Top 12 reasons why Jason Varitek is retiring

12) Like everyone else involved in the 2011 Red Sox, just a big fat quitter

11) Got well and truly tired of correcting all of those people who thought he retired years ago

10) Could no longer justify drafting himself in his own fantasy league

9) Now that the Wakefield Terror is gone, there's just no more challenge to it

8) Sounds better than "no one will give him a job"

7) His body is turning 40, and his knees are turning 80

6) Catchers, even in the American League, have to throw to second base on occasion

5) With the Red Sox signing the immortal Kelly Shoppach, knew that there was no way he was going to beat out that competition

4) Knew that if he heard "Sweet Caroline" one more time, he was going to go postal

3) Was only active for the past two years to outlast Jorge Posada

2) Somehow didn't think he'd get the last 107 HRs he needs to get to 300 and Cooperstown

1) No beer in the clubhouse, no 'Tek in the dugout