It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

Today, my family celebrated my upcoming birthday (it's Tuesday, and I turn neatly older than every professional athlete, thanks for asking).

Because the Shooter Wife and Mom are cooler than your Wife and Mom, I'm getting the new PS3 and Grand Theft Auto 4, which means that the site will more or less cease operations in another ten days, as I get my thug on. (I keed. But seriously, guest authors welcome.)

Meanwhile in my fantasy league, my previously resurgent team started June with...

1) David Ortiz getting an MRI

2) Nick Blackburn taking a shot off the face from Bobby Abreu (both of them on my team), knocking him out a game where he was up 3-1 and 2 outs from locking down a win

3) BJ Ryan, JJ Putz and Trevor Hoffman all having save opportunities... and all getting the snot beaten out of them

4) Falling from second to third and losing three points in ratios (hard to do in a roto league with nearly 500 innings in the books)

It's a long season. And tonight, that's not really a comfort.

Meanwhile, In The Shooter Mom's League

Some of you might possibly remember, though probably not care, about the Shooter Mom's first ever fantasy league. Unlike my main league, we have happy news to report: she's 10-3, in first, with a bye. No other team was better than 7-6. She's also become abhorrent to the Shooter Sister for rooting against Donovan McNabb when we went against him in the Dolphin week. When it comes to money, you don't want to be against the Shooter Mom. Bad things happen. (We've got a good team that's been lucky, and we've made a lot of good week to week moves to keep the roster productive. Anyway, back to the point.)

With the bye wrapped up and a little time on my hands, I offered up some suggestions for the league's considerations on the message board. Not dictates, not demands, not even all that rude. (Yeah, it was hard. But these are people my mom works with, after all.) They were:

1) Moving to Yahoo (having played both there and CBS Sportsline, there's a ton of reasons to ditch the latter)

2) Extending add/drops beyond late October (seriously, my roster is frozen with Fat And Injured And The Root Of All Evil Ced Benson, who I'd pay to drop, even if it means not adding anyone back)

3) Having a TE, rather than just the ability to play a TE in the flex position

4) Going to fractional scoring

5) Not penalizing for missed field goals (seriously, you're down 3 if a guy somehow fails from 65)

6) Having sacks not count as much as fumbles and picks, and

7) Cutting the roster sizes down (currently we start 8 and bench 12)

The very charming public response from the Commish included this (unchanged with one exception, emphasis mine) pearl.

"Some of the rules changes you proposed are NOT going to happen we have been doing this league for 8 years and no way will I let a first year team owner have a little influence of how the league is run. You can feel free to join Yahoo if you wish. I talked to (old owners whose names have been withheld) about some of the rule changes. It is up to youy, If you are invited back next season you need to follow along the program. Thanks."

Now, I am, as many FTT readers know, a Sensitive Soul... but did anyone else feel a sudden chill in the room? I must have bad windows or something. Because I'd hate to think that Commish is a little bent that their plan to take an older woman and fantasy newbie's money (and we're not talking chump change) doesn't seem to be working out. Because I'm not sure why you'd need to go for the public smackdown, and the Council Of Elders Will Decide Only Play...

But I shan't say anything more, for fear of Not Being Invited Back. Plus, of course, my need to Follow Along The Program.

After all, the Shooter Mom and I know very little compared to The Elders, as witness by our 10-3 record despite owning only one player in the top 20 (yay, Matt Hasselbeck! And thank you, Rex Grossman, for getting hurt, so that Sole Possible Backup Brian Griese could actually be useful).

Playoffs for us start next week. Wish us luck, won't you? For Mom's sake.

Actual Fantasy Football News You Can Use

Now that my two leagues have drafted, I can reveal the top five sleepers from my draft prep. (No guarantees, of course, that they won't actually suck.)

1) Patrick Crayton, WR, Dallas. Terribly good player, backing up two post-30 prima donna WRs in Glenn and Owens. Even if they both stay in their shoes, there probably are enough footballs to go around, especially given TO's case of the whoopsies last year. I'm also not a huge believer in Jason Witten; I think Crayton vultures some of his red zone touches.

Last and not least -- Crayton's in a contract year, and Dallas has to be wondering how long until the Owens Bomb goes off. Add it all up, and you've got a guy who is definitely ownable, and could do a lot more.

2) Ahman Green, RB, Houston. Matt Schaub's burst of competence in the pre-season comes from two things -- the ability to get a ball off quickly, and a dramatically improved offensive line. They still aren't good, but they aren't Oakland-esque either -- and the thing about Green is that he's always been dead useful on screens.

Green is seen as washed up and on a terrible team; he's probably neither, and I wouldn't be shocked to see him get 1200 yards and a half dozen TDs. For a flex play or third back, you can and will do a lot worse. The fact that Brandon Jacobs is probably going to provide very similar numbers 2-3 rounds earlier (especially with Giants fans in your league) is an advantage.

3) Philip Rivers, QB, San Diego. Norv Turner wouldn't thrill me if I were a Charger fan, but if I owned Rivers, I'd be pretty pumped. Last year, in on the job training, Rivers was more than ownable. This year, he's got better weapons (especially at WR, where McCardell is no longer taking up space), more experience, and no compulsion to feed LDT to break a single-season TD record. Finally, there's this -- the AFC West could be really bad this year. KC's old, Denver lost Darrent Williams to tragedy in the off-season, and while Oakland will be better, they are still far from good. After the top QBs are gone, target Rivers.

4) Cadillac Williams, RB, Tampa Bay. Yes, he killed teams last year, but that was without any kind of competent QB play. He's not the best bet on the board, but I'm betting he gives you the same or better numbers than Reggie Brown, who is going a round or two earlier. Besides, it's not as if Jon Gruden is really going to go for the 800th revival of Michael Pittman, is he?

5) Joe Horn, WR, Atlanta. People are under the impression that He Who Must Be Condemned was actually a good QB. He wasn't. He only had eyes for Alge Crumpler, could easily give you a 100 yard passing day, and was only really valuable for his legs. The Falcons will be behind a lot this year, and if there's one thing that Joey Harrington can do, it's pile up cheap points in a dome in a blowout. Horn's good at that, too. Go look at the old Aaron Brooks footage; this will look similar. Which means Horn should be on your roster, especially if you can get him as WR3 or WR4.

As a final note of inspiration, this. If you are old like me, this sucked, and yet you played it anyway, dammit, BECAUSE IT WAS FOOTBALL. Enjoy!

Top 11 Justifications For Starting Your Fantasy Football Draft Preparations

11. Your man-crush for Vince Young can not be contained

10. Aw, c'mon... everyone else is doing it... it's not fair...

9. You've already got last year's list open -- so how much more time will it take to update it, really?

8. Just can't get enough Microsoft Excel in your life

7. Your Dungeons and Dragons session is off this week (the Dungeon Master is preparing for Pennsic)

6. Determining the proper place to slot Brady Quinn could take weeks

5. You've found yourself watching Arena Football, and want to do something more productive

4. Your free Yahoo league's only available live draft is in late June

3. You want to make sure you've got Larry Johnson on your team before the catastrophic knee injury

2. You are a baseball fan in Chicago

1. You Have No Life

(Bonus: Top justification for writing this post... attracting Google searchers who are doing draft research. Welcome, suckers! See you next time, when you are searching for titty!)