Week 6 NFL: The All QB Edition of You Crap The Bed!

This week on a very special edition of You Crap, we're brought to you by Custom Fatheads, the best way to drop $90 to $140 in a way that shows the world that You Have No Shame. It's also a fantastic way to decorate someone's cubicle or office when they are on vacation. It's big, it's pointless, it's Custom Fathead!

Tonight, we're looking just at quarterbacks, those magical men who take too much credit for wins, and too much blame for losses. Remember, the goal of the game is to let you try to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Remember, all of these scenarios are taken from actual game time decisions. Now, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Baltimore QB Joe Flacco. You have the ball on the Vikings 12 yard line, down 14-0 in the second quarter, and you are on your only good drive of the half. With 12 seconds left in the first half, you have a first down and one timeout remaining. Do you:

a) Throw an out to security blanket WR Derrick Mason, where it's either six or an incomplete

b) Throw middle in the end zone to TE Todd Heap, who ripped off a big gain earlier in the drive

c) Try a shovel pass or some other gimmick play to waterbug RB Ray Rice

d) Throw in the end zone to taller secondary WR Mark Clayton in the hope that the Vikings are playing on Mason so much that he'll be open, or

e) Throw it to Rice on a checkdown play, because he's sure to make six guys miss and get out of bounds or in the end zone

If you chose (e), preferably while ignoring the fact that a touchdown just before the half matters a hell of a lot more than a meh field goal... you crap the bed! And you've won the margin of your eventual lose when your field goal kicker blows the game in the last minute, along with another week of middle-aged men and NFL commentators abusing themselves with Favrian self-love. (You can, of course, also blame Rice for not just knocking the damn thing down as it came to him, but that's a lot to ask of a RB in coverage.) Congratulations!

2) You are Carolina QB Jake Delhomme. It's 21-14 Panthers, on the road in Tampa Bay against the Bucs. Your defense has only given up one of those touchdowns, as the other score came on a kickoff return. With 8:43 left in the fourth quarter and facing a third and seven from your own 21, you are 8 of 15 for 61 yards with a touchdown and pick.

Please remember, you are Jake Delhomme -- a quarterback that has become synonymous with gut-bursting failure. You are also not having a good day.

So on third and seven, you choose to:

a) Hand the ball of to RB DeAngelo Williams, who will finish the game with over 150 yards, and unlike you, Does Not Suck

b) Hand the ball off to RB Jonathan Stewart, who will finish the game with well over 110 yards, and unlike you, Does Not Suck

c) Honestly, for the love of God, just hand the ball off, I'm begging you, Brad Hoover would also be fine, your offense is going to run the ball for over 250 freaking yards, it's the fourth quarter with a defense that's played well, you would be out of your goddamn mind to do anything but run it

d) Um, I suppose I have to list some sort of throwing option here, so perhaps one of those safe bubble screens to Steve Smith, but really, it's OK to just take a knee rather than throw it, because, please remember, you are Jake Delhomme... or

e) Throw a middle screen to Moose Muhammad, because throwing in the middle of the field when you are Jake Delhomme is always just super duper safe

If you choose (e), leading to a game-tying TAInt and the outright laughter of millions of bitter Panther fans and gamblers... You Crap The Bed!

Luckily, the rest of the team is just used to this sort of thing by now, and will carry your ass on the subsequent drive, in which they will drive it for 16 plays and 80 yards, with 15 and 76 of it coming on running plays. (Honestly, if the Panthers had any kind of quarterback, they'd be damned deadly dangerous.)

3) You are embattled Washington Redskins QB Jason Campbell. Facing the winless Chiefs at home, you are trailing 3-0 with a 2nd and 6 from Chiefs 40, with one timeout left and 24 seconds left in the first half. Do you:

a) Go deep to Santana Moss, who is your best offensive player in 2009, and plays the position that has destroyed the Chiefs in all of their losses

b) Go middle to Chris Cooley, because the Chiefs are also miserable against tight ends and you need to set up the tying field goal

c) Try a screen to Clinton Portis, because what the hell, he was good once, he might have a flashback play

d) Give a play to Ladell Betts, who has to be fresh as a daisy, since the Redskins don't use him for more than five plays a game, for fear of showing up Portis by being able to run faster than an old man for a bus, or

e) Scramble and stay in bounds, because you're got the skills to make a half dozen defensive players miss for at least the 15 to 20 yards that will set up your game-tying field goal

If you choose (e), which of course ends with a tackle far short of where you need to go, forcing a timeout well outside of field goal range, which sets up a Hail Mary pick that doesn't even make the end zone, causing the stadium to light up in boos and catcalls and inspiring your desperate and doomed coach to go to backup Todd Collins in the second half in what will wind up being a disastrous loss and the possible end of your career... You Crap The Bed!

And you've won the possible end of your career as a starting quarterback in the NFL, or at least in Washington, which I suppose still counts as being in the NFL. Kudos!

Well, that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination, and poise -- or the right visual inspiration from a massively expensive Custom Fathead poster of a giant turd -- you too can... Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!