Tuesday, November 9, 2010

NFL Week 9: You Crap The Bed

Welcome back to the game show that uses every part of the buffalo. This week, we're brought to you by Appleby's, the chain restaurant that's within walking distance of my Man Cave, caters to families and poor people, and turns me into a soft-serve dispenser faster than the hot buffet bar at your local sneeze-guard-free bodega. Plus, they are in bed with Boomer Berman, which means They Know Crap!

You all know how the game is played. We give you, the couchbound public, the chance to match your wits against the people who are paid to make decisions. Now let's see if you can... Crap The Bed!

1) You are Vikings coach Brad Childress, which is to say, you are a man who is no stranger to our game. Down two touchdowns with your season and coaching career on the line in the fourth quarter against the visiting Cardinals, you have a fourth and goal from the one yard line. At the end of a 16 play, 82 yard drive with five minutes left in the game, do you:

a) Give the ball to RB Adrian Peterson, who is, after all, the best power back in the league, preferably in a spread formation so that he's got a better chance to go through a smaller defender

b) Give the ball in the hands of WR Percy Harvin in a spread formation, and give your best offensive weapon in 2010 the chance to make a play

c) Go for TE Visanthe Schiancoe, preferably on one of those throw back screens that are always scores -- either way -- when Favre throws it

d) Seriously, you have Adrian Peterson, this shouldn't be that hard of a decision

e) Roll Favre out and have him go for some kind of secondary throw to some reserve TE that no one has ever heard of, since Favre is such a threat to run at his age, and in no way ready to puss out rather than take contact, and your genius will be lauded for using all of your tools, or Brett's Courage will be lauded as he somehow gimps it in

If you choose (e), which the built-in excuse that Schiancoe was your prime target on the play... well, it hardly counts as your biggest bed crap of the day, does it? There's simply going to work in the morning, your inability to keep WR Randy Moss in line, your inability to inform your owner so that you don't get canned over it, your now public sniping with your begged in legacy QB...

Well, there are advantages to constant bed crappery, really. Mostly that your players are more or less used to it, and wound up saving your paycheck for another week with a stirring fourth quarter comeback against a team that should have never been in the game in the first place. But what the hey, you live to crap another day. We're going to treasure you for as long as we can have you, really!

2) You are Texans coach Gary Kubiak. With just under 4 minutes to go in the fourth, you are down 29-23 to the road Chargers. On fourth and one from the Charger 34, do you:

a) Give the ball to RB Arian Foster, who is having a huge day and is one of the best power backs in the NFL

b) Work a play action pass to TE Joel Dreesens, assuming you really need to get esoteric and tricksy here

c) Throw a bubble screen to WR Andre Johnson, who even while hobbled with an injury, is a pure freaking warrior that's prone to win these matchups

d) Actually, on further review, you really want to give it to Foster, don't you, seeing how he's been the only reliable offensive weapon you've had all year, and your fan base is becoming convinced with each passing week that you really aren't the coach to take a team past mediocrity

e) Send Schaub into the line on a QB sneak, because it's not as if they'll be expecting that, or that Schaub is injury prone, not terribly athletic, and won't have the athleticism necessary to get it done

If you choose (e)... well, you've crapped the bed in a way that Schaub's highly suicidal fantasy owners are all quite appreciative of, in that at least we all didn't get to stare bullets at that guy that owns Foster. And you've added one more brick in the wall of your tomb, which will be finished at the end of the year, when your plainly more talented team stays home for the playoffs and watches the Colts continue to make the AFC South their perennial playoff soft launch pad. Well played!

3) You are Lions coach Jim Schwarrtz. You are clinging to a 20-17 home lead against the Jets with just under two minutes left, and the Jets have used all of their time outs. Starting QB Matthew Stafford has been knocked out of the game, and backup Drew Stanton has not yet thrown a pass. On third and six from your own 38, do you:

a) Run the ball with RB Jahvid Best, because even if he is stopped, you'll burn a lot of clock and make things very difficult on the Jet offense

b) Call an end-around to WRs Nate Burleson or Calvin Johnson, since that has the chance of getting the first down while still taking time off the clock, much in the same way that the Eagles helped to salt away their win against the Colts

c) Give the ball to sure-handed veteran Kevin Jones, since he's less likely to put it on the ground that Best

d) Have Stanton take the ball from the shotgun and run a QB draw, under the hope that the Jets will somehow play along with the insane notion that you'd be throwing the ball here with an ice-cold backup QB against the team with the best corners in the league, or

e) Roll out Stanton and have him try to throw for the clinching first down, because it's not as if the Jets could possibly be expecting that, or that Stanton isn't totally due for a big completion, seeing how he's gone his whole career without one

If you chose (e)... really, you might be too stupid to live. You also are clearly too stupid to beat the smoke and mirrors Jets, but at least you've got universal acclaim for a team that's better than your won-loss record. So maybe you are actually smart, and you are just managing expectations and making sure that you'll get another impact draft pick in the 2011 draft?

Nah, these are the Lions. Crapping the bed is just the reality of the laundry.

And that's all that we have time for this week. See you next week when we see who... Craps The Bed! Good night, everybody!

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