A Modest Proposal For ABC/ESPN's NBA Announcers

3 Little Asshats Are We

Tonight in Portland, the Blazers beat the Warriors in a pretty great game. Damian Lillard went off again, Al-Farouq Aminu couldn't miss, the entire Blazer roster seemed to get hot in most of the last three quarters, and the crowd was into it from the start. On the Warriors side, Draymond Green played out of his mind and made 8 3s, Klay Thompson had some good moments, Shawn Livingston had a dunk that should never happen from your point guard, and the road team ran into serious and immediate foul trouble for center Andrew Bogut. There was no end of ways to spin the game; that the Warriors were running out of margin from the absence of Stephen Curry, that head coach Steve Kerr was losing patience with F Harrison Barnes, that Thompson was either trying too much or getting worn down by having to guard Lillard, and so on, and so on.

It was an entertaining game, not a blowout. There was very little in the way of dead time, or intentional fouling, or long replay reviews. There was no issues with the court that required the announce team to cover dead time. What we had was, if not pharma grade hoop, at least, really good stuff. Involving a historically great team, on prime time, that draws big ratings, because people want to watch them. The win pulled the series to 2-1, with a lot on the line in Game 4.

Here, instead, is what the ABC/ESPN crew decided to talk about. And this is just a partial list. And I'm not making any of this up.

> What happened on this day a long time ago, because it impacted Mark Jackson personally, when a teammate did something good.

> The colleges that Portland's starting back court went to, because, um, they weren't very big schools, and people stay up nights wondering about such things.

> Whether this was the best back court ever to come from small colleges. (They aren't. This was also discussed.)

> The injury status of a player who was not playing in the game... WHILE THE ACTUAL GAME WAS GOING ON. Not during a timeout, during actual game.

> What their mothers thought about what the level of officiating oversight should be during a playoff game, as opposed to a regular season game. Again, during live game action.

> The name of the Portland arena, and how it should be about a team from 40 years ago.

> How good that team from 40 years ago was, and who was on that team. Again, of course, DURING ACTUAL GAME.

> Why Lillard is best understood for the character he plays on a series of commercials, where he is, no, seriously, a rapping baby.

> What Portland's roster would be like if Portland's roster was more like the team it was last year, and how that would be even better than this year's team, even though last year's team was worse.

> Whether or not we could go back in time to make Lillard an All-Star. Because there's no better purpose for time travel.

> Why the Blazer offense only really works when Lillard is on fire, even though they really only went into overdrive when the ball was shared, and everyone started making threes.

And, well, I'm sure there was more, but there's only so many times you can write down and dwell on the stuff that's just absolutely infuriating until you give up.

A basketball game telecast is up to 2.5 hours.

Actual game play is 48 minutes of live clock.

There are 2-3 days between games to discuss all of the Not Game that your diseased little hearts desire. Which should attract a whole wonderful audience of people who enjoy Not Game.

Me, personally? I'm here for Actual Game. I have zero -- no, sorry, less than zero -- interest in Not Game that is propagated by the ABC/ESPN crew, because they are utter and complete jackasses who keep stepping on my game with the baking soda that is their Not Game.

I wait all year for the NBA Playoffs, for pure, uncut Game. For Game that matters, for Game with consequences, for Game with art and stakes and memory and everyone all-in, because that is just the goddamned best.

So, I'm begging. I'm pleading.

Not to ABC/ESPN, but to any number of people in this great armed land of ours, who shoot people with guns for all sorts of reasons, but few of them as useful as this.

Someone, please, secretly take people near and dear to the ABC/ESPN announcers hostage, and threaten to do terrible things to them the next time they veer into Not Game.

Or, failing that, start a Kickstarter that attaches them all to powerful electrodes that hit them, like Milgram subjects, every time they need to go down the goddamned rabbit hole of Not Game during Game.

After you've managed to do this, please get in touch, and gladly accept all of the money I have.

Yes, I'm kidding, by which I mean I've never been more serious about anything in my life.

Thank you, God bless, and when you attach those electrodes?

Use your imagination.

Then, attach more.