Five Tool Tool - The Sports Blog That Loves You Back

After pre-game work from the CBS honks that make it clear that they, like every other right-thinking human on the planet, give the Jets less chance to win than a cockroach against a steel boot worn by God's Own Stormtroopers... well, actual news is announced, as Wes Welker gets benched at the start of the game. That's because Patriots coach Bill Belichick will brook no conversations! All hail All Father Belichick! Besides, Tom Brady can do anything with anyone. This does not help the Jets at all!

The Jets bring Dennis Byrd's empty jersey out for the coin flip, in the hopes that their paralyzed teammate is better than that loser in Buffalo. I'm sure he deserved it. KR/CB Antonio Cromartie steps out at the 32 and had room for more; good start. RB LaDanian Tomlinson for four as the Jets OL got off the ball well there. QB Mark Sanchez connects with WR Jerricho Cotchery, who bounces off a man and gets 16 and the first. Confusion on the next play results in barely getting it off, and RB Joe McKnight's end around gets two as he makes a few men miss. Pats Fan not so loud yet. Tomlinson for three on the left side to set up third and five. Perhaps Pats Fan hasn't left the limos yet? Third and five from the gun has time against a blitz, but Sanchez misses Cotchery, who was open 20 yards downfield. Significant mistake. Welker shakes off the discipline -- oh, the Patriot discipline! -- to take a fair catch outside of his own 20. It's time for the greatest offense in this or any other world to take the field.

RB Danny Woodhead gets 19 as he uses his pure grit, heart and determination to make an evil Jet miss. An end-around to WR Brandon Tate gets 12, and that might be the best play call possible in that situation. From their 46, Brady has all day, but CB Darelle Revis cheats by being too close to WR Deion Branch. Cheater! Welker continues to sit in BeliJail. From the gun, TE Rob Gronkowski gets six from being pure of heart. From the gun on third, the Jets' bliz is foiled, and Gronkowski gets nine yards, a first down, and a telling rebuke to the forces of trash talking. First down, Virtue. Woodhead shows his life-affirming bravery by running hard and fast for seven yards despite his crippling shortness. RB Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis moves the scrum for four and a first. Patriots Fan rouses at the behest of their servants. Brady's screen is then intercepted in a shocking turn of events, as God himself turns his back on sense and reason. Jets LB David Harris doesn't have the integrity to get a TAInt, which is the only thing that makes any sense at all. Real tears here in the Man Cave. I mean, Brady had a streak and all. I'm not sure I'll be able to get over the loss of that.

RB Shonn Greene stopped for a three yard loss, then Tomlinson is hammered on a five yard loss on a screen. Oh, you naughty Jets, you have awakened the Virtue Dragon! On third and 18, Jets coach Rex Ryan shows that he is a rank coward by running Tomlinson, who gets it to the 13. K Nick Folk tries from 30, and God returns to push it left. Phew. We remain scoreless, with the possibility of a virtue-proving shutout still in play. As a matter of fact, this is even better, since the evil Jets will now have had a moment of hope before being cast into the Lake of Belichickian Fire.

Welker returns, duly chastened. He'll be good now that Daddy Bill has put his foot down. DE Shaun Ellis sullies Brady with a sack that somehow isn't called for some kind of penalty. BJGE gets a nice gain on second, and the evil Jets compound their error with a face mask on Harris. BJGE for two. Welker converts a first down through the power of Bill's redemptive love. Woodhead for three yards of grit and heart and spunk in the flat. BJGE on a quick carry for eight, because only Brady is smart enough to go quick there. HE IS SO SMART. I MUST HAVE HIS BABIES. Sorry, was that out loud? With time, Brady connects with TE Alge Crumpler for 28, and the veteran TE stiff arms LB Bart Scott at the close to show him the error of his trash-talking ways. CB Rodney Poole is down with an ankle problem, not that any injury from the Evil Jets can ever be said to be legitimate. Why aren't the refs ejecting him from the game for such malfeasance? MALFEASER! Play action to Crumpler is dropped in the end zone. Poole returns for third and five -- malfeaser! -- and is once again sullied by Ellis. Why, God, why? And how is that not a penalty, when Brady is touched around the hips and swiveled down to the ground? His hair might have been mussed! K Shayne Graham connects, because he is more virtuous than Folk, and the Patriots take the early lead. Patriots 3, Jets 0, with just 46 minutes left until this collection of disagreeable ruffians is shown to history's dustbin.

Cromartie with another strong runback to the Jets 39. The Patriots' special teams are not virtuous enough, which is obvious, since they are filled with players who were not good enough to start. Sanchez misses WR Santonio Holmes, who was very open. Greene for five to the right. Pats Fan has their servants get loud, but Cotchery gets the sticks by a foot on a flat out. The Jets allow the clock to run out as Tomlinson was under center, so we will have no WILD!cat tomfoolery just yet. So sad! Everyone loves direct snaps to non-QBs, since they are, by their very definition, WILD!

Sanchez returns and gives to Greene, who gets four. The Green running attack has been disturbingly competent so far. Another carry has the young back dancing an evil dance for no gain. Third and six from the gun sees Sanchez miss TE Dustin Keller, who was open against a blitz. Punter Steve Weatherford puts it into the end zone for a meager net, and the Pats will start at their own 20.

Brady can't connect with Welker as DB Dwight Lowery arrives with evil intentions. Woodhead for five yards of life-affirming heart. Third and five from the gun sees Brady sullied -- SULLIED! -- for the third time today, as CB Drew Coleman comes from his blind side, like the coward he is. How Brady has gotten sacked three times today without a flag, I'll never know. Punter Zoltan Mesko's kick is fielded on a hop by Cotchery, who takes it into Patriot space.

RT Wayne Hunter flinches like the villain he is to make it first and 15. Keller drops a low throw as Sanchez continues to struggle. Struggle, you evildoer, struggle! From the gun on second, the QB gets it to Cotchery in advance of the blitz for a nine yard gain. Third and six is a big deal figgie or more down. From the gun against a 3-man rush, Sanchez avoids pressure, waves Holmes deep, and connects with a devilishly good throw to the Patriot 8. Big play. Tomlinson into the line for a yard as post-whistle proselytizing happens from the Patriot defenders. On second and goal, Sanchez hits Tomlinson on a curl, and the RB executes suspiciously good body control to make the pylon. Folk hits the PAT, and God's Own Team trails, 7-3, with 10:24 left in the half, and that's Tomlinson's first playoff career touchdown. I guess we can't keep him out of the Hall of Fame now.

Perhaps the Mayans are right, and the world will end in 2012. And perhaps they are wrong, and got the math off by one. I know it is not becoming of a True Patriot Fan to question All Father Bill, but there is no possible way that this team was supposed to trail at any moment in any game. And I realize that had Crumpler just caught the ball, it would be tied, but had Folk hit the short field goal, the Jets would still lead. It Makes No Sense.

Tate returns the kick to his own 26. A give to Woodhead ends with a 2-yard loss, making grown men weep. From the gun on second, Crumpler gets 10, but fails to stay on his feet to convert the first into empty space. Third and two from the gun shows Brady with time, but the connection to Gronkowski is missed, and that's... that's... that's the second straight three and out for the best offense in the history of the universe. There are no words. Mesko's punt is downed at the Jet 20, but after commerce, the Jets make the Patriots re-kick after an illegal touch. How DARE they. How DARE THEY! Cromartie's return is ended with virtue, and the Jets receive NOTHING for their malfeasance. Malfeasers!

WILD!cat shotgun snap to Tomlinson, who fumbles it. That was WILD! And a yard loss. Sanchez from play action hits a covered Keller, who fights for seven yards. Third and four as we see virtuous members of Patriot Nation is an empty backfield throw where Holmes uses his devilish powers of mind control to gain a DPI first. Malfeaser! Oh, and the WR was held, but that should totally be ignored for home-field advantage. From the Jet 40, it's Greene for four, then one, as the Jets cheat by taking time off the clock. Third and five is a big deal, and Holmes makes another first down on a tough slant catch. I'm sure there was cheating and a non-catch involved, and the Patriots challenge before Green can snap it. Virtue Could Still Prevail! But CBS is in cahoots - CAHOOTS! -- and there is no replay that shows what really happened. First down for Green at midfield. Greene for five yards to the left as we are under five minutes left in the half. Play action to Edwards and Holmes misses, as both men were open and in the same place; looks like Edwards tipped a ball that Holmes might have had. Third and five to Keller gets four yards, and Ryan shows his cowardly streak again by bringing in Weatherford, who promptly puts it in the end zone again. The punter has even less virtue than his teammates!

Brady on play action to BJGE for seven yards. Woodhead is cheated by the refs from the first down his heart demanded. On third down, Brady usually sneaks it for the win, and that's what he does here. Still more evidence that the referees hate the Patriots. Brady is nearly sullied again, but dumps it to BJGE for four yards, and that's the two minute warning. After commerce, Brady from the gun gives to Woodhead, who can only use his immense heart for three yards. Third and four sees the Pats letting the clock run, then Brady from the gun missing Gronkowski, as yet again, the referees fail to find anything wrong with what the Jets do on defense. The malfeasance of it all. A fake punt is then blown, as up-man Patrick Chung fumbles the snap, and the Green team stops him before the line of scrimmage. Huge mistake. Evil Rex Ryan chuckles loudly, having used his Dark Lord powers to trick Chung into fumbling. Evil! EVIL! EVIL!!!

From the Pats 37, it's Tomlinson up the gut for 17 yards. A Patriot DL goes off with an injury, costing God's Own Team another timeout. From the 20, Tomlinson gets five around the right side. With three timeouts, they can run all they want, but Sanchez tries reserve TE Ben Hartsock, who fails to hold on. Third down is a slant to Edwards, who runs through two Patriot defenders to the end zone for the score. Edwards just uses his evil power of strength and height there, and after the Folk PAT, it's 14-3 Jets with 33 seconds left.

Truly, this is just a test from All Father Belichick. He's merely testing the faith of True Patriot Fans like myself. Tate rewards our faith with a big return to the Patriot 45. With 27 seconds left, Brady from the gun has time, but Revis uses his evil powers to wrench the ball away from poor Deion Branch. That has to be cheating on some level. 18 seconds left. Brady to Woodhead, who can only get three on a screen from the powers of heart. At the end of the play, T Logan Mankins is whistled for unnecessary roughness, just for throwing a punch after the whistle. Totally unfair. From the 33, Brady takes a knee, and Patriot Fan boos loud and long, because they have suffered so much. So, so much.

More later, if my heart can take it.