The Sports Guy Gets The FJM/BDD Treatment

One of my favorite recurring Blogfrica columns is when Big Daddy Drew at Kissing Suzy Kolber resurrects the old Ken Tremendous / Fire Joe Morgan routine of responding to individual lines from some tool and has at it. In FJM's tactic, it was any number of old-school defenders against sabermetric or brain-alive analysis, and in BDD/KSK's point, it's Sports Illustrated and NBC's Peter King, who seems to believe that we're all here to learn more about his coffee consumption and other forms of print wanking.

As I find myself incapable, to date, of not reading the Bad Tooth, ESPN's Bill Simmons... I'm opening up on him. And in this, I'm sorry in advance to his legions of fans, really. I don't know about your level of Prince William's devotion, but I've been reading the guy for ten long years of less and less enjoyment, and I just can't stop. I'm powerless, really. He likes the NBA, and there just aren't enough people out there who do. His podcast is excruciating, and yet the guests are frequently good enough to pull me in. I long for Boston teams to lose in every sport now, more than any other municipality, because of the distinct possibility that this will make the Prince unhappy in print. His cultural references are increasingly wince-inducing, since he hasn't moved past the craptastic MTV sludge of his youth... and yet. And yet. And yet. Bad Tooth. Must touch. Owww. Owww. Owwww....

Anyway, the Prince favored us with one of his monthly or so columns last Friday, in between podcasting, being a documentary guy, going to events that the rest of us will never be able to go to, hanging out with celebrities and sports team GMs, and breaking his prior oath about mining his parenthood for material. You know, just like any other Voice of the People. Let's have at it, shall we?

We'll remember this as The Best NBA Regular Season Ever. Naturally, the league is going to seize the momentum by disappearing in July

Oh, you foolish people who are watching basketball! Only NostraWilly Knows The Future, thanks to the power of his all-powerful mind, and that future is so bleak and basketball-free that gangs of roving homeless hoop junkies will chew on basketballs as if they were the last working minds in a zombie apocalypse. And hey, if you hate hoop, or are only casually interested, feel free to close this column down right now and take a miss on the upcoming three months of hoop, since It's All Meaningless And We're Going To Die.

Strong effort to make this insufferable right from the opening tap, Willy.

Look, I haven't decided whether (Derrick) Rose is the MVP yet.

Independent of the unspoken rampant egotism that Bill Decides The MVP, this comes after 300 words recapping the man's season. It should also be noted that teams generally only have a half-dozen games or so left, and no one with any real sack in the MVP race is trying too hard right now. The Bulls will be the #1 seed in the East. Orlando, where probable MVP runner-up Dwight Howard toils for now, will not. The Lakers aren't likely to be the #1 seed in the West, so voting for Kobe Bryant doesn't work. MVP votes get divided on that Heat team that everyone hates so, so much that the Celtics are just lovable now. (Sorry, I verged into the Bill Mind there. Actually, the Celtics still make decent people spit.)

Note: the MVP is only for regular season work. It's not Best Player, or most LeBronish Player, or Player Who Makes The Stat Heads Shoot Their Load. So I'm not sure what, exactly, Billy's waiting for here. I'm pretty damn sure that the last 10 days of the season aren't really going to change anyone's idea of who the MVP is.

But until Billy says? WE HAVE NO IDEA. WHAT SUSPENSE!

(By the way? It's Rose. In a freaking walk, because the voters like counting stats and point guards for #1 seeds who dunk and block shots and make the highlight reel every night, particularly if they don't bone over their fan base in the process. Moving on.)

(In re Cleveland Fan rooting against the Heat in the playoffs) It would be like Jennifer Aniston rooting against every Angelina Jolie movie opening...

Bill, 2000 called. They want their reference back. The rest of us stopped caring about Aniston then, and Jolie in 2005. But hey, you and the other US Weekly readers can keep in that Brangelina thing. After six years, I know I'm not ready to move on. Where would your column be without them?

I keep getting emails: "Why don't you care about the Kings leaving as much as you cared about the Sonics leaving?"

Um, because you rub one out to a Kevin Durant Fathead on a daily basis, and thinking about Seattle just ruins the mood? (Hey, not judging. Guys our age need to worry about prostrate health.)

the Woodward/Bernstein-style investigation someday about how Miami really ended up with LeBron, Wade and Bosh. Which I predict will be written within the next 18 months

Everyone, I hope you're OK with Billy not liking LeBron James going to the Heat, instead of the Bulls and Clippers, like he wanted. He's only going to make this point, absent a Heat championship or six, for the rest of James' career. Year One has gone swimmingly!

I feel bad for Kings fans. I continue to feel bad for Sonics fans. But the Kings are leaving Sacramento because their franchise wasn't worth anything where it was.

And the real reason, of course, is that Billy likes the Maloofs, and wants to go to their casino when he's in Vegas (VEGAS! Speaking of things that can never, ever, ever get old), so they get to play Stadium Blackmail with a relative pass. Whereas no one has ever liked the turds that own the Thunder. And by the way, all sports team owners are guilty until proven guilty, at least until ESPN buys your soul lock, stock and barrel.

Additional reasons: SoCal guys like Billy only go to Sacramento under forced police escort, and he'll be able to go see more games in Anaheim, which isn't exactly a crushing commute from Los Angeles. And just in case you haven't guessed by now, this is Bill's World, and the rest of us are mere puppets on his strings, sent here by a loving Billy God to entertain Bill.

I myself am just an embodiment of Bill's self-hate. I wish I was stronger. Anyway...

... we're saps for caring about sports this much, because you never know when your own team is going to take a sledgehammer to your heart.

Billy knows about this because he's from Boston (have you heard?), where the locals have to suffer with teams that all win championships, never relocate, have legendary arenas, dozens of Hall of Fame players, and never get outbid for free agent talent. This makes him uniquely qualified to talk about other fan's pain. Probably because people from Boston are So Smart! (Just ask them. Then run.)

But it's basketball: a sport in which five guys have to mesh the right way (a process that often defies statistics)

It may defy statistics, BUT NOT BILL. Ah, the crux of the biscuit is revealed here in the Bucks comment. You see, you people -- you silly, adorable, quaint people, you -- don't really know how teams win basketball games. And by the way, this never happens due to coaching, luck, timing, referee shenanigans, fluke years or moments, hot streaks or anything else that is unknowable, or unpredictable. If only you knew as much as Billy knows!

Anyway, because the Bucks judged talent incorrectly after having a good year and exciting their local fan base in 2009-10, it means they are Stupid Stupid Stupid, with Stupid Minds. Stupid! If only they had hired Prince Billy! Then they'd know that basketball is an elaborate mosaic of styles and sensibilities that can only be mastered through sheer intellect. Because every team that's ever won a championship has done so with BRRRRAAAIIIINNNSSS. Especially when they had Shaq, or Michael Jordan, or some other Best Player in the Association.

That, or by having a team trade you one of the best players in the history of the league for pennies on the dollar, and having one of those players go to the franchises that have won half of the championships in the league's history. Provided, of course, that team has really, really, really awesome and worthy fans.

/ finding the blood pressure medication again

Anyway, if you pressed a RESET button for LeBron's Summer of 2010 and asked the question, "Knowing what we know now, what would have been the best pick for him?" there's only one answer …

Just one? Because it seemed like more than one team wanted LeBron last year, and that any number of contenders would have taken a 25/9/7 guy, considering there is only one of those guys. I must be mistaken.

(I'll give you a second.)

Just one? You're such a mensch. Can I use it to call a friend, record a self-serving conversation that reveals the depth of my professional laziness, and repost it while pretending it's work?

(Come on, you'll get it.)

No, I won't! I'm not from Boston! I'm really, really stupid! ENLIGHTEN ME, PRINCE BILLY!

(And … time!)

So soon? Come on, you can draw this out for a few dozen more words. This column's only going to clock in at 5K words with 5 new points, after all.

The Clippers!

Wow, who would have thunk it? The best player of the generation should have gone to the team where Prince Billy is a season ticket holder, with the possibility of cuckolding his team's biggest rival? And all so that James could see what life without an effective point guard or any concept of team defense, for an owner that redefines the meaning of the word regrettable, is like? (Answer: wildly different from Cleveland. Really.)

But we'd have highlights, you see. Highlights that would have taken away attention from the Lakers, where James and Blake Griffin dunk a lot. A darn shame for all of us, in that when Dwyane Wade dunks, children weep. Appreciation for LeBron and Blake dunking is how you know that Billy is a very, very serious basketball fan, who knows a lot more about this than you do.

How much fun would it have been to watch LeBron play with Eric Gordon, a Suddenly In Shape Because LeBron Is Here Baron Davis, Chris Kaman, DeAndre Jordan and especially Blake Griffin? Wouldn't that have been one of the ten most entertaining teams in the past 35 years?

It would have been SO MUCH FUN! So much more fun than watching LeBron play with a top five player in Dwyane Wade, a wildly up and down skilled soft big man in Chris Bosh, with the rest of the roster filled up with big name role players who are all five years past their prime. The Heat? NO FUN AT ALL. The very antithesis of fun. Despite this being a great season and all. He'd have been much better off winning games in front of Bill. KNEEL BEFORE BILL.

No, REAL FUN would have been had in ClipperLand, because there's no chance that Baron Davis actually sucks now and never gets hurt, Chris Kaman is a goof who would not have accepted a lesser role, DeAndre Jordan is the kind of up and down athlete too-fast too-soon athlete that never works out, and Griffin is just going to be healthy for the rest of his life, because big leaping big men always last forever, especially when they play for Donald Sterling.

Honestly, for a guy with a sense of NBA history, it's amazing how well Billy buys into The Clippers Are Coming. For 30 years now, really. But since Griffin dunks in an exciting manner, rather than throw Bill Walton-esque outlet passes, It's All Very Different Now.

Oh, and being the Other Team in an arena and media market is always what brings the best free agent of his generation, regardless of the team's history or the stink of sulfur coming from the owner's seats, where he berates his own players like a lunatic. Sure. Bron so should have come here. For less than he takes home in Miami. Anyway, my mistake for bringing logic into the conversation of What Billy Wants...

The Knicks hire Phil Jackson as their next coach.

This, by the way, appears in the middle of the Warriors comment, which in classic Simmons style, goes so far off the rails that it discusses two other teams entirely, but Warrior Fan should be OK with this, because it means they wind up with Mike D'Antoni. Because Warrior Fan wants nothing more than another 5 to 10 years of up-tempo defense-free losing, because that's entertaining. In case you haven't noticed it yet, Billy really likes the NBA to be status quo. It prevents you from having non-Celtic teams in the Finals, or from having to learn new things.

(In re the Deron Williams trade) Don't you hate when someone gets traded in your fantasy league and you never knew the guy was available?

No, because I don't generally believes the world revolves around me. Seriously, try this mindset out sometime, Bill. It frees up a lot of your time.

Isn't this how 80 percent of all fantasy league email wars start?

Email wars? Good God Almighty, you *are* old. How about Twitter or Facebook or IM or texting, so long as we're all behaving like bitchy little girls? Or even just the message board on your league's site? But so long as you are emailing, I guess we all are. OK then.

Actually, fantasy league wars start when owners suspect other owners of collusion, or from working out an advantage via a league loophole, or from some guy bombing you with dozens of bad trade offers, or whining for self-serving rule changes. Trades? Trades happen. And when they do happen, kind of like when other people have sex, you should generally find something else to worry about. Unless, you know, you are the kind of an only child, relentlessly spoiled, unbearable prick that has to think this trade is about you. Don't you? Don't you?

By the way, my League of Dorks auction lasted for eight and a half hours last weekend.

My poker game last Friday went for 7.5 hours. I cleaned my house today for 7.5 hours. I've been writing this column for 120 minutes. And my dick is... Oh, I'm sorry, I kind of got caught up in the pointless personal sharing there. *Do* go on, Billy.

At one point, we were arguing about whether you should be able to trade minor league picks right up to the day of the minor league draft

And people wonder, really they do, about a general coarsening of society, and why people feel like they can just go into wanton personal abuse on the Internet.

I don't wonder.

I read the Bad Tooth.

One other thing: If you allowed me one do-over for the 2010-11 season, mine would be Phoenix trading Hill to Boston before the deadline for Semih Erden, Avery Bradley, Von Wafer and $3 million.

My do-over for the 2010-11 season would have been Oklahoma City trading Serge Ibaka and Kevin Durant to Philadelphia (sorry, my Sixers, since in Billy Land, we all gt to use the personal pronoun and be on the team, like members of a kid's club!) before the deadline for Spencer Hawes and Andres Nocioni. Gosh, why wouldn't have the other team done that deal, considering that they would be giving up value for squat to my favorite team? I AM A BASKETBALL GENIUS. Also, LeBron James should have signed with Philadelphia.

Oh, and I'm a very large NBA fan, so much that I know who Semih Erden and Von Wafer are. You'll be able to watch them play in Europe and the Third World soon, if they haven't gone there already. But by all means, trade a borderline great wing player and defender for them.

Phoenix would have finally gotten good karma for a transaction.

It's good karma to help Boston! No team ever helps Boston! Unlike, say, Seattle selling Ray Allen off for the pick that became Meh Jeff Green, and Hall of Fame Celtic Kevin McHale delivering Kevin Garnett to the team for No D Al Jefferson. And the Sonics and Wolves got such good karma for these moves that they wound up moving the franchise and losing 60 games a year on average ever since, respectively. Karma, folks. Billy's helping your karma. Not his team, of course. Never that. Because then he'd just be the world's biggest homer, and we could just spend our time developing ever-increasing amounts of hate for anything connected to New England...

(Houston) Our go-to example for the rest of eternity for The Law of Too Many Guys. You only need eight and a half guys to win in the NBA...

Unless, you know, you have 10, like the '80s Celtic teams that Bill pleasures himself to, when the Durant Fathead has gotten a little too much use. Or injuries. But trust us, folks, Billy knows the only way to win games.

All of these concepts sound incredibly simple, yet NBA teams forget them over and over again.

Mostly because players are human beings, with unknowable foibles and personal lives that cause them to behave erratically, rather than like video game avatars. Stupid humanity! If only you held to your role, so Omniscient Bill could never lose another bet again!

Here's what fascinates me: Rockets GM Daryl Morey already knew the Law of Too Many Guys

You know, the law Prince Billy made up. Along with the dozens of other laws that Billy uses to show you that only through the use of his brain can you hope to win in the NBA. If only someone would hire him to be their GM! He'd work really hard at that. Until there was a movie to make, or MTV tweens to ogle, or...

Anyway, I stand by my stance when the Melo trade happened: You always trade coins for paper in the NBA.

Remember this for next week's Denver comment, when he throws Melo under the bus as not being a True Superstar, while citing Melo's resemblance to a Knicks center from two decades ago. You think Bill's cultural references are tired? It's got nothing on his NBA references.

If NBA owners ran Hollywood, the creepy uncle from "Winter's Bone" would be enjoying Year 1 of a six-year, $58 million movie deal. Hearing them bitch about "lost revenue" is like hearing Brad and Angelina bitch about future college expenses for their kids. Shut up already.

Gosh, just two Brad / Angelina / Aniston references this week? And they say Billy doesn't get edited. And seriously, if you are going for this kind of reference and running it into the ground, can't we at least go with something a little more timeless? I've got some killer Fatty Arbuckle jokes to run past you, Bill. And the world really needs to know more about how Louise Brooks was a slut. (And yes, I did that just to get a Louise Brooks picture in the column.

Back next Friday with the Final Fourteen: Pretenders, Contenders and an MVP pick.

Gosh, might it be Derrick Rose? CAN'T WAIT. (And yes, I'll always love Bart Scott for causing Billy pain. Pain that only a Boston Fan can understand.)