Top 10 Ways Sixer Fan Should Mark Ben Simmons' Return

Ah Yep

10) In anticipation of the "Bricking For Chicken" missed free throw promotion, refrain from eating for the better part of a day, so you don't put on too much weight

9) Turn off all national media, which are going on full They Threw Snowballs At A Drunk In A Santa Suit A Half Century Ago Alert

8) Boo Simmons for the fractions of a second where he has the ball in his hands

7) Check Simmons' social media feeds in mid-game, since he'll likely be updating them then

6) Wear the Simmons gear you haven't burned (as if)

5) Wear the Carson Wentz gear you didn't get to wear last week (and burn that too)

4) Nervously pass up your once in a lifetime chance to boo a useless grifter into oblivion to someone who isn't very prepared, interested, or good at booing

3) React with absolute silence to the inevitable highlight reel that some poor media intern had to compile as a sign of good will, or something

2) Look at James Harden on the bench in street clothes and know that, in your heart, you won this trade even when the Beard is sitting on his ass

1) Hours of uninterrupted rhythmic sing-a-long profanity that stagger the human imagination with its creativity and persistence

The Philly-Houston Sportspocalypse Night: Houston's Leather Edge

Best Jerseys

> Phillies had Meek Mill pump the crowd, take a victory lap on the Phanatic's cycle, and emerge from the dugout wearing the powder blue uniforms of my youth. Everything good at once, honestly. 

> They also tied the game after just two pitches, with OF Kyle Schwarber continuing his late playoff locked-in run. They just never got the later hits with men on that they needed.

> The first inning ended on a strikeout and throw out double play as Phillies SS Bryson Stott executed a perfect block, as Philly Fan got back into full throat. They like defense, too.

> Nice game for 2B Jean Segura, who got on several times and actually got a knock with men in scoring position. Jean's probably not going to be with this team too much longer and he's clearly not 100% now, but he's giving everything he's got.

> The Astros did just enough offensively tonight, with weak contact and lucky offense providing a lot of traffic. If you hold a good offense to three runs in a bullpen game with shaky defense, it's really not on your bullpen. I don't know how much longer they can do this, especially with two elimination road games in front of them, but anyone who expected five games of this was lying.

> RHP Connor Brogdon was great tonight, and it says something about Phillies manager Rob Thomson that he didn't just bury this guy when he stunk it up earlier in the post-season. Maybe he didn't have options given how aggro he's been with the starters, but there's no such thing as low leverage innings in a tight World Series game, people.

> The fact that RHP Hector Neris keeps getting big out for the Astros is especially infuriating.

> RHP Seranthony Dominguez gave up a run on a bad play by Marsh, a wild pitch, and a chop. Even hitting into a rundown worked out for them, as it got a defensive swap that paid off for them. Lucky bastards. 

> In the 8th, 1B Rhys Hoskins couldn't field a ball cleanly, costing the Phils any chance of cutting off a run at the plate. It would have been a very hard play, but winning World Series games requires hard plays, folks. 

> With the tying run on third, Astros closer Ryan Pressly came on and got CF Brandon Marsh to whiff, and Schwarber to ground out on a play to first that could have easily given the home team the lead. In the ninth, CF Chad McCormick tracked a ball by C JT Realmuto to the wall, lept and held on. Defense, folks. In a Series that's 3-2 with the teams separated by just a single run, defense matters.

> Game Six is Saturday in Houston, with SP Zach Wheeler working with extra rest to see if he can get back his velocity and effectiveness. You can't think much of his chances, but you also can't win a series when you've had one good starting pitcher performance in five games. I don't want to see this team go out quietly, but they also owe us absolutely nothing. Go Phillies.

The Philly-Houston Sportspocalypse Night: Eagles Stay Unbeaten In Workmanlike Win

Sing The Song

In one of those rare occurrences when an NFL game played second fiddle in sports, the Eagles went to Houston and ground out a 12-point road win on short rest. Here's the takeaways.

> Philly Fan has totally taken over the Texans' home stadium. Jalen Hurts praying on the field doesn't seem like the kind of thing you should televise, but there it is.

> If you were worried about the absence of rookie DT Jordan Davis making this defense susceptible to the run, you were right to worry. Houston rookie RB Dameon Pearce is good, but he's not as good as they made him look.

> Worst game of the year for CB James Bradberry... still ends with a Bradberry pick to clinch it. Nice year he's having.

> Also a pretty bad game for CB3 Avante Maddox. First time this year the Texans scored on their opening drive.

> On some level, a 17 play drive for a touchdown is impressive... and when you are undefeated and facing a 1-5-1 team, maybe closer and longer than it needed to be. They also benefitted from multiple missed calls by the refs, who really didn't have a good night.

> Guys were running wide open all night, whether from poor coverage or good work by the Eagles receivers. It covered for another less than inspiring night of pass blocking, with LT Jordan Mailata having one of his worst games against DE Jerry Hughes. Hughes is a fine player, but Mailata should never be a turnstile.

> A rare game in that the Eagles didn't lead at the half, blow their opponent out in the second quarter, or totally shut down a shaky QB working with third-string WRs. We're clearly deep into style point land for the league's only undefeated team, especially when playing on Terrible Night for Football.

> Nice work by DE Robert Quinn tonight, but the stud of the game was DT Jason Hargraves. He was absolutely impossible for the Texans.

> Weird effort by the running game tonight. Holes were either immense or non-existent, and they weren't really able to put this away late. Very uneven work.

> Looks like they dodged a bullet from DT Fletcher Cox getting not hurt. I don't think Fletch is all that great any more, but he's helping Hargraves stay clean.

> One of the better games for the special teams, with the exception of K Jake Elliot missing the long one at the end of the first half. They weren't exceptional, but they also weren't a clear problem. Encouraging!

> The game turned on a turnover and Hurts finding Brown for a cotton-soft easy score. You could watch a lot of football and not see guys more open than this game.

> If you are an Eagles fan and not in the bag for GM Howie Roseman at this point, I don't know what to do for you. This year is just a festival of his moves paying off, with more of it tonight.

> The more you see of S Kevon Wallace, the less you think he's going to have a decent career. He's never part of positive plays for the defense.

> The Eagles are 8-0 for the first time in their history, and won a road game by 12 when they couldn't stop the run and didn't even seem all that interested in taking care of business. We are well into Style Points Time for these guys, honestly -- and the schedule isn't hard. Focus will be the challenge.

How It's Going: The Phillies Are Two Wins Away From A Parade

Lots Of This

The best month in Philadelphia sports history continued tonight with a 7-0 Game Three beatdown of the strongly favored Houston Astros. The Phillies went deep a record five times, three times in the first two innings, and the home team got nine shutout innings from their 3rd best starting pitcher and their absolute worst bullpen arms. 

You really can't imagine what this crowd is like right now; people are standing and screaming their heads off for hours on end, with seismic booms answering long balls. They are ride or die even when the game is out of reach for the opponent. They are making grown-ass baseball men wonder if anyone's home field advantage has ever been like this. It's just that nuts, honestly -- and in response, the Phillies are undefeated at home in the playoffs this year, with an absurd amount of offense and power. 

But wait, there's more. The bullpen, long considered to be suspect at best and owning the highest ERA of any team that made the post-season, hasn't given up a run in the first three games. Right fielder Nick Castellanos, never considered to be a plus defender, keep taking away hits. But the most remarkable thing to me just continues to be Phillies manager Rob Thomson running rings around the other dugout.

Astros SP Lance McCullers Jr. set a dubious record by giving up all of the homers, and if you want to wonder why a manager would squander a plus bullpen in a pivotal game by sticking with a guy who is getting crushed, well... it's another series where Thomson's aggression at changing pitchers was matched by his opponent asleep at the wheel. 

All of this, of course, doesn't mean anything if they can't win two out of the next four games, and if they really want to end the town, just win the next two at home, the way you ended the Braves and Padres previously. It's crazy to think it could go down like that, and Houston didn't win 100+ games on looks; momentum can change and this could all go away. But for right now, it's always sunny in Philadelphia -- except when it rains and allows the Phillies to start their preferred Game 3 starter, who then becomes just the second guy to ever wear the laundry and start a playoff game without giving up a run. (Oh, and he's a lefty, and the Astros murder lefties. Just not this one, and just not on this night.)

Two to go...

Eagles - Steelers Takeaways: How Do You Want To Win This Week?

26 yards per catch in this game

 > The Eagles won by 22 points in a game where they played the fourth quarter on auto pilot with back ups. No, seriously.

> No turnovers by the offense again. Deep balls with no turnovers. Hard to beat, people.

> All year, WR AJ Brown has been a cheat code. This week, QB Jalen Hurts decided to see what would happen if you just mashed the same buttons over and over again. Good, Lord. Some of these passes were also such perfect deep balls that if you want to start talking about Hurts winning the MVP, it's no longer without throwing highlights.

> Before this game, Hurts had 6 career passing touchdowns of over 25 yards. Now, he's got 10.

> If you are a Steeler Fan, you knew this was a rebuilding year and that this game, with the Eagles coming off a bye and at home, was going to be damn near impossible. It was. The Steelers showed fight, but also wipeout problems on both lines.

> It says something about your team that you spent most of the game with neither team getting a turnover, and you won by a ton.

> With 9 minutes left to play and a game on Thursday, the Eagles pulled the starters. It didn't seem to make a difference, but also with a short week before going to Houston, it helps.

> The Eagles still haven't trailed in the second half this year. We've just finished all of the games in September and October.

> Nice game from P Arryyn Siposs, but the punt coverage team gave up another successful fake. Lots of First World problems for the league's only undefeated team. 

> I don't think they are going to go 17-0 -- I think they are going to rest starters in games that don't matter -- but they are going to be favored in every game. We could also get deep enough into the year to start really thinking about it.

> Sweet moment from CBS to hype Merrill Reese and Mike Quick, with Tony Romo telling people to go listen to them. It's padding, especially because only Eagles Fan was still watching by that point.

> LB TJ Edwards with a great tip to add to the defense's takeaway total. This game was clearly fun for the defense, and it was also gratifying to see them shut down the running game.

> Also nice of QB2 Gardner Minshew to not light it up in garbage time. 

Next up is a terrible Houston team in Thursday, with Philly Fan probably already taking over the town for baseball. It'll be a challenge to not believe their press. But not much more than that.

The Phillies Advance: Takeaways

> Bryce Freaking Harper with the game-winning, career-defining, straight from a goddamned movie moment. He's played nearly the entire year hurt and unable to throw a baseball. He struggled down the stretch from coming back from injury too quickly. The career-long narrative -- a gifted player who makes too much money and isn't conducive to a winning atmosphere -- remained part of the idiot sports conversation right up until this afternoon.

And then he launched a ball to left, and watched it leave the yard as if there was no possibility that it wouldn't, despite the rain, gloom, cold and history.

The ball left the field of play.

The stadium and city shook. 

And everything changes. 

Sports, man. Gotta love sports.

> When a team wins a series 4-1, it should feel like they are just dramatically better... but in a series where the 5th seed loses to the 6th, that's not the sense. What was absolutely striking was the difference in managers. While Padres manager Bob Melvin was keeping LHP Josh Hader fresh for spring training, Phillies' manager Rob Thomson was sawing through his rotation like there was no tomorrow -- because there wasn't. You shouldn't win 4 out of 5 games just because you've got a better manager. That may have just happened.

> With the tying run on second and the winning run on first, Padres centerfielder Trent Grisham faced emergency reliever Ranger Suarez with one out and the chance to reverse a series-long ofer. He chose to try to bunt for a base hit against a pitcher who might be the best fielder for his position in the league. Ranger scooped it out, took the out, and then got weak-hitting catcher Austin Nola to pop out to right. Ballgame. And quite possibly a career-defining moment of WTF for Grisham and the Padres.

> During this entire run, people have talked about Philly Fan's impact on the game... and at 5-0, it's real. I don't know why this town is the only place where everyone is all-in from start to finish, but so be it. The rest of the world is looking at their phones and waiting to react. Philly Fan is cheering like sports fans used to cheer, and maybe more. 

> On deck after Harper is OF Nick Castellanos, who hit something like .200 for the playoffs, hasn't homered in forever, swings at every first pitch no matter where it is, and didn't hurt San Diego all series. You could have had Hader pitch to Harper; you could have pitched around him and went after this man who didn't rise to the moment all series. If you root for the Padres, you're going to spend the rest of your baseball life seeing this home run and wondering why your team gave him a chance to end your season. I don't envy your lot in life.

> MLB forced this game to continue in untenable rain that could have really gotten people hurt. They got away with it. They got so, so lucky.

> The Padres boast several stud players and a lot of good arms, but they also had a number of hitters that just gave them nothing in this series. They don't stop the running game, and their manager just totally failed in the spotlight in a way that has to bleed the confidence out of their people. They should be fine and there's only a few teams that really are trying to win, but yeesh.

> How happy, honestly, are the broadcast powers to have a major East Coast and top six metro team move on? San Diego is a lovely place to visit. Money, not so much.

> Philly Fan could not love Thomson more, and for a baseball lifer to just go all-in for new ways of thinking that works out is notable. The man they call Topper had nearly a dozen guys close games this year, and had the stones to know where the important outs were. Melvin, not so much. Hader's still available to work the bottom of the ninth, though.

> All credit to San Diego SP Yu Dervish, who gave his team every chance to win on a day where his fastball command just did not exist. The Phillies didn't play a perfect series, especially defensively; they just aren't that kind of team. But when their stars come through, they win. They aren't the best organization in the league, but playoff baseball isn't like that. 

> Nothing in sports beats joyous group song. For whatever reason, the Phillies chose "Dancing on My Own", and it's just part of what's made this run special. Keep singing.

> SP Zack Wheeler. 1.78 ERA with a 0.51 WHIP in this postseason, so far. When you make a run like this, your top starter does stuff like this, and he's remembered for it forever. (But not as much as, well, Harper. Dumb money, not so much.)

Eagles - Cowboys: The Blowout That Wasn't

Stop Doing This Quite So Much

 > After going up 20-3 in the first half and looking like they didn't belong in the same frame with Dallas, the home team came out flat and gave Dallas hope before coming back to form late. Not playing four quarters hasn't cost them yet, but it's still worrisome.

> Injuries change games, and maybe even seasons. Losing your starting LT and S didn't excuse the change in this game, but it did accentuate it. The way to attack this Eagles defense is with patience in the running game. Dallas added tape to that, but it shouldn't be news.

> Really rough night for the refs, and a female one as well, which is just hard to see and will prompt more misogyny from a country that already overloads on it at the buffet. After discussion, a block in the block isn't a block in the back. That's about as bad as it gets.

> DE Brandon Graham with the hit that causes QB Cooper Rush's third pick and the coup de gras. NBC wanted to sell this as a near miss on a Cowboys touchdown and further drama because rooting for Dallas and a close game is where the money is, but assuming that Rush can air it out long and far enough is a bit of a reach, honestly. He's a telegraphing noodle-armed QB, which is to say, he's a backup for reasons.

> When the Eagles needs to end games, they do it with the ground game and it's downright porny. The fact that they can do that against an elite defense with backup linemen is impressive, but it's also kind of where football is now. Speed is more common than power.

> The Eagles need to stop it with the telegraphed QB power sneak / rugby scrum play. Someone's going to get hurt, and that someone can't get hurt. 

> The Dallas defense is for real. Great at pursuit, good at tackling, fast. They didn't really wear down tonight, and they had every reason to. If and when they get an offense, they are a playoff team, but the joy of Dallas is that their general manager is a crazy old man who isn't very good at being a general manager, so they rarely overcome injuries or get better over the course of a season.

> Another joy of hating the Cowboys is that they inevitably hire the village idiot to coach them. Mike McCarthy didn't challenge an obvious first down ball spot mistake, so that he could rush into an ill-advised bootleg on fourth and short deep in his own territory. The fact that this was a game after that still kind of astounds me.

> Would Dallas have won this game with QB Dak Prescott? There's reasons to think it would have been a lot closer -- Rush was telegraphing, bad, and threw three picks in limited attempts, all of which were ill-advised and executed -- but this game shouldn't have been close. They just aren't that good, and the Eagles are.

> The single biggest reason why the Eagles are 6-0 is that their secondary is playing some of the best ball in the history of the laundry. Passes are deflected, picks are made, tackling is usually strong and they make plays when the money is on the table. They also haven't faced a murderer's row of quarterbacks, but this year's schedule doesn't really have one. Besides, the pass rush is good as well, and it makes every QB look worse.

> The Eagles didn't really make their claim to being the best team in the league tonight; only a blowout would have done that, and the offense is still too hit and miss, mostly on their own execution and QB Jalen Hurts being vulnerable to odd man blitzes. It' maddening, because when they are good (like, say, in every second quarter), they are utterly unstoppable and can take their pick of how to beat you with mismatches all over the field. There's going to be a game where they play 3 or 4 quarters at their top level and put up a point a minute, and it won't matter who the opponent is.

But 6-0 is 6-0, and it closed one of the best weekends in the history of Philly sports -- and they get to rest up with a bye. Enjoy it.

> Three unsportsmanlike flags on the Dallas defense tonight, all in the second half. America's team, people. I used to rail against that, but then I used to not be quite so cynical about politics...

The Phillies Discover Their Fandom

These People Are Loud

This week, for the first time in 11 years, Philadelphia hosted playoff baseball and utterly crushed it. After two games of relentless offense, stunning fan volume and perfect weather, Atlanta was dispatched and the men in red moved on.

The wins were remarkable in many respects. Nearly every offensive player had a starring moment. The relievers, long the telltale sign that the Phillies organization wasn't ready for prime time, manned up -- even the ones that had failed before and recently. Phillies manager Rob Thomsen continues to have every decision, even the ones that seem a little questionable when he does them, work out. It's all been an amazing couple of weeks for a team that looked like they'd only make it to the playoffs if the Brewers stunk worse, and would get dispatched with prejudice

If you're an Atlanta fan (they exist?), I have no idea what to tell you. Your young stud players, some of them the envy of all MLB, just didn't show up. You have to love them anyway, even while the rest of the civilized world wonders how, in 2022, you still perform racist pantomimes as a rally event. Seriously. You also just got cheered and booed out of the playoffs while your star outfielder failed to cover an inside the park home run, because running is hard, I guess.

The joy of playoff baseball is that if you get in, anything can happen and usually does... which is why the NLCS will be the 5th seed (San Diego) against the 6th (Philly). Two or three of those games will be in Philadelphia, the only place in the world where baseball is seemingly life and death to a fan base that, up to two and a half weeks ago, had ample evidence that these guys were choke artists. 

Life. Amazing thing, isn't it?

Eagles - Cardinals: Good And Lucky Enough

Takeaways from a sloppy win that my laundry somehow gutted out. Perfection isn't always perfect...

> Just because QB Jalen Hurts is very effective in power sneaks does not mean I really want to see him do it a half dozen times a game. It's a long season. This team doesn't win without QB1. Find other things to do there please.

> Up-tempo offense always look really good or really terrible. 

> Eagle Fan made this a home game. They do that a lot.

> DE Josh Sweat didn't get a sack today and is very hit or miss, but his raw wheels were shown on a 5 yard loss on a reverse. 

> Winning a road game against a talented and desperate opponent when you have multiple offensive linemen go down is impressive. More helpful: the linemen came back and played in the game.

> Best play of the day from Hurts: a 3rd and 13 backbreaker  to WR Devonta Smith. Off side, cross field, against pressure, 23 yards and fantastic. The QB didn't have his best day today and lucked out from a near-pick, but he flashes routinely.

> PR Brandon Covey looked more like an NFL player today. Maybe the game's starting to slow down for him.

> The Eagles are the best team in the NFC, playing a major market team with a marquee QB... and we got the D team (Chris Myers! Robert Smith!) as the announcing team. Honestly, Chris Myers could make you nap through any game ever, and Smith's commentary is as nondescript as his name.

This, after two days of Yankee announcers talking about the Yankees during the first Phillies playoff series in 11 years. If you've ever wondered why Philly Fan hates the national media, you haven't been paying attention.

> I don't really understand Arizona. Talent is good, speed is off the charts, and the results and fan base aren't there. They lost a home game they really needed to have against a team that gave them a B- effort, with their franchise QB sliding too early and their front office being unable to find a kicker to make a very manageable field goal. Maybe they'll be fine once WR DeAndre Hopkins is back, but this seems like a place where the coach loses a job soon.

> Better work from P Aaryn Siposs this week, but failing to stop a fake punt is not great.

> How I'd attack the Eagles defense: tempo, running, quick throws. The dirty little secret of the Eagle defense is that they aren't as good against the run as the numbers look.

> The biggest hole in Hurts' game? Deflected balls at the line of scrimmage. Several per game. Not sure how to scheme away from that.

> Did not love the Eagles' offensive play-calling this week. Too many vertical screens, not enough running until late, poor blitz coverage in obvious situations for a blitz, and didn't get the ball to WR AJ Brown enough. Hopefully all fixable.

> For the defense, 17 points on the road is more than good enough, but the tackling and third down performance wasn't up to snuff. I'm never a fan of DE Hassan Reddick dropping into coverage. 

> Meanwhile in other games, Dallas won again with QB Cooper Rush and the Giants won in London against the Packers, so suddenly the NFC East is the best division in football. Yeah, I know, just what everyone was predicting.

The Phillies Advance

Celebrate Good Times

I'm a day late and not really having enough time or skin in the game on this, but the real fun of sports is when you see players achieve in stress situations. Especially when it's surprising.

In the 8th inning of the clinching win, Seranthony Dominguez, with an ERA of over 11 since returning from injury, struck out Paul Goldschmidt and Nolan Arenado with men on base to preserve the lead. The fact that Phillies (somehow still interim) manager Rob Thomson did this, and it worked, was everything about this.

For the Cardinals faithful, multiple Hall of Fame careers ending in back to back losses at home has to be hard to take. But that's baseball, and while it's very small consolation, the final at-bats from Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina were base hits. Not so much from their MVPs.

It's all small sample size and that's the fun of it, and whether it will hold up against the Braves is a whole 'nother matter, but who cares. They won. They get to keep playing, probably against a Braves pitching staff that will make them look very, very bad. But at least some of those games will be at home -- and unlike the Mets, they are still playing baseball. Good times!

Phillies - Cardinals Game One: Contact

 After 8 innings of mostly dull as hell while still being excruciating baseball, the Phillies trailed on the road 2-0. After 1B Rhys Hoskins failed to hold up on ball four, they were two outs away from defeat... and then they stopped swinging at balls. After a single by C JT Realmuto, two walks and a hit by pitch by 3B Alec Bohm broke the shutout, then 2B Jean Segura snuck a ball through the right side, and hey presto, a lead. PR Edmundo Sosa took home with a slide for the ages, and when the smoke cleared, it's the most runs ever in the post-season for a team trailing in the 9th. Phillies 6, Cardinals 3, and they are a win away from taking the series.

Thoughts:

> I enjoyed the ending, but lord alive, baseball is terrible now. Just no contact, all the mystery gone with spin rates and velocity, shifts taking away hits. You can have it.

> Watching Albert Pujols trying to beat out a double play ball is like watching a Galapagos turtle. Apologies to the turtle.

> The Cardinals had 20 innings of Zach Wheeler this year, and scored no runs. Fun.

> For a bad defensive team... not so much! Enjoyable.

> I don't do much in the way of managerial second-guessing, but leaving in the closer who can't find the plate and burning up the bullpen... yeesh.

> I still don't think this Phillies team is going deep -- the bullpen isn't exactly deep or trustworthy, and when OF Kyle Schwarber and Hoskins aren't doing much, the offense is very workable -- but they beat a good closer on the road. If you can't enjoy that, there's no reason to watch the game...

The small joys of Phillies fandom

Yesterday in Houston, the Phillies clinched a spot in the post-season for the first time in 11 years, with SP Aaron Nola going perfect for 6+ innings and OF Kyle Schwarber continuing his Rob Deer 2022 impersonation by leaving the yard twice. This ends the current longest post-season drought in MLB. They'll play on Friday against St. Louis or New York, have a puncher's chance behind Nola and SP Zach Wheeler, and consider themselves fortunate to be playing extra baseball despite being left for dead in May. All good, right? 

Well, kind of. The problem for the Phillies is that with any amount of good, you get an equal or greater measure of Oh Good Lord. Consider:

> The best players on the team this year (Nola, C JT Realmuto) are anti-vax asshats that cost their team dearly in a series in Toronto. They aren't alone in this selfishness.

> The bullpen is a constant churn of Who's Good Now, with little consistency from week to week, let alone month to month. Nearly a dozen pitchers have recorded saves for the team this year. Even when they are good, as they have been for much of the year, they induce anxiety.

> The team isn't particularly young, cheap, lovable and thriving. The best players are already at their peak or descending, and in a division with New York and Atlanta, this makes you third place all day. The ceiling for this team is more or less where they are: around 90 wins. Whoop de damn do!

> There's like a half dozen guys on this team who have played long and lucrative careers without even sniffing the playoffs, even in an age where it's easier and easier to get into them. That's kind of telling.

> This is basically a .500 team if you don't count their speed bag games against a deplorable Washington team. If you wanted to define Paper Tiger or Empty Threat, this is your line up.

And yet... a half dozen guys in the starting lineup can reach the seats with relative regularity, and in the sad state that is baseball in 2022, where no one can string three hits in a row any more unless they all leave the yard, that matters a lot. The defense is no longer a complete train wreck. It's more fun when the local team is good, and right now, with the exception of the Flyers (and I stopped caring about hockey this century), it's a great time to be a Philly sports fan. There's something to positive civic momentum.

Do I really think they can win a series, let alone a dozen plus playoff games? Not especially, unless they have another gear of House Money Fun Time that they weren't showing during a stumblebum September. OF Bryce Harper isn't healthy or himself, and the rest of the mashers don't really do much against, you know, good pitchers. 

But it's baseball. In October. For a franchise that won't break your heart, because they've shown you many times over that you shouldn't give it to them. Yay!

Eagles - Jaguars Takeaways: Winning In Many Ways

 > If you are a fan of being able to win in different ways – and why wouldn’t you be? – having a rain and wind day and crushing on the ground, while overcoming a big early deficit, is all kinds of good.

> QB Jalen Hurts’ first quarter pick-6 was just a horrific play from start to finish. Bad decision by Hurts to throw into coverage to 4th WR Zach Pascal, bad execution of the pass leading to the tip and score, and bad luck from T Jordan Mailata getting hurt in the runback. Just maximum fail.

> The fact that Hurts can Hulk Up to finish touchdown runs is one of those superpowers that I hope he doesn’t use too often. Because injuries.

> The offensive PI call on TE Dallas Goedert that cost WR AJ Brown a nifty score was bogus, but I have no idea what that call means now, and refs are people too who need TV time, so. Moving on.

> P Arryn Siposs continues to miss inside the 20 opportunities, and PR/KR Britain Covey doesn’t look like he’s going to survive the season. The fact that this is the most consistent point of complaint among the faithful is the very definition of First World Problems.

> For a good defense, this team gives up kitten-soft touchdowns far too often, but they’ve got more takeaways than scoring plays against them. So, time to STFO.

> It’s a bad idea to judge an offense in bad weather conditions and when they are missing their top people, but… QB Trevor Lawrence just didn’t pass the eye test for me. For a purported generational talent, he just seems ordinary, and that’s before we get into the fact that he was a turnover machine today. (Yes, yes, weather… but Hurts’ stopped at one giveaway. Lawrence got to five. That’s not all coincidence.)

> The pick CB James Bradberry in the third was flat out awesome, in timing and game context.

> A hidden part of why the pass rush has been getting home in the past few games: DT Fletcher Cox is having a bounce-back year while playing fewer snaps. Keeping him fresh for 17 games will be the challenge.

> This team seems to be trying to see if they can win every game by simple treating the opponent like a speed bag in the second quarter. So far, they haven’t done the trick in other quarters, and it has not mattered. It will eventually.

> If you want to pick nits, going +4 on takeaways and winning by 8 at home seems a little on the light side. Fourth down play calling remains not great, and injuries were a real concern today. Again, First World problems.

> RB Miles Sanders with the bell cow day, 24 carries and 2 scores. If the man can stay healthy, he’s going to have a very nice second contract from someone soon. And if RB Boston Scott isn’t healthy soon, he’s going to get Wally Pipped by new toy RB Trey Sermon.

> DE Hassan Reddick with the Nope, No Drama strip sack to end things was downright porny, especially for a hometown hero. In the past two days, the man has sold some jerseys.

> Right now, it’s difficult to tell whether keeping your powder dry about being the best team in the NFC (if not the league) is just being a killjoy, or whether pricing Super Bowl tickets is jinxing it or refusing to honor the moment. But they just seem special, deep, well-coached, motivated, etc. Not allowing a 14-point hole at home to remain and fester and controlling the line of scrimmage in both directions will do that. 

Eagles - Commanders: Bringing The Pain

 > As dominant a game as you will see in the modern game from the Eagles defense, especially on the passing side, on the road. DE Hassan Reddick made plays, everyone got to the QB for the most part without blitzing, and you could tell the pressure rattled Commanders QB Carson Wentz. In the first half, it was 325 yards to 50, and the Commanders' passing attack registered -16 yards. Good, Lord.

> A second bullet because the defense deserves it: you don't normally see a pass rush at the end of a football game, honestly. Rushing the passer is hard in the modern game with so many short throws, and if you throw it long enough, linemen get gassed. This was the second straight game where they got to the QB late and made the opposition not even get cheap fantasy points. Wildly encouraging.

> The most times that Wentz has ever been sacked in a game. (Edgar G Robinson voice on) Where's your Jehovah now, Carson?

> Have to feel good for DE Brandon Graham to have a big day and show full recovery from last year's injury. He's an all-timer in the laundry for the Super Bowl strip sack alone, but it's great to see him controlling his late career narrative.

> I'm all for aggressiveness and ending a game as early as possible. But going for it fourth down twice in the red zone, so you can make it once and get seven points at the buzzer instead of six with a sense of calm... this just seems unnecessary. And potentially something that will bite this team in the ass when they play a real team.

> WR Devonta Smith had the best half of his time in the laundry in the first. His ability to dance a sideline is insane, and he keeps crushing on deep balls. Winning the contested ball to end the first half was a play he did not make last year.

> QB Jalen Hurts' comfort with WR AJ Brown is obvious and earned. Brown, for his part, is the best-looking WR in the laundry since, sigh, Terrell Owens. Please, for the love of God, AJ, stay not like that guy outside of the lines. 

> Best WR duo in the laundry since the halcyon days of Young Desean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin. And neither of those guys are as undeniable on handfight balls as Brown.

> Just a bad game for Commanders HC Ron Rivera. Didn't get a challenge flag out fast enough, didn't adjust his offense to take advantage of winning in the running game, and seemed to just think that doing the same thing long enough was sufficient. You don't get too many road games that are this inviting to the opponent. It's not as if any of his players did a lot to help, but still.

> It's nice to have linebackers. After a decade of not having them, I'm not going to take for granted for a long time. It also makes trying to engineer a quick strike comeback really difficult, because they just tackle well. 

> If you are looking to nitpick, there's a lot for a road game that you won easily. The offensive line isn't winning as much as you might expect in the first three games. Hurts has been covering a lot of sins, and you'd think that with a big lead against a 30th ranked rushing defense, you'd be able to do more to grind clock. It's also the second straight game where the offense came out in the second half with a lead and didn't seem very interested. And DT Jordan Davis' 15-yarder to give a fresh set of down on a made field goal is inexcusable. Giving up a safety on a predictable give to scatback RB Boston Scott also isn't great. Just a lot to clean up for what looks like a top five kind of team.

> PR Brandon Covey isn't acclimating to NFL speed, is taking bumps like a pro wrestling jobber, and probably needs to be replaced. It was telling that when the game was close and the Eagles were looking to force matters, they gave Smith a shot.

> P Arryn Siposs with multiple misses into the end zone early, when he had a chance to pin the Commanders' deep, but at least he got two to check up later. Add this to the blocked field goal last week under things that need work and isn't mattering. Yet.

> By the third quarter, this was a majority Eagles crowd, and even Fox knew it. They also could not have flogged Bucs-Packers in this game more; just not humanly possible. Whatever, you mooks: neither of those teams looks like the class of the conference right now. My team does.

> Fourth and four, Commanders out of timeouts, the Eagles chose to end it with Hurts throwing to Brown, as easy as it gets. Baller.

Eagles - Vikings Thoughts: Well, Damn, This Is Encouraging

 Some quick points from the best kind of win -- surprising and dominant.

> If QB Jalen Hurts is going to be accurate and decisive in the passing game against a max coverage scheme, that's a world of difference from last year.

Part of this is just his WR corps -- WR AJ Brown just puts everyone in their proper place and can just clown guys -- but it's also growth. Smart throws to WR Devonta Smith in rhythm, more than a few good pieces of work to TE Dallas Goedert -- this is just not going to be a fun team to defend. 83% completion with 10+ yards an attempt, a score and a deflection pick. Crazy good when you add 57 yards and two touchdowns on the ground. If you give this roster a top 10 QB -- and Hurts has been that for the first two games of the season -- they are a legitimate title contender (with, of course, health). The way he led the team to a 2-minute drill field goal at the end of the first half was masterful.

I also utterly loved his closed arms non-reaction swagger after hitting the home run ball to WR Quez Watkins. Baller.

> RB Miles Sanders is playing like he wants a contract. Very little dancing, a lot of yards after contact, good blitz pick up. He's their best back by a lot.

> This officiating crew really likes television time. This game could have been over a lot sooner if it weren't for a lot of nonsense calls.

> DC Jonathan Gannon gets a lot of grief for not being aggressive with a defense that needs help to get to the QB -- and then he has a game like tonight, in which he schemes WR Justin Jefferson into irrelevance, then sends real pressure late and made his guys looked absolutely jacked to be in this laundry. Encouraging.

> If you are a Vikings fan and you think Kirk Cousins is a QB you can win with, please run, do not walk, to my poker table. We really want to see you.

> The Vikings' most vital offensive player is RB Dalvin Cook. He had 6 carries for 17 yards, and 4 catches for 19. That's getting it done.

> The Eagles won by 17 points in a game where they didn't score in the second half. Part of this was just mistakes -- a blocked field goal, a tipped ball pick -- and some of it was just grinding clock. But they won by a lot with a mess of mistakes, honestly. 

> Maybe the best game of CB Darius Slay's time in the laundry -- 2 picks, 5 breakups, could have had more picks honestly -- and one of the best games ever by an Eagle CB. Like Brown with the WR corps, he just sets the secondary into their proper order, and when you give him Cousins on a Monday night, his biggest problem might be keeping his helmet dry from a watering mouth. Extra points for giving a pick game ball to James Harden and showing that it's a really fun time to be a Philly sports fan right now.

> I'm still not in love with this defensive line. They don't get the push you'd like to see, and two games of prized free agent edge rusher Hassan Reddick is not exactly selling any jerseys. But they have linebackers who actually close, tackle and deflect passes now, and that's very, very new. I like.

> Shout out to P Arryn Siposs, who punted well and tracked down a blocked field goal better. Last year wasn't great, and the team did not bring in a competitor in training camp -- and he's been good anyway. One more small point to the coaching staff for knowing what they have.

> Not a good game for PR Britain Covey, who is still practice squad fodder and not locked into the role. He seems to be sure-handed, but this game wasn't at NFL speed. He is, of course, better than the departed WR Jalen Raegor, who Eagle Fan really enjoyed booing the living hell out of tonight, for so, so many reasons.

> The schedule is going to do the team some favors -- they look to have a lot of cookies coming up -- but it's a challenge to keep eyes on the prize. They don't give out wins in this league before you play.

Eagles - Lions: 10 Thoughts

 > Any time when you win a road game and didn't control the trenches, that's theft.

> Eagle Fan is looking for growth from QB Jalen Hurts, and that didn't really happen. But he also did not turn the ball over and this isn't a game you win without a hyperathletic running QB.

> This might be the best offensive line in football -- if you only count run blocking. Pass blocking, not so much. And when a big chunk of your run yardage is from your running QB, maybe not that either.

> With Lions QB Jared Goff's fumbled snap reclassified as a running play, this was a sackless game where the Eagle defense had the lead the majority of the game, and the Lions offense was missing multiple starters. When your best pass rush comes from a safety blitz, That's Not Good.

> If Hurts runs 17 times a game, he's not going to be upright through October.

> Coverage-wise, this is one of the better Eagles secondaries I've ever seen, but still had some lapses, and it's easy to overstate how much anticipation you can get when you are facing Goff.

> I'm fine with HC Nick Sirianni being really aggro on fourth down calls. Now, if he only called decent plays on those plays...

> Dallas is alone in the NFC East cellar. I'm really OK with that.

> WR AJ Brown for a ho-hum 155 in his Eagles debut -- AKA, over half of the passing offense. He's ridiculous and I'm thrilled to have him in my laundry.

> I get that Lions DB De'Andre Swift is a good player. He's not freaking Barry Sanders. This defense gave up 35 points and was supposed to be good. I get that Week 1 is for overreaction and any win is a good win, especially on the road... but let's just say my 13-win prediction based on a top 10 defense? Not feeling very confident in it coming true right now...

Your Worthless 2022 Eagles Prediction

Maybe if you combed your beard more

 The rule of thumb for the Eagles in most years is that if you think they will be good, you're wrong and hate life... and if you think they'll be bad, you'll be pleasantly surprised by relative mediocrity. When what really happens is that their dumpster fire of a division (Jerry Jones! Daniel Snyder! The Mara Family! Take a bow!) changes and warps all assessment, and the NFC Least division winner gets exposed in a one-and-done playoff appearance.

And then there's this year. The Eagles added a half-dozen defensive starters, either through well-regarded draft picks, free agent signings that are getting applauded from outside of the area, and some returns from injury. For the first time in something like 15 to 20 years -- yes, even the Super Bowl year -- they may actually have the most exotic of football animals, a linebacker that would get a starting job somewhere else if they were released. They signed a CB2 (James Bradberry) with size, some good recent performance, and a summer filled with glowing camp reviews. They might even rush the passer, and if Derek Barnett (back on a discount!) makes bonehead penalties, he'll sit, because he's not even really a starter anymore. Instead of hoping that reach past draft picks like third rounder Davion Taylor will be fine if just given playing time, they cut him, then signed him back to the practice squad when the rest of the league shrugged. There's so much to like here.

Anyway. Let's pick wins and losses.

Week 1 - WIN at Detroit. The Lions have some points in their favor and Week 1 is always odd, but they come in with a hurt offensive line and a past inability to stop the run. The Eagles should win this by two touchdowns, so let's assume a close game due to turnover variances.

Week 2 - LOSS against Minnesota on a Monday night. The Eagles aren't starting the year 4-0, and they aren't losing either of the next two games. So this is the whiff game.

Week 3 - WIN At Washington. Betting for Daniel Snyder's team to implode is never a bad idea, and the need for the franchise to dunk on Carson Wentz will make for tens of thousands of Philly Fan to fill that terrible stadium and turn it into a home game.

Week 4 - WIN against Jacksonville. This is a potential trap game if they beat Minnesota, but it's just too soon in Doug Pederson's second head coaching job to pull off a road win.

Week 5 - LOSS at Arizona. There's some definite bad juju coming out of Arizona, but this road trip has been a nightmare for the team for most of the last two decades. Zach Ertz revenge game, assuming he's healthy enough to deliver it.

Week 6 - WIN against Dallas. Definitive game for the first half of the season against the only other team in the division that should be above .500. Dallas is showing issues in the offensive line, I'm not convinced that QB Dak Prescott can overcome decay there, and this defense was artificially good last year on turnover variance. 

Week 7 - WIN against Pittsburgh. Count me in the not really believing in QB Mitchell Trubisky camp. (Let's face it: you aren't winning when you rely on a Mitchell. Don't make me go down the MST3K rabbit hole as to why.) The Steelers are too well-coached to tank, but maybe they should? Not going to be a fun year for them.

Week 8 - WIN at Houston. Bad franchise and an ugly TNF game, but momentum is a thing at this point as the club goes to 6-2 and starts to dream of playoff positioning.

Week 9 - WIN against Washington. There's a stumble game somewhere in this mess, but I kind of expect Wentz to either have a Covid relapse, dramatic benching, team revolt or some other injury by now. It's important for him to not hear Philly Fan with years of pent-up things to say. Maybe going all in on an anti vax Jebus hick wasn't meant to be.

Week 10 - WIN at Indianapolis. Trying to get a sense of whether QB Matt Ryan is actually good or not is above my pay grade, but some of his worst work has been against my laundry. This gets them to 8-2 and a lot of Are They For Real talk.

Week 11 - LOSS against Green Bay. This isn't an imposible mission, and Green Bay has some of that "are they actually good or just taking advantage of a bad division" going for them as well... but the bounces never all go your way.

Week 12 - LOSS against Tennessee. One of the not so lovely things about the Eagles in the last two decades is that they really don't have a home field advantage any more. No one feels bad playing at that field, the way they felt bad at the Vet, and the pricing took the fans that cared way too much out of the arena. Expect The Sky Is Falling and They Are Frauds talk after this. It's what happens.

Week 13 - WIN in New York. Sky isn't falling, especially when two of the last five games of the year involve a Giants team that will be tanking for their next QB. 

Week 14 - WIN in Chicago. Another team that might be tanking. I also really don't think QB Justin Fields will be healthy by Week 14.

Week 15 - WIN in Dallas. A for the marbles / passing of the torch game. Dallas just doesn't have the back end roster management skills to overcome injury. But it'll be a sweat, if for no reason other than CB Darius Slay might not be a CB1 by then.

Week 16 - WIN against New Orleans. Dome team on New Year's Day on the road isn't a winning formula. Could be a trap game, honestly.

Week 16 - WIN against New York -- assuming it's not a rest the starters game. It might be. But I suspect the Giants will want the loss more.

Final record: 13-4, first in the NFC East, #1 or #2 seed in the NFC. Loses in the NFC Championship Game. Off-season is filled with debate as to whether QB Jalen Hurts because the QB that loses in the Championship Game always gets that vote, HC Nick Sirianni, RB Miles Sanders and CB Darius Slay all need to come back for another shot in 2023. 

C Jason Kelce, DE Brandon Graham and DT Fletcher Cox all play their final games in the laundry, either through retirement or injury. All Pros are Kelce on a lifetime retirement vote, TE Dallas Goedert, QB Hurts, and DT Jason Hargrave. Team trades Hurts and picks for an older QB in what is seen as a panic move to seize a window that probably isn't closing... setting the stage for not winning the division in 2023, despite the division looking like it's ready for relegation. It's almost as if we can't have nice things!

What I've Learned From Watching Televised Poker While Feverish

STARE AT IT YOU KNOW YOU MUST

So this weekend, I've been ill. Yes, it's likely Covid since plenty of people in my life have it this week, and while I keep testing negative, I don't really trust the results, especially since I've been symptomatic for, well, days now. So I've been trying to do work for the day job while leaving TV poker on in the background. Here's what I've learned!

Every Final Table Is Tough! It doesn't matter that you've never heard of the people on the screen before, or since. It doesn't matter that some of the plays stagger the imagination, or that people are talking themselves into absurd calls or folds because they are on Tee Vee. This final table is tough! It doesn't have any players who are just card racks, suckout artists, and people on 3-day heaters. They just don't exist at Very Tough Final Tables!

No one is paying attention to how these telecasts are cut! Play is interrupted randomly for promos, ads, and any other damn fool thing that some algorithm throws into the feed. Sometimes two or three times in a row, the exact same spot. This would matter if you really were emotionally invested in this sort of thing, and if you are, Please Seek Help.

Young People Don't Know The Time! Dear reader, do you routinely wear a wristwatch that isn't an instrument of technology, retails for the price of an economy automobile, and could serve in a pinch at a tapas restaurant? Yeah, you are so not the target market for people who used to run poker tournaments.  Honestly, I'm kind of amazed no one ever went all Flavor Flav with their winning timepiece and hung it around their neck. Either that, or pawnshops near casinos around the world are just dripping with ticking hubcaps. Gaudy, tasteless, ticking hubcaps.

Every Casino Runs A Great Tournament! It turns out that the venues that run these events -- and, um, do so under very clear and obvious rules, much of the time with the exact same software that you've seen in, well, every casino everywhere -- is just super-special to the players, and their very favorite place to play. It's almost as if they aren't telling the truth! Or, more charitably, on a 3-day heater of super-happy moments where they may be pulling in major bank. But no, it's the specific venue!

Misogyny -- You're Soaking In It! Ever wonder why women are only allowed on these telecasts if they are very attractive and holding a microphone up for some mouth-breather in a hoodie, while never daring to venture behind a desk to offer expert analysis? Or why wacky hijinks B-roll footage related to the area inevitably involves said woman giggling her way through an activity she's never done before? Why, it's almost as if poker is a male-dominated activity suffused in the poisonous misogyny that chokes and retards the majority of human existence. Almost!

Amazingly, You Can Play Poker Online! Yes, I know this will come as news to anyone who has been in a hyperbaric chamber for the last two decades, but this is VERY EXCITING and needs to be advertised every four minutes on average. Or perhaps I'm just hallucinating. Maybe both!

This Is A Universe Of Really Great Guys! It turns out that no one at a final table is devoid of personality, borderline psychopathic, lacking in social graces, deficient in humor, has poor body odor or any other human flaw. Again, it's almost as if people who are being interviewed are just reciting cliches or sticking to a script, but we know they aren't, because poker players never lie!

Watching Other People Play Poker Is A Party! Yes, I know, the crowd can't see the hole cards, which is kind of the whole point of the telecast, and poker tournaments are often hours of tedium punctuated by minutes of excitement. So unless you have direct action, this can present as an even bigger waste of time than watching the telecast -- but, um, nope! Everyone's having a fantastic time! They aren't overserved at all!

Many of these players are super creative! It's not as if they are all engaged in a constant escalation of math and psychology in near equal measure with a dollop of randomness and luck thrown in, all of which translates to moves that, if we digitized their faces during telecasts, would make for an amorphous blob of poker play. It's totally distinctive and unique and shows that some of these guys are some of the most original thinkers on the planet! Just ask them!

Large bricks of cash are in no way unseemly! People applaud these things as if they weren't coated in cocaine residue, the blood of senior citizens feeding slot machines, or the sad spectacle of people reacting to the dumping of paper on a table as if it were a cure for a dread disease. Lookit the money! The money is magic! I SAID LOOK AT IT! WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT IT?

Yes, I Know, You Don't Care: This Year's Fantasy Football Draft

  Player                 TM         2022 2023

QB1 Jameis Winston NO         24 28

QB2 Matthew Stafford LAR 10 13

RB1 Damien Harris NE         22 26

RB2         C. McCaffrey         CAR 71 76

WR1 Stefon Diggs         BUF 45 50

WR2 CeeDee Lamb DAL 40 45

FX         David Njoku CLE 1 4

TE         George Kittle         SF         26 31

DEF Bengals         CIN         1 4

PK         Jake Elliot PHI         2 5

B1         Miles Sanders         PHI         18 22

B2         Allen Robinson LAR 21 25

B3         Devante Parker NE         6 9

B4         Michael Carter NYJ         1 4

B5         Kenneth Gainwell PHL 6 9

B6         Jarvis Landry         NO         1 4

Bolded players were protected.

Notes: I didn't get stuck with anyone I didn't want -- always a danger in an auction draft. If you don't bid up others, there's too much money in the pot and the guys that you want are going to have too many suitors. Especially in a keeper league where many of the best and brightest players are already owned and undervalued... I had first position and nominated McCaffrey, and would have paid $10-$15 more than I got him for. I just think he's going to be healthy, used, and in an offense that's league average, which is all he's ever needed... Kittle for $26 was about what I had budgeted. I'm usually not a fan of top tier TEs, and his injury history is concerning, but I have a pet theory about young QBs overvaluing their TE because it's an easier throw to make. 

Sanders is a candidate for TD regression, and if he's not long for the team, it could be better for me if Gainwell gets the gig. Robinson has been overvalued in drafts, but not this one. Parker is cheap for a WR1, and if Winston has a big year in NO, Landry might be serviceable. No one likes Carter's offensive line or situation, but he's good and young and still the RB1; for a buck late, that's a pretty great gamble. Cincy as a defense is going to start a season of streaming.

All in all, I think I'm a top third team, health permitting. Which never permits. But you do what you can and try not to lose a draft on draft day; might not have this time. We'll see.

The Stars Lost And I Didn't Watch

I'm going to be bitter about this for seconds

Yesterday, the Philadelphia Stars lost a heartbreaking championship game to the Birmingham Stallions, 33-30. Reduced to relying on third-string QB KJ Costello after QB2 Case Cookus was carted off the field earlier in the game, the team took a fourth-quarter lead after a pick-6, then had the ball back with the lead after another pick with nine minutes left... but couldn't seal the deal. 

And you might think, given that the Stars were my team as a child, I'm from Philadelphia, I've written about joining fantasy leagues for the AAFL, XFL and now USFL, that I watched it.

Nope.

Part of this is circumstance; finances dictate that I spend an inordinate amount of time prospecting for the next client(s) to keep the family going, and I also do rideshare. But even when I had "free" time earlier this year, I wasn't watching a lot of the USFL. Here's why.

1) Peacock. Games are advertised as free, then not, then broadcast on a bug-tastic platform that does fun things like stop showing you the game in the fourth quarter because some numbnuts at Peacock HQ can't figure out that sports events might go beyond their predicted run time. Watching the USFL meant that some part of you had to be OK with this abomination getting your time and money, and, well, nope.

2) Football is blood sport. We always knew this, but we also used to pretend it wasn't, if only because the coaches were old players, really old guys who used to play the game existed and lived into their 70s and beyond, and we used to think head injuries were just like what happened to beloved cartoon characters. (He got his bell rung! Waka waka! Now he's overwhelmingly more likely to murder his loved ones later in life! Hope his team is inspired enough to make up for his loss that they come back and win, or at least cover the spread. I know what's important in life.)

3) The NFL isn't threatened by this. Hell, the NFL is borderline encouraging it, what with all of the ex camp bodies, coaches, broadcast personnel et al. Look at that smooched trophy above; it's basically the Lombardi for toddlers. Anyone watching spring football isn't watching the NBA or MLB, after all. And if the NFL isn't threatened, then there's no chance that what I'm watching will eventually matter as it's folded into a bigger league, or becomes the relegation area for Daniel Snyder in his holy quest to ruin the lives of DC Football fans forever. (You are doing the Lord's work, Daniel. Great will be your reward for your secret mission in Eagles Heaven.) 

Part of the fun of watching USFL1 was hearing NFL people either tell you that Jim Kelly and Reggie White weren't actually good, or grumbling about how the league could have possibly not gotten Jim Kelly and Reggie White.

4) I'm not 12. 12-year-olds are stupid. They do stupid things. I routinely rode my bike for miles just for the hell of seeing how fast I could go down hills, because I had a rich internal fantasy life of being Speed Racer on a bicycle. (Can I also make sure that Racer X, secretly but probably not so secretly my older brother, seems like a bad guy and loses? As noted previously, a rich internal fantasy life.) Rooting for a spring football team because they had cool uniforms, going to games and attending their championship victory parade (4 trucks! Dozens of people applauding! Hundreds of random pedestrians wondering what the hell is this!) is, well, stupid. Going full ham on USFL2 in my '50s in a non-ironic way would probably make my friends and family plan an intervention.

Also, this: when you are 12 and there is a new thing, it's *yours* in a way that Old Man Fan just can't possibly get. You don't know who all of these teams are? You think a team named after Gambling is stupid? You think Steve Young signing a 25-year contract with a team that plays in an empty mausoleum while looking like he works for FedEx isn't going to work out? Well, that just shows what you know, OLD MAN! I'm going to root twice as hard for the USFL now, and not just because the Eagles at the time were like watching a pet dog you didn't like die of kidney failure. SO THERE, OLD MAN! I'm going to go ride my bike in the woods alone, fast, and without a helmet, knee pads or a cell phone.

5) There was no villain to root against. You know what USFL Original (USFL Classic?) had going for it? The fact that the New Jersey Generals were a rent-a-team with big mercenary names (Doug Flutie! Herschel Walker! Who presumably hadn't fathered most of Georgia yet!) that were owned and operated by... Donald Trump.

Folks, there was no better occupation *ever* for ol' Dumb Dictator Donny than USFL team owner. It burned him alive that the NFL was too smart to allow him entry, since everything he's ever touched (including, alas, the Presidency, democracy, and the United States as a potentially functioning entity) has turned to fecal matter. It burned him even more that his slapdash team were the Generals to the Stars' Globetrotters, losing both times they met in the playoffs, and generally looking like second-rate wrestling heel jobbers. Rooting for the Stars to win meant you were also rooting for Donald Trump to lose, and if the last half dozen years of American life has taught us anything, it's taught us that so, so many people will pay time and money to watch Donald Trump lose. 

What team was I supposed to really want to lose in USFL2, Electric Boogaloo? These were all nice enough people just chasing a dream that's likely long past. Maybe Jeff Fisher because Jeff Fisher is a malignant toad, but his Michigan Panthers tanked the first pick and stunk anyway. Maybe the Generals for old times sake, or maybe the Stallions for having the ridiculous advantage of all of their games being played at home, and actually getting a home-field advantage that no other team had, because people in Alabama have nothing better to do in the spring then care about minor league football. Boo. Hiss. Yawn.

So, no, didn't watch the Stars much this year. Might in future years, but only if time and circumstances change. (And no, not even if there's a Trump involved to root against. I'm not, well, 12. Though I really should get back on the bike.)

Not Sports At All: My Dream Joe Biden Speech Right Now

 My fellow Americans, I'm coming to you today, because we are in a crisis. I promise to be brief.

The conservative members of the Supreme Court have lied to America. They testified in Congress that they would respect precedent. They have not. They swore an oath to serve the entire country, rather than their core constituents. They have not. Their actions bear all of the hallmarks of bad faith, and their actions are going to kill Americans. Not zygotes, not fetuses that may or not be viable later, but fully independent Americans who vote, pay taxes, and should not be forced by the state that they happen to live in to go through a pregnancy, and risk their lives at a factor of 20 times a safe and legal abortion, against their will.

Anyone who wants to believe that fertilized embryos are equivalent to children, and that women should be forced to give birth against their will, is willfully ignorant at best, and acting in bad faith at worst. The United States is one of the few countries in the world that is about to roll back reproductive rights in this century. 

After a lot of consideration, I have decided that it will not do so on my watch.

The Supreme Court is out of control. It has been taken over by a dangerous cabal of individuals who cloak policy decisions in an indefensible philosophy that ignores centuries of social progress if and when it suits their personal interests. 

As the head of a separate and equal branch of government, simply adhering to the rulings of a handful of suspect individuals with lifetime tenure is insanity.

I don't come to this judgment lightly. I have spent my life reaching across the aisle, bridging compromises, building relationships with people that don't agree with me very often. This is no longer tenable. Enabling people of bad faith is not the job of a competent Executive Branch. Just as Abraham Lincoln did not shrink from his beliefs when the Supreme Court attempted to make slavery a nation-wide tolerated practice in Dred Scott, I will act in accordance to not enabling forced pregnancy in Dobbs.

Towards that end, I am now directing my Administration and the Congress to do the following.

1) I am directing all members of the Executive Branch and Armed Services to the following point. Abortion services are now legal on every inch of federally owned land, no matter what state that land is in. Doctors and patients can contact my Administration to work out services across the United States. There will be a web site. Physical sites will be maintained and protected by active members of the United States military. Protestors at these sites will be subject to the discretionary security decisions of active members of the United States military.

2) I direct the Congress to immediately enact a Code of Conduct on the Supreme Court. This is the only Court in the land that does not have one. That's incorrect on its face.

3) I ask the Congress to immediately call for the impeachment of Clarence Thomas for complicity in the January 6th insurrection.

4) I ask for the Department of Justice to place Clarence and Ginni Thomas into custody pending criminal prosecution for their roles in the January 6th insurrection.

5) I cordially ask for all members of the current Court to tender their resignation, as the current institution has shown itself to be completely unsuited to the tasks at hand. As Justice Jackson is not a member of the current Court, she is the only Justice not subject to this request.

6) I ask the Congress to immediately call for the expansion of the Court to fifteen Justices, and for the term of each Justice to be limited to 12 years or less. So that all of the Justices are not up for renewal at once, they will be term-limited in groups of five for every four years. 

This is being done purposefully to limit the power of individual Justices, and to ensure that corruption from longer terms no longer impacts the Court. The new Justices will be named by an independent bipartisan committee, and the new Court will be unable to issue rulings for less than a 10-5 majority. 

To anyone who believes that the Constitution mandates that all of these changes are not permissible, I would request that you read the Constitution. You will find it has very little to say about how the Supreme Court should operate. That's because the Founders did not claim to have all of the answers, or that they thought public policy should freeze in place. That's a major reason why I'm calling for the resignation of all current Justices. They have shown through their actions to be acting in bad faith.

7) Similarly in terms of the current Court's desire to allow for concealed carry for handguns in areas that, tellingly, individual Justices do not have to live in, I am directing an immediate security detail to be in the presence of their homes and work areas at all times, with concealed carry for an undisclosed percentage of the detail. The days of ruling for others without being subject to those rules for yourself are at an end. If you don't like these rules, resign.

I realize that many will consider these changes to be dramatic or will classify them to be an over-reaction. Others will question my motives and claim they are being done for political gains only, given the current historic low in public confidence for the current Court. And to them, I say this.

This Court has squandered the public's trust. This Court has acted in bad faith. This Court has harmed America. This Court is an active threat and affront to American values. 

This Court will atone.

Finally, this. Some will see this as a power grab by a standing President, and a weakening of an equal branch of government. To which I would say again, read the Constitution. Judicial review is not a power granted to the Court. Nine Justices isn't dictated. Lifetime tenure in the 18th century is not equivalent to lifetime tenure now.

And if you think I'm doing this to ensure re-election in 2024, one final point.

I'm now formally announcing that I will not seek, nor accept, my party's nomination in 2024.

Good night, and God Bless America.

The Duh Privilege Moment

Barely Worth The Free Price

I cut cable years ago, and haven't missed it at all, really. When my teams are live, I up my Hulu account; when they are eliminated, I dial it back to basic. So my Hulu live sports access ended when the Sixers ended. It'll go back to full access when the Eagles' regular season starts. Until then, I'll pocket the money, which is not small and is very much needed.

Which leads to the following experience: listening to an audio-only feed of the NBA Finals game tonight, because paying for a game that would play in the background while I feverishly do other things for money... well, no. I'll watch the highlights later, pocket the $75 or so and/or avoid having to remember to turn off some dodgy not free trial, and rest easy in the knowledge that ESPN will get no money from me at all for a series that I'm sure is fine hoop and all, but dear God, I just don't have the time for it.

Now, compare this to, well, the sports experience for most of my adult life.

The game is on, cable is never cut, and even if you don't have cable, the game is on free broadcast television. Sports is ingrained in the culture and shared at every economic level, because it's a long play and poor people can eventually make money and buy tickets and jerseys and what not.

Now? Not so much. The game is available everywhere thanks to phones, but we're going to monetize and exclude. You might have more luck getting it for free in some other country, or through some malware provider.

It's hard not to be a curmudgeon about this sort of thing, rather than just see it as it is -- the NBA cashing in while it can, in a constantly fragmenting media market, and hoping that highlights and video games and other channels will solve for the mass market coverage that used to be easy.

Today? You are going to pay. Or, today at least, not.

Citizens Bank Phillies Radio Ad Meeting

Meeting Come To Order

Marketing Coordinator: OK, folks, we've got to come up with the radio spot for Citizens Bank for the 2022 Phillies radio season.

Media Buyer: What's the target market we're trying to reach here?

Account Lead: Dead-end rideshare drivers that we're trying to torture into insanity, hospice guests who need a shove, and people who are trapped under something heavy.

Media Buyer: OK, so the usual sports radio market. Should we make more than one of these?

(Entire creative group shudders)

Account Lead: Um, no, and I've got a TikTok feed I need to get back to which I'm classifying as research. Any ideas?

Creative Lead Who Has Never Watched Or Listened To A Baseball Game In Their Life: I'd just like to point out that I've never watched or listened to a baseball game in my life. 

Account Lead: As have we all. What's your point?

Creative Lead: Well, I did watch three minutes of "Moneyball" on a plane six months ago, and it seemed like people who watch baseball seems to like statistics.

(Entire group shudders)

Account Lead: This TikTok feed isn't going to watch itself. What's your point?

Creative Lead: Well, we could say that Citizens Bank aren't just fans -- they're fanatics. And as fanatics, they would care about things that hardcore baseball fans care about.

Media Buyer: You mean like who is the most effective pitchers and hitters? 

Creative Lead: No, like how many square feet of grass there is, and that Citizens is obsessed with things like sunflower seeds. Sunflower seeds are, I believe, required for proper baseballing.

Media Buyer: I'm going to go back to my laundry.

Account Lead: I like it, in that I stopped listening 14 seconds ago. You have enough for a 30-second script that we can play on heavy rotation and help cause people across the Delaware Valley to snap?

Creative Lead: Yes. We'll get a Sassy Black Woman to voice it so that we can pretend out industry is diverse.

Media Buyer: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

Account Lead: Good idea. Should we vet this for sanity against anyone who actually listens to baseball games?

(Entire group laughs)

Creative Lead: That's so funny!

Account Lead: Good work, everyone. See you in 12 months.

Media Buyer: Hey, before we break -- should we do a refresh of the Rothman Orthopedic spot?

Account Lead: What's the body count at?

Media Buyer (checks tracker): 8,027. 

Account Lead: Ping me back when we get to 10K.

Creative Lead: We're getting pretty darn good at sitting!

(Entire group laughs)

(camera pans back to see pooling blood, fades to black)

Not Sports: No Thoughts, No Prayers

Not sports; you've been warned. Written between massacres, because in America, there's always going to be another one. Dozens every day, actually.

> We are not, as a nation, better than this, so please stop saying we are. We have not been better than this for a long time, if ever. We were always OK with children who had the wrong skin color being terrified. We were always OK with children who did not have enough to eat going hungry. We were always OK with children whose parents were poor going to worse schools, living in more pollution, and having worse health. 

We have never, as a collective nation, all taken a vaccination or worn a mark or any number of things, really, for the team. We have always been more interested in what is right for us -- paying less on our taxes, getting someone else to serve in the military, getting to keep our toys, protecting the rights that matter to us as individuals, having the car or the boat or the plane that made us feel awesome, regardless of the needs of others or the rapidly heating planet. 

People who honor the social contract are suckers, and people who nag you to honor the social contract are scolds at best and grifters at worst who won't do it themselves. We're Americans. The country that does what we want, when we want, to whomever is unwilling or unable to stop us. Maniacs and cucks. No one is better than us, and we know what we are, so everyone's terrible. Go buy a gun.

> At the latest massacre, there were people at the school with guns. It didn't save the victims. It rarely, if ever, does. But we are, as a nation, people who like to think movies are real and villains lose and good people with guns kill bad people with guns all the time. Simple solutions. None of this is true, and more people die. Math and reality is a stubborn thing. 

> We should, as a matter of fact, go numb to this. Staying present to it makes us very, very cranky and might upset the maniacs and maniacs-to-be among us. If you are having a hard time recognizing the maniacs, don't worry, they make it easy for you. They'll show you their guns. 

> Do not make the people with guns mad. Do not go near people with guns. They have guns.

> Yes, our elected officials are base, venal and corrupt; they are of us. If elected, we would make the same choices, rather than lose the gig, the power, the money. Well, OK, not all of us. I'm a cuck who follows the social contract. So  I would never get the job, and wouldn't have it for very long.

> If you, personally, are of means and want to make America safer from the next gun spree, go buy a handgun or assault rifle off someone who already owns it. Purchase it in front of them, legally. Pay cash, face to face. Then, destroy the gun immediately, in front of them. I recommend a bucket and strong acid. Feel free to film it and see if it can go viral on social media.

Do this over and over and over again. Publicize the name and address of the person who sold you the gun in the first place. That way, the rest of the community can steer clear of them, as they are people who need to own the means to kill human beings easily. Maybe they will eventually take the hint and go move to the kind of place where people who care more about guns than people can all go live, for some ever-shrinking amount of time, together. It may be a bigger country than the country of people who don't want to live near people who are a bad hour away from murder. Let's find out.

> You are not, of course, going to do this. I am not going to do it either. I don't have the means or the courage -- as I am a poor cuck -- and would never confront someone who owns a gun. We have to presume they have the means and morality that would let them kill me, and I would like my death to not involve a gun. (Heroic amounts of hallucinogenic drugs mixed with medication that eliminates pain seems like much more fun.) I'm such a cuck.

> We should presume that if prayer does have an impact, that more or us are praying for the violent death of others than those that are not, or that the deity hearing such prayers has a very different agenda than what is generally presumed. So I am not offering thoughts and prayers for the victims and the families of the victims. Thought never had a place in this conversation, and prayers have a very long track record of being worse than useless.

> A short time after I finish this little bolt of sunshine, I will climb into my car and drive strangers around for money. Some of them may be secretly armed. I will also drive past any number of people who are carrying guns. (Cops, generally.) 

They could, if they so choose to, try to kill me. 

It is their country. It has been for a very long time. They aren't giving it up. They have guns. They want it more than me. I don't carry a gun.

So stay the hell away from them, as often as you can. Don't annoy them. Know that we live in the best of all possible countries.

Except for, you know, all the ones that don't have so many guns.