Top 10 reasons why Tim Wakefield is retiring

10) No one takes him seriously when he says he wants to go back to playing first base

9) Many players that he broke in with are, well, dying of old age

8) Just not certain he can bring the mid-50s heat anymore

7) Satan has let him know that honestly, the jig is up

6) Aaron Boone threatening a comeback

5) Just can't bring himself to work without Tito Francona, Theo Epstein, and the bubbly effervescence that is J.D. Drew

4) Someone finally showed him what the Internet is, and that there have been mean people saying things about him there

3) Doesn't want to ever seem as silly as that rag arm Jamie Moyer

2) Knows that by the ever-dropping standards of wins and the ever-shrinking number of guys who didn't use steroids, 200 wins is enough to get him into Cooperstown eventually

1) Just really, really enjoys being, like everyone else on the 2011 Red Sox, a big fat quitter