Monday, July 25, 2011

Five Steps To Being A Fantasy Football Hack

Now that the NFL lockout is over, it's time for all of us to mainline fantasy football news straight into our jugular vein, since only the biggest nerds are going to be able to make the six-week sprint to the season start work. (Wait, six weeks until the season starts? Why didn't they lock the players out longer? Oh, right, because it was starting to cost the owners money.)

FTT knows that you, Dear Reader, long to be more popular than us, which usually can be achieved just through the weekly use of soap. And one of the best ways to do that is to offer your fantasy football opinions in a way that doesn't require the audience to read, since online video is just like the tee vee, but better, since I canz pause it and rewatch it over and over again. So here's the quick five ways for you to become a white (almost always) hot fantasy pundit!

1) Your dial goes from 1 to... 11! Are you scared of drafting a guy? Hell no. You are TERRIFIED! Pants-wetting, white-knuckled, eyes so wide that you've lost eyeglasses in them, rather than contacts... that's your degree of FEAR over drafting a big name player that might not match his 2010 numbers. (And if you consider a player's average draft position to be off, it's not: it's INSANE!)

2) Puns Are Punny!
(You see what I did there, with the p instead of the f? Feel free to use that. We're givers.) Fantasy football fans aren't here for information: they are here to see how humorous you can be with your analysis. So break out the def jam poetry, the song parodies, the knock-knock jokes... it's what we expect. Nay, demand!

3) Booth babes! If you've ever been at a science fiction convention -- and let's face it, you are reading a sports blog, so you have -- you've seen 'em: women packed into synthetic clothing, armed with a paragraph of in-character dialogue or backstory, posing for pictures and light TnA teasing with the paying endomorphs who saunter by while trying not to lose containment. That works in sports blogging, too! Just get your endowed friend of a friend of a paid friend to go for the Sexy Librarian look -- tied hair, non-functioning eyeglasses, peakaboo cleavage -- and lob you softballs (heh heh, I said balls) prior to your rants. If you are feeling extra generous, give her one of your lesser zingers as well. It's a team effort! (Warning: She will become much more popular than you. Regardless of the quality of zinger.)

4) Volume, VOLUME, VOLUME!!! Cyberslacking digital peons love to crank down their speakers or whip off their earbuds during their 9-to-Soul Death, and are sure to come back to the site that was so sure about what's going to happen this season, THEY HAD TO SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS. Why should broadcast media, drag strip announcers and opera divas have all the fun? Remember, if your voice cracks, your argument must be correct.

5) Prop You? No, Prop Me!
From your wacky sunglasses to your drive-by haircut, and all the way to your shirt that came way out of the closet (not that there's anything wrong with that), the doodads make the doofus. How are you supposed to stand out from the braying horde otherwise? And remember, if anyone else out here in Braying Blogfrica steals your look, that just means they are a total biotch who should have their hair pulled and eyeballs clawed the next time you see them. Fantasy football guys just don't do that to each other!

As always, any you want to add in the comments are welcome, and remember the mantra: this is better than lockout "news." This is better than lockout "news." This is better...

1 comment:

Luxembourg said...

I bought other Oakland Raiders sunglesses off other websites, and they do not come close to the quality of these glasses. Very comfortable to wear.

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