The Falcons Want To Vibrate Your Butt

Shaken, Not Moved

You are looking live at a proposed feature to be added to the Falcons' fever dream of a new stadium, and as very, very silly as it looks... I bet it happens, if not now, then soon. Along with speakers in the seatbacks and a touch screen in front of you to order food, complete with a swipe bar for your credit card, just like in the airplane. Or any other place where people with money are stationary and prosperous.

Because, well, how else is the NFL going to get you to pony up for seats at the game? It's pricey, after all, and as soon as any new pleasure palace has this stuff (see the Jerruhsoleum with its Great Big Tee Vee), then everyone's got to have it. Just because it only gets used for a maximum amount of 12 days out of 365 days in the year (2 preseason, 8 regular season and 2 playoffs) means nothing, dammit. The biggest swells in the world sit there! How dare you keep them locked in a 20th century world of actually being part of a crowd, living in the moment, watching the game that's in front of you... when you could be staring at a screen in a very weak recreation of what you probably have at home?

I am a fortunate man: I have watched NFL games in seven different stadiums. (Vet and Linc in Philly, Oakland, St. Louis. Chicago, Cleveland and Green Bay. Most likely in 2013, I'll add Tampa to the list.) The nicest of these places was Green Bay, and it's so not close, I don't really have a second. And the reason why is... Green Bay has history. It has community. It has weight, and heft, and a presence.

And the seats are long bleachers, like you had in your high school, in all likelihood. If you really want to be ritzy about this, you bring or rent a pad.

It's a seat, people. It gets used for about 3 hours, during a time when you really should just be watching the damn game, assuming you aren't so plush that you get bored by being there. (And if you are bored to be there, for heaven's sake, why are you there? Seriously, find something better to do with your money. It's not cheap.)

The horse left the barn decades ago, but honestly... the game's better when you stop trying to give people reasons to stop watching the game. And let them, you know, watch the game. It's a pretty good game.