Thursday, July 30, 2009

Top 11 Implications of the David Ortiz Steroid Allegations

11) Five thousand remarkably annoying words from Bill Simmons

10) That early season slump really isn't going to be the worst part of his year

9) No one's buying the "Miracle Eyedrops" story now

8) America's love affair with the Tampa Rays just got even more serious

7) Red Sox Fan has to open a whole new can of rationalizations

6) Twins Fan is, for the first time in years, not regretting the decision to release him

5) Red Sox Fan is less inclined to give Ortiz standing ovations for wall scraper home runs

4) Theo Epstein is no longer a genius

3) Messiah Curt Schilling has bled in vain

2) Both people who believed the 2004 Red Sox were steroid-free are very, very disappointed

1) The Red Sox are now, officially, the 21st century Yankees

* * * * *

And now, the Intentionally Not Funny...

The top story on the Lemur today is that the Red Sox, specifically in the guise of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez, were on the 2003 list of MLB players to be testing for PEDs.

I'll refrain from repeating that, simply because I suspect you've already heard about it before.

Note, also, the quote from Ortiz, which might just be the most incredible quote of the entire Steroid Era -- yes, even better than Mark McGwire not being here to talk about the past, or Sammy Sosa suddenly forgetting how to speak English, or Rafael Palmeiro lying in the face of Congress:

"Today I was informed by a reporter that I was on the 2003 list of MLB players to test positive for performance-enhancing substances. This happened right before our game, and the news blindsided me.

"I want to talk about this situation and I will as soon as I have more answers. In the meantime I want to let you know how I am approaching this situation. One, I have already contacted the Players Association to confirm if this report is true. I have just been told that the report is true. Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive.

"Two, I will find out what I tested positive for. And, three, based on whatever I learn, I will share this information with my club and the public. You know me -- I will not hide and I will not make excuses."
Um, Papi? Unless that dastardly ManRam was injecting you in your sleep, and you were a remarkably sound sleeper, this really shouldn't come as a surprise. Unless, of course, you've been lying for so long that you are convinced that the lie is the truth, which does tend to happen when you've been lying, OJ-like, for years.

Oh, and just to prove that he can up the ante on whatever insane quote that Ortiz can dish out, here's the ManRam's reaction.
"You guys want to talk about the game, what is happening now, we can sit down and talk for two hours," Ramirez said. "If you want more information, call the union."

Ramirez said he found out about the report on television while flipping channels in his hotel room. He told ESPN that he shrugged, and kept flipping channels.

"Me and David, we're like two mountains," Ramirez said. "We're going to keep doing good no matter what ... Only God is going to be able to move those two mountains."
Um, Manny? You do realize that God had nothing to do with your last 50-game suspension, unless God is really slumming these days and assuming the limited visage of Bud Selig?

Anyway... the only real takeaway from this is that Red Sox Fan, just like Yankee Fan before them, now knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that their championships were acquired with the aid of a needle. As an A's fan, I'd love to imagine that my team got screwed... but, um, we had Miguel Tejada, Jason Giambi and God knows who else.

There is no one pure, and at this point, no one really cares. If, indeed, anyone ever did.

1 comment:

Real Fake Sports said...

It's SO easy to make fun of these guys. Even though most of baseball was probably doing it then. Big Papi's reaction was pretty funny, like he had no idea.

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