The Mannings Are Fast, Sloppy, and Expensive

Warning: this post has things that once seen and known, may not be unseen or unknown. If you catch my drift.

I can't embed the video from this link, and some part of me thinks that you should not go here unless I'm getting cash (warning: sound) so I'll wait here while you click on it, then come back.

(checks watch, shifts weight from foot to foot, gets caught up in Crackberry)

Oh, you're back. Now, I'm not a Manning Hater, and it's hard to really crack on guys for cashing an easy paycheck. They're athletes, not artists, so expecting them to do anything but whore themselves out is naive at best, and having a sense of humor about themselves is to be encouraged and all... but, um, Boys?

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- you'd be better off not showing yourselves lapping up creamy white substances with the rabbit-like enthusiasm of your average 14-year-old "professional" in Thailand, to the point where they get all over your face, for money, on television.

Or, at least, if you're going to go that way, maybe not appearing in special clothes to do it. Have some sense of decorum. From what I've read, this kind of thing is usually more of a circle/campfire/airport restroom kind of thing. (Seriously, is there a product or service these people won't endorse? NAMBLA, maybe?)

The Pros and Cons of Each Team Winning The Super Bowl

New York

Pros: The victory parade would have the entertaining sidelight of watching Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey tarred, feathered, and dropped off at Penn Station with an off-peak Amtrak ticket to anywhere. If they win, the Coughlin and Eli Show would have to keep running for at least five more years, most of which probably won't go this well, and I really do enjoy watching Coughlin scream and whine, and Eli look sad.

Cons: More Manning Brother commercials, a Bettis-style wanking sendoff for gap-toothed asterisked sack record holder Michael Strahan, an unconscionable amount of "No one believed in us" posturing... yikes. Lets just move on.

Seattle

Pros: Their fans would finally let go of the conspiracy theories surrounding the Steelers win. There's a very real possibility of Mike Holmgren retiring to have more time with his family on the ice flow. Shawn Alexander gets to go out to stud, rather than a glue factory. Matt Hasselbeck deserves a little love for owning the "We want the ball and we're going to score" comment. Since the US enjoys ignoring Seattle, there will be no post-game coverage or dynasty hype. You think that Ravens Super Bowl win got forgotten fast? You ain't seen nothing at all!

Cons: For a host of sins against humanity and good taste, good things should not happen to Paul Allen for the rest of this lifetime, or the next dozen. Hasselbeck's wife makes Eva Longoria look demure and non-annoying. If they win, they'll have done so by suddenly discovering a spine on the road, after four months of suckering people into terrible bets. Bastards!

Green Bay

Pros: If this doesn't get Brett to retire, nothing will, and we can stop asking him when he's pulling the chute. Packer Fan's diet means that they don't have long before the next heart attack, so maybe this is their last chance. The team is mostly too young to have developed egos, personas, endorsements and irritation, and could help to end the annoying cliche of Teams Need To Have Playoff Experience Or They Will Eat Paste, Soil Themselves, And Lose.

Cons: The slobbering sound you constantly hear around Favre's jewels from media types will become absolutely deafening. Seriously, you may see sideline reporters just drop to their knees in the waning moments of the game. Like many obese drunks, Packer Fan is a lot more fun to be around when he loses. When he wins, he's sloppy and all over the place, and the women are showing you things you can't un-see.

Dallas

Pros: Julius Jones will sucker some team into a terrible free agent contract, under the little-known Dominic Rhodes Rule. The organization will be razed for personnel and coaching talent. Maybe TO's heart and brain grow three sizes, and he becomes an actual human being that day.

Cons: Where to begin? Even more commercials with Jones and Romo. A media whitewashing of the Owens Legacy that would make Mumia Abu-Jamal proud. Posthumous slobbering on Bill Parcells' knob. A great deal of out-and-out lying about Wade Philips' competence. The sudden and terrible resurrection of Cowboy Bandwagon Fan, the kudzu of NFL fans. And there will be more where that came from, but honestly, it will be Planet Owens for months.

Jacksonville

Pros: Since the Jaguars have no actual fans, as opposed to just disgruntled fantasy league gamblers and pre-literate rednecks on loan from college football, having them win is relatively painless. Fred Taylor gets known for more than his groin, or hating on Heinz Field.

Cons: It sets a bad precedent for the league when coaches with special needs win the championship. Also, would make far too many traditional Run the Ball honks far too happy, and make teams think that the road to success lies with cover-your-eyes game manager QB types.

San Diego

Pros: Gives back something to a team and community Touched By Tragedy, and shows that sports can transcend even the most awful wastes of life and property. (We are speaking, of course, about the hiring of Norv Turner.)

Cons: See Jacksonville comment. Also, a Super Bowl ring could make QB Phillip achieve new and spectacular heights of doucehbaggery. Think Rex Grossman... if he went to Duke.

Indianapolis

Pros: Like Jacksonville, you are unlikely to actually meet a Colts fan, so the psychic damage is minimal. May cause Patriots Fan's head to explode.

Cons: Back to back Colts championships may cause entire networks to switch to All-Manning Programming. Plus, this would further empower the all-encompassing ego, posturing and preening of prima donna WR Marvin Harrison.

New England

Pros: Would make Gregg Easterbrook shrivel and melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, only with slightly less testosterone. Combined with a Red Sox and Celtics championship, could speed up secession efforts by the rest of the United States. After its over, we can all enjoy the perp walk spectacle of the '73 Dolphins being rounded up into camps.

Cons: If you thought the '72 Dolphins were obnoxious, you haven't seen anything yet. You will be living with this team -- and more importantly, this fan -- for the rest of your life. Think about that; are you really ready to spend every football conversation until they put you in the ground waiting for Patriot Fan to talk about the Oh Seven Perfect Team? As the movie says, There Will Be Blood. Most likely, yours. (There are, of course, dozens of other Con reasons here, but brevity and a survival instinct intrudes.)

These Quasi-Sports Related Points Make Us Feel Sad

1) Testy, feed your dog!

The best part about this is that people in a gated community with $1.5 million houses have Ron Artest as a neighbor.

FTT will now pause for a moment of not so silent contemplation, which will manifest itself as a bellyfull of deep, dark, laughter at the misfortunes of the rich.

Not since Spree's Fellow Yachtsmen have property values taken such a hit...

http://nmsn.foxsports.com/nba/story/6452756?MSNHPHCP&GT1=9131

2) Peyton Manning is the SB MVP?

Um... well, he *was* the best QB in the game, that's for sure. After all, he did throw for all those touchdowns. Wait, um, none? Wow. And a bad pick at the start of the game, too. Well, it's not like a RB dominated the game (Rhodes: 113 yards rushing and a TD, Addai: 77 rushing, 66 recieving). Or that the O-Line could actually get a little love for once: Jeff Saturday was huge. Or go for Bob Sanders, who made a back-breaking interception and made a historically bad run defense good by coming back...

Anyway, no, good for the Meat Cutter. As True Prophet Stephen Colbert has said, maybe he can now get some endorsements.

3) Prince's Devil Dick

It astounds FTT that this is actually a story. Here's a small historical note: Jimi Hendrix played his guitar like it was his dick. FORTY FREAKING YEARS AGO. Then he'd light it on fire. Prince even played a little Hendrix during his set with "All Along The Watchtower."

We get, on some pathetic level, the uproar over NippleGate (what will we tell the children?). But when 40-year-old rock schtick is a story... holy moley. We're about six months from going all Unabomber about the media.

4) John Amaechi: Because Being An Active Gay Athlete is Impossible

FTT has a long-standing grudge towards Penn State, and is resisting many, many jokes. Or, well, maybe not. Happy Valley! (It's OK, John. Maybe you can go hang out with Ted Haggard.)

5) This is ouurrrr... failed presidential run

Only slightly related to sports, but Sen. John Edwards, according to the only true news show on television (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart), is using John Mellencamp's "This Is Our Country" for his campaign theme.

FTT tries to avoid mixing politics with sports -- you got your douchebag in my peanut butter! hey, you got your peanut butter in my douchebag! -- and we may or may not agree with Senator Edwards on many things.

But he can just go to hell right now, on general principles.

6) Pro Bowl Fever -- Catch It!

Will Tony Romo lead the NFC to victory? Can Tom Brady become the new Peyton Manning and roll up big numbers? Can someone get the career-ending injury that guts keeper fantasy league owners, leading to the eventual cancellation of the game? And why can't the winning conference get the home game for the SB next year, so that this time, the Pro Bowl counts?

(Oh, because that would be unspeakably stupid? Right. Sorry we mentioned it.)

The Sports Priest

(Ed. Note: FTT apologizes for not being able to find the image of the priest in "Caddyshack" getting struck by lightning. By way of apology, enjoy the Judge in mid-meltdown. Boy, no one did meltdown better than Ted Knight.)

Is your devotion as a sports fan bothering you? Many fans find themselves lost in a world of moral relativism, fantasy allegiances and declining devotion. If your soul is thirsting for redemption, talk to FTT's resident Sports Priest.

Dear SP,

I'm a lifelong Peyton Manning hater who wound up stuck with him in my fantasy draft. Now he's led me to a championship and gotten to the Super Bowl. I don't want to root for this overexposed oaf, but after putting money in my pocket, I just can't get as annoyed by the stupid pre-snap nonsense and constant ads. Help me find my hate!

Malaised in Maryland

Dear Malaised,

My child, you have allowed your Sacred Hate to be bought off with 30 pieces of silver, and sold that which was most dear to you -- your ire -- for a pittance. Congratulations. Most of us never can move that merchandise, no matter how many times we mark it down.

Look into your heart and determine why, exactly, you hate the Meat Cutter. Are the reasons pure -- did he beat your team, fail to beat the team you hate the most, or make you hate him through some other, meaningful reason? Or is your hate just the result of reading some writer or media figure, or a backlash against some other writer?

If your hate is pure, it will come back to you, and you will be richer for it. If it is not, you are better for losing it.

Dear SFC,

As a credentialed media member, I'm supposed to be covering the Super Bowl. Instead, I find myself whoring myself out to radio shows, following NBA players like a groupie, raving about Miami like a frat boy on Spring Break, and writing thousands of words about getting wood from a washed-up tennis skank. Scores of bloggers have pointed this out, but I just can't stop, and I'm worried that I'm becoming a parody of myself. How do I stop?

Bilious in South Beach

Der Bilious,

Any writer that forgets their audience, or becomes contemptuous of them, is someone who has entered into a spiral of destruction. Blame should also go to your editor and publisher, who have enabled this behavior. Consider a sabbatical.

Dear SFC,

As a Bears fan, I'm sickened by the media's coverage of my team, and our underdog status. And yet, I find myself strangely thankful for it as well, since it will mean a greater emotional payoff for me when the Bears win. Is this dishonest?

Illinois Truth

Dear Truth,

You're drinking from the cup of artificial antagonism -- the idea that just because someone has a different opinion than yours, they must be wrong, stupid, and punished. If you are right about the Bears, they will feel all of this without you pointing it out.

Of course, pointing it out is entirely the point of Sports Fandom, so indulge with a clear conscience.

Dear SFC,

I'm a political progressive who likes the Colts in the SB, but doesn't want to due to the following three factors. (1) Condi Rice has predicted a Colts win, and being on the same side as her in any issue makes me very nervous. (2) Tony Dungy has plans to speak to an anti-gay group, which makes him about as likable to me as Rush Limbaugh. (3) Indiana is a red state, while Chicago and Illinois is as blue as you can get in the Midwest. Is my Colts fandom morally justifiable?

Wavering in Washington

Dear Wavering,

Mixing politics with sports is strictly non-kosher in the Sports Confessional. The game is played between the lines, and unless these factors can be found to have an impact there, they are nothing but noise. (Although, a nice consolation should the Bears pull off the upset.)

Peace be with you!

More Spasmodic Dance, Please

It takes a lot to be a Respected NFL Leader.

Sometimes it takes making a routine tackle look like skydiving, and sometimes it takes being an accessory to murder... allegedly.

But Brian Dawkins and Ray Lewis have one thing in common that cements their leadership status -- they've got their pre-game entrance down so well, it makes national television broadcasts.

What about the other teams, still alive in the playoffs, that do not? FTT, as always, is here to help.

1) Peyton Manning Is Lord of the Dance

Showing their stunning cohesion and choreographic courage, Manning leads his offensive teammates on to the field en masse, high-stepping all the way to a martial beat. Moving his dancing blockers in a way that leads many color analysts to point out that if Peyton hadn't been in football, no one would ever heard of Bob Fosse, Peyton sets the tone for this week's slap fight with Brady and the Patriots. Loser buys the tights!

2) Borging With Belichick

As any Pats will tell you, usually at a volume level that's 20 to 30 points past screaming, The Pats are not so much a football team as they are a single-minded 45-man weapon for the greatest genius of this or any other age, Bill Belichick, to wield to his will. As the Pats take the field, make sure to look at what they're doing from the blimp's eye view, where the overhead pattern is revealed to be a perfect use of feng shui, chi, and EST. Within ten minutes, you'll have joined the cult and become a potent apologist for their cause!

3) Rexy's Razzle Dazzle

In a final and ultimately successful attempt to send Bear fans straight into an insane asylum, Bears QB Rex Grossman is a one-man Broadway show in this homage to the musical "Chicago." Pay special attention to the awkward half-participation of wideouts Berrian and Muhammad, who have to sing back-up, or fear Rex freezing them out in the game for Desmond "Big Mama" Clark.

4) Reggie Bush Leads The Saints' Jazz Funeral

Shrugging aside concerns that he's starting things off on the wrong note, The Savior of New Orleans leads the team into battle with a full brass band playing "Just A Closer Walk With Thee." After bringing the Saints back from the dead, ruining the season for countless over-reaching fantasy sports nerds, and making Hurricane Katrina a distant memory (well, um, no)... is there anything Reggie can't do? Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez!

Colts-Ravens thoughts

1) I'm pretty neutral on Peyton Manning; he made me money in my roto league this year, but I've never really cared one way or the other if he wins or not.

But it's pretty clear that he gets an incredible free pass from the mainstream media. The first half should have ended 16-3 Colts, and the reason it didn't is that Manning couldn't hit the startlingly open Moorhead near the end of the second half. The picks were horrible decisions. And yet, no one says it out loud. Is he just that nice of a guy in the pre-game meetings?

2) I'm trying really hard to not be the blogger that rags on the ads, and the amount of ads -- it's tired. But man, playoff football is corptastic. This has been another edition of Obvious Complaints.

3) What, exactly, about the team name "Ravens" makes you want to come to the game wearing a pimp suit? And why does CBS insist on showing me this guy over and over again?

I'm convinced, on some level, that McNair and Co. saw this guy in the stands and lost all motivation to play well. Next time, Ravens management, fly in some of the GWAR/Mummer wannabees from the Black Hole in Oakland to show them how it's done. They'll be available.

4) Sure sign you're getting freaking old: you're remotely interested in the halftime act. I saw Prince in 1999 at a small venue, and it was the best live show ever -- he's amazing. Suspect he'll be a lot less so now and on that stage, though.

5) A lot of goats for this Ravens team. Billick for the second quarter kneel down, McNair for the picks, D-line for not getting the Colts off the field in the fourth. Pimpin' ain't easy.

As for the actual game... if you had Colts Win Due To Dom Rhodes' Ground Game, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Rhodes. Why couldn't you have been more useful to my roto team this year?