Top 12 reasons why the Marlins signed Jose Reyes

12) Wanted to sign a batting average champion, and did not care how gutless said champion was

11) Gives Heath Bell someone to feel good about, and perhaps dust off that lucky "Dream Team" nickname

10) Jeff Loria wanted to teach all of those ungrateful wretches back in Montreal that he can actually sign a free agent after all

9) Team wanted to motivate Hanley Ramirez, since the dear boy clearly does well with lots of stimuli

8) Only way to attract other overrated expensive injury risks to Miami

7) With the new stadium promising to be as offense-retarding as the old, fans need to be sold some kind of excitement

6) Miami is where all aging New Yorkers go to die

5) Loria is friends with Bernie Madoff, which given Loria's background, would count as one of his more redeeming qualities

4) With Reyes and his 120 games and 400 ABs on board, they are sure to finish in... well, um, never mind

3) There's a little-known clause in MLB that if you lead the league in triples, you get a wild-card slot, no matter what

2) Wanted to be sure that more than two Marlins everyday players would be drafted in your average fantasy league next year

1) Diabolical scheme to blind America by finally making everyone look at that new logo