Top Ten Preferrable Activities to Watching Jalen Reagor Play Football

10) Getting my teeth cleaned. Here’s something you didn’t know or ask about me; I have a small mouth and some crooked teeth. Combine this with flossing that my hygienist is never satisfied with (side note: um, isn’t it your job to clean my teeth? If they are perfectly clean when you start to clean them, is this just not you wanting to get paid for not working?), and you get 30-45 minutes of me just trying to think my way out of being present to the discomfort and failing.

This is very much like watching Jalen Reagor play football, but without the side effect of clean teeth.

Also, the teeth cleaning is faster.

9) Driving rideshare. In that you might make a dollar or two from this activity, provide value to the people you are transporting, and unlike watching Jalen Reagor play football, you can decide when it will stop. (Bonus: your opinion of the passenger matters, unlike your opinion of Jalen Reagor.)

8) Cleaning the bathroom. There’s something strangely meditative to a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Work in circles and try to hypnotize yourself into a world in which you aren’t forced to root for Jalen Reagor. At the end of the activity, you’ll feel better about your bathroom, even when you sully it with, well, the equivalent of Jalen Reagor.

7) Picking up after your dog. When it’s cold outside, which is mostly descriptive of football season, dog droppings are solidified and lose their odor, so it’s not so unpleasant. If you get it while it’s fresh, it’s also a little warm, which can be an oddly nice feeling. In both cases, this is preferrable to Jalen Reagor, while still reminding you of Jalen Reagor.

6) Doing the dishes by hand. We are going through some tough times financially here at Five Tool Tool HQ, which means we have not gotten the dishwasher fixed or replaced. For months now, this has meant doing the dishes with soap and hot water. Again, there is a meditative quality to this, and unlike the Jalen Reagor Era, your eyes give you progress updates on when this will end.

5) Vacuuming. There’s a little bit of fun from watching the pets scatter in ways that could remind you of Jalen Reagor trying to get open. When you are done vacuuming, your carpet looks better then when you started, and you can find the pets’ behavior cute. Neither of these is true when watching Jalen Reagor play football

4) Voting in person. Yes, you may wait in line, and you will have to psychically hold your nose while you likely vote for the lesser of two evils. But when you are done, you get a sticker and can take pride that you did your part for democracy, or whatever facsimile you may be living in. The sticker is worth more than watching Jalen Reagor play football.

3) Paying your taxes. As an independent contractor, I must set aside funds every month and make my own checks out to the Treasury (side note: IRS? There is this thing called the Internet. Perhaps I could pay you through it?), in addition to the yearly work with my accountant.

Scratching that check is a big deal, but when it’s done, I get to know that my taxes have helped to pay for some useful things.

Jalen Reagor, at least while he attempts to play football, is not a useful thing.

2) Doing the laundry. In that when you are done, hey, clean laundry!

Also, doing the laundry has more suspense. Will the dryer stop now, or later? Compare this to watching Jalen Reagor try to play football, which is will he fail now, or later? (Spoiler Alert! The answer is always both.)

1) Plotting on how you would kill and dispose of the body of Howie Roseman, the Eagles’ general manager who drafted Jalen Reagor. Instead of Justin Jefferson, the now All-World WR that everyone and their aunt knew to take instead of Reagor, and who will, it seems, be in the NFL for the next ten years without ever making people want to do any of the other activities on this list. 

Or commit murder.

Off to do the dishes!