Monday, November 15, 2010

NFL Week 10: You Crap The Bed

This week on You Crap, we're brought to you by Hair Removal Pro, the makers and vendors of pubic and scrotal hair clippers. And considering the hot mess that are made by our contestants every week, it's just a good idea to have less in the way, if you catch my drift.

You all know how the game is played. We give you, the couchbound public, a chance to match wits with the people who are paid to play, coach, write, and make decisions about NFL games. Choose unwisely, and you too can... crap the bed!

1) You are Minnesota owner Zygi Wilf. After today's lifeless loss to the Bears in Chicago, your win-now team is 3-6 on the year, three games out of the division lead, and the same three games out of a possible wild-card berth with seven games to play. Rent-A-QB Brett Favre has announced that he isn't coming back for 2011, and hope for the future seems in very short supply. After today's game, you choose to:

a) Fire coach Brad Childress, who has clearly lost the locker room to the point where a half-dozen active players went to the press to say how much they hate him

b) Fire coach Brad Childress, who released WR Randy Moss without consulting you, and seems to be doing everything he can to make sure that WR Percy Harvin takes a swing at him

c) Fire coach Brad Childress, who insisted on drafting unheralded QB Tarvaris Jackson, then played him despite terrible results, then kept him for years after it became quite obvious that he'd never be much of anything

d) Fire coach Brad Childress, who assumed the position so hard for QB Brett Favre that any thought of benching His Brettness for performance became impossible, creating a double standard of non-accountability that utterly and completely poisoned your roster

e) Announce that Chilly's job was safe for the time being, because it's not as if a moribund Dallas team showed a pulse from a coaching change, or that anyone who roots for the purple wants Chilly around, or that you've got a good interim choice already around in defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier

If you choose (e), congratulations... you've crapped the bed! And you've won another brief period of time with Mr. Warmth, with the strong likelihood that more of your players will go over to the dark side of not giving an effort, all for no discernible gain whatsoever, since the chance of this team of dead men squawking have about as much chance of making a playoff run as I do of turning into an airplane. Well done!

2) You are Cleveland Browns' coach Eric Mangini. Nearing the end of the overtime period against the Jets, you get the ball at your own 3-yard line with 1:35 to go. Your offense has very little in the way of deep threat ability, and the Jets are one of the best defensive teams in the league. You choose to:

a) Run the ball multiple times with RB Peyton Hillis, since there's realistically no chance of winning this game, but every chance of losing it, and you need to kill the clock and take your tie

b) Give the ball to WR Muhammad Massaquoi (sadly, not Joshua Cribbs, who was lost to injury earlier in the game) on some kind of end-around or Wildcat toss, since that keeps the ball on the ground but adds a level of explosiveness that Hillis doesn't have

c) Run a bootleg with QB Colt McCoy, who is young enough to have some quicks, and especially with the threat of Hillis and Cribbs on the field, might wind up uncovered for a nice field-changing play

d) Throw it, but make damned sure it's a very high percentage pass, maybe a bubble screen to WR Chansi Stuckey or a flat throw to Hillis, so that the clock keeps running no matter what

e) Throw a deep ball to TE Ben Watson -- no, seriously, Ben Watson -- on first down, since the incomplete will allow for the Jets' final two timeouts of the game to be relevant and give them the ball back with time left on the clock

If you choose (e), congratulations... you've crapped the bed! And you've won the Jets getting the ball back, setting up the missed tackle to touchdown play that will set up the second straight week in which an opponent gift wraps an overtime win to the Jets. Also, you've made a few hundred more Cleveland Fans want to kill themselves, in what might be the most prolonged stretch of teeth-grinding insanity-producing fail fail fail in the history of American sport. Well done!

3) You are FTT Writer DMtShooter. With a week to go before a vacation and a beautiful day outside, you choose to:

a) Get some housework done, since you'll have house sitters over to take care of the pets, and you don't want them to think you are a complete slob

b) Go outside with your kids, as it's a beautiful day outside and this being the East Coast, it's not as if there will be many more of these to go around this year

c) Catch up on your sleep, seeing how your commute, day job and increasing age means that you are prone to micro-naps that are just plain sad

d) Look for discounts online for your trip, seeing how you are going to a part of the world that just preys on tourists like yourself, or

e) Blog on a day when the only 4pm game is Cowboys-Giants, also known as two of your least favorite teams in the league, knowing that every possible outcome with the possible exception of a plague outbreak is going to be unsatisfying

If you choose (e), congratulations... you've crapped the bed! (You also left Matt Cassel on your fantasy bench, played Willis McGahee, Joel Dressens and the Pittsburgh defense. Pure joy.) And you've won a sad little grind of a day in which you can barely fill the recurring You Crap The Bed feature, since Norv Turner was on bye, Andy Reid works on Monday, and most of the games were well behind the crapping range. But hey, with age comes... a crushing lack of dignity. Yes, that's it. And a desperate need to fulfill your obligations, even if they are self-assigned.

Well, that's all we have time for this week. We'll see next time on... You Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

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