Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Top 10 programs I'd rather watch than the Terrell Owens reality show

After watching the debut of "The T.O. Show" on VH-1 tonight, this longtime Eagle fan and Owens observer is really looking forward to seeing future episodes. However, these ten other new shows are ranking just slightly ahead of it on the old DVR.

10) "Hogan's Deaththroes", the long-awaited sequel to the beloved and remarkably tone-deaf '60s sitcom that put the Funny in Holocaust. This time around, instead of Stalag 13, it's Dachau... and it's even more wacky!

9) "Skeeze Company", a standard 3-camera sitcom that's going to do wonders for the careers of Joyce DeWitt and John Ritter. Come and knock on our door!

8) "Let's Hunt And Kill Brett Favre," a spiritual follow-up to some work that site hero Bill Hicks did with Billy Ray Cyrus and the New Kids on the Block. (To think, if only Bill had gotten his show before he passed, we could have avoided Hannah Montana, too.) In this gripping suspense show, our crews follow Favraro from place to place, attempting to snuff him like a dog with rabies before he can begin talking about his career plans, thereby making their own heads explode with hate and irritation. It's Must Die TV!

7) "World Series of Uno." From the proud history of this very here blog, I'm proud to say we've gotten a development deal (on Versus) and our very first celebrity guest (Phil Hellmuth). It turns out that all you have to do is buy a camera for the former, and turn it on for the latter.

Anyway, the WSOU will come straight to your home from a broken-down Indian casino, and will feature a table full of people being insulted by Hellmuth for daring to play the game with less than three colors in their hands. The only difference between this and the stuff on the World Wide Lemur is that even fewer people care!

6) "Peephole Adult Theater." Who is doing what behind a hotel room door? Find out for yourself with this click-tastic amateur porn channel, where we don't have to blur out any of the naughty bits because, um, you're looking through a freaking peephole, ya moron, and you can't see a damned thing. As the late Frank Zappa said, "Isn't this what living is really all about?"

5) "Ultimate Undercard." The latest time filler from World Wrestling Entertainment shows you everything you might miss from being at a live show -- everything from setting up the ring to people you've never heard of, with zero mic skills, fake fighting each other. It's all of the fun of Home Run Derby, but without any of the, um, thrills. But on the plus side, when one of these guys graduates to the big time of being a random slab of meat, you'll be able to say you knew him way back when!

4) "What's My Disease?" Based on an original concept by the Firesign Theater, this lightning-fast interactive game show allows fans an intimate look into the consequences of unsafe sex with road beef. From Derek Jeter's herpes to an untold number of crabs and some truly exotic cases of chlamydia, you won't be able to overcome What's My Disease!

3) "Rape My Relatives." Another game show that does what it says and says what it does. The first round is bad, but when we go to the lightning, animal and zero lube rounds, it really gets, um, challenging.

2) All of the C-SPANs. Hey, it's important, right? And our political leaders are only slightly less calculating and obvious than Terrible, and you aren't presented with the routine sight of good pussy giving it up for the famous jerkoff.

1) "Competitive Staring." This 24/7/365 channel appears to be a static screen of various hyper-ugly people staring at you, but I'm pretty sure they blink. The cost of freedom is eternal vigilance!

1 comment:

Tracer Bullet said...

I'm pretty sure I'd watch "What's My Disease?" I'll only watch the John Ritter thing if it prominently features necrophilia.

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