans in China than there are people in the United States, so he's totally out of here

6) Fairly certain that he can't be booed any louder at the NBA Draft than he was last year

5) Keeps falling asleep in the middle of massive referee conspiracy meetings and schemes to screw the player's union

4) Now that the Association is taking steps against flopping, all of the magic is gone from the job

3) Wants out before the next television contract is due, when he has to negotiate with TNT President Charles Barkley

2) Just doesn't have the energy to compete with Roger Goodell for the title of most hated commissioner anymore

1) Wants out before the league starts selling ads on jerseys, shorts and heads