Top Ten Reasons Why The Red Sox Are Winless

After tonight's loss to the immortal Josh Tomlin and the homesteading Indians, the favorite to win the AL East and the World Series are 0-4 and four games out of the lead in their division, causing their always stout-hearted fans to flood the suicide prevention hotlines. What's causing the slow start?

10) The team has scored 12 runs in 4 games, or roughly half of what was expected and paid for

9) It turns out that the only thing that kept the bullpen from blowing up is Hideki Okajima

8) David Ortiz is hitting in April, which is never a good sign

7) It's generally hard to win games when you give up more than a run an inning

6) Marco Scutaro and Jed Lowrie are both trying to lose the shortstop job

5) The best ERA among the starting pitchers is held by Tim Wakefield, and he hasn't started a game

4) Adrian Gonzalez has stolen more bases than Carl Crawford

3) Jacoby Ellsbury has hit more home runs than Gonzalez

2) Jarrod Saltalmacchia hasn't made anyone forget even the recent Weekend at Bernie's offensive contributions of Jason Varitek

1) God's love is infinite and perfect, at least until they finally start winning