Epic Drop: Top 12 reasons the Arena Football League won't play in 2009

I'm certain that to some portion of the audience, The Day The Indoor War Died will be right up there with the Lennon assassination, the Challenger tragedy, 9/11 and that time when you found a five dollar bill on the street in terms of Memorable Days of Your Life.

Or, well, not.

Less football is generally not a good thing, but what the hell, maybe this will finally lead to the quality spring league, using real rules, that the market demands. Watching CFL rejects bounce off arena walls and netting... didn't really do it for me. Sorry.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Unfortunate NFL Endings

Today's link is a nice piece of research that owes a firm debt to site contributor Original Mookie, who has a particularly good memory for the personnel mistakes of the Miami Dolphins. Without him, this wouldn't have been nearly as good. Go click and thank him in the comments.

Slippery When Meaningless

From today's AP re-post on the Lemur... a list of minor sports champions since the 1983 Sixers team, under the idea that the past 25 years, under the idea that indoor soccer, Arena Football, lacrosse, minor league hockey and world team tennis somehow compensate.

Um, Lemur? Screw you. If I'm going to read about the Philadelphia Soul winning the ArenaBowl today, I know I'm slumming, and I don't really need to have my nose rubbed into it with freaking team tennis.

Anyway, Jon Bob Jovi and Ron Jaworski are your winners tonight, because no one knows anyone on the Soul, or ever will. Now, if they get a parade and tens of thousands of people show up? Then, the Lemur can rub our noses in it, and we'll deserve it. (Even more than our Wing Bowl fetish. Gah.)

Wipeout

In the final installment of an update that you could not possibly care about, the Shooter Mom's team went down to defeat tonight behind a relentless onslaught of injuries (Parker, Colston) and our opponent putting up one of his best weeks of the year, despite having what seemed like bad matchups.

I knew we were in trouble when Willie Parker busted his leg, but there was a point in the third quarter of the late games where we were up 10 points... but that's when Matt Hasselbeck (our QB) stopped throwing touchdowns and Josh Brown (the opponent's kicker) started making figgies. Then the inconvenient Frank Gore, who suffered mightily is his bad matchup against the Buccaneers to the tune of 132 yards and a touchdown, took it the house. Despite the heroic efforts of the Titans defense, that was the ballgame, and Clinton Portis in the SNF game just piled it on.

Only a bitter, bitter man would point out that if we had gotten Najeh Davenport's production, and had Colston get, say, 100 of the 289 yards that Drew Brees threw for... we'd have won. But if my aunt had testes, she'd be my uncle, and this also assumes that Parker would have actually scored touchdowns, which as we all know, he wasn't allowed to do this year. GAH.

In other news, the picks also stunk today, and the Eagles winning just means that their draft pick will be worse next year, and it's raining and I have to work despite being off. Waah, waah, waah!

We end up the year up $250, which will buy an awful lot of malt liquor. But damn, that's a lotta scratch to be leaving on the table... (waah! waah! waah!)

The Update That You Could Not Possibly Care About... Stays All-In

In the further adventures of the Shooter Mom's first fantasy football season, this just in from League Elder Commish, our opponent in the championship round... he offered to split the pot, rather than go with the 80-20 split that it is right now.

The Shooter Mom, who you have to realize by now is much, much cooler than yours, turned him down. I could not be more proud, really...

The Update That You Could Not Possibly Care About

In the Shooter Mom's league, we held on for a tight win in a low-scoring affair in today's Final Four battle.

How close was it? Close enough that the overtime miss of Matt Stover was the difference (our opponent had him, and it's an idiot league that penalizes hard for missed field goals). If we had lost, I'd have been cursing Chad Johnson and his lack of clutch fingers (that end zone drop in the fourth quarter cost us at least 10 points), and my own faith in the Bengals defense to come up with any kind of presence against those terrible, but obviously not terrible enough, Niners. I'd also like to thank the Giants, and specifically Plexico Burress, for coming up small in the SNF game. For the first time in my life as a football fan, Plex gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Next week, we play the #2 seed and league commissioner, who has his Elder Knowledge working for him... but we've got Willie Parker on a fast track against a bad Rams team, Matt Hasselbeck at home against the DOA Ravens, Marion Barber and an angry Cowboys team against the Panthers, Chad Johnson at home against the Browns, Marques Colston to cuckold his Drew Brees against the Eagles, and the Titans defense at home against the very friendly Jets.

Is this where I reveal that a big part of my draft prep was to be cocky enough to pick for strong Week 16 matchups? Nah... you'd have to have an Elder Mind for such chicanery. Let's just say that we like our chances, and hope we have your support. (And our fellow owners money.)

How seriously are we taking this? Actual conversation from earlier tonight...

Me: "After this year, with me taking you to Lambeau and helping you get to the championship, I don't want to be hearing any more about that whole pain of childbirth thing."

The Shooter Mom: "Absolutely. We're square."

Someday, she'll have her own blog. Or sports-talk radio show.

Meanwhile, In The Shooter Mom's League

Some of you might possibly remember, though probably not care, about the Shooter Mom's first ever fantasy league. Unlike my main league, we have happy news to report: she's 10-3, in first, with a bye. No other team was better than 7-6. She's also become abhorrent to the Shooter Sister for rooting against Donovan McNabb when we went against him in the Dolphin week. When it comes to money, you don't want to be against the Shooter Mom. Bad things happen. (We've got a good team that's been lucky, and we've made a lot of good week to week moves to keep the roster productive. Anyway, back to the point.)

With the bye wrapped up and a little time on my hands, I offered up some suggestions for the league's considerations on the message board. Not dictates, not demands, not even all that rude. (Yeah, it was hard. But these are people my mom works with, after all.) They were:

1) Moving to Yahoo (having played both there and CBS Sportsline, there's a ton of reasons to ditch the latter)

2) Extending add/drops beyond late October (seriously, my roster is frozen with Fat And Injured And The Root Of All Evil Ced Benson, who I'd pay to drop, even if it means not adding anyone back)

3) Having a TE, rather than just the ability to play a TE in the flex position

4) Going to fractional scoring

5) Not penalizing for missed field goals (seriously, you're down 3 if a guy somehow fails from 65)

6) Having sacks not count as much as fumbles and picks, and

7) Cutting the roster sizes down (currently we start 8 and bench 12)

The very charming public response from the Commish included this (unchanged with one exception, emphasis mine) pearl.

"Some of the rules changes you proposed are NOT going to happen we have been doing this league for 8 years and no way will I let a first year team owner have a little influence of how the league is run. You can feel free to join Yahoo if you wish. I talked to (old owners whose names have been withheld) about some of the rule changes. It is up to youy, If you are invited back next season you need to follow along the program. Thanks."

Now, I am, as many FTT readers know, a Sensitive Soul... but did anyone else feel a sudden chill in the room? I must have bad windows or something. Because I'd hate to think that Commish is a little bent that their plan to take an older woman and fantasy newbie's money (and we're not talking chump change) doesn't seem to be working out. Because I'm not sure why you'd need to go for the public smackdown, and the Council Of Elders Will Decide Only Play...

But I shan't say anything more, for fear of Not Being Invited Back. Plus, of course, my need to Follow Along The Program.

After all, the Shooter Mom and I know very little compared to The Elders, as witness by our 10-3 record despite owning only one player in the top 20 (yay, Matt Hasselbeck! And thank you, Rex Grossman, for getting hurt, so that Sole Possible Backup Brian Griese could actually be useful).

Playoffs for us start next week. Wish us luck, won't you? For Mom's sake.

Dumbest league ever?

The Shooter Mom is joining her first league, so I'm giving her my draft prep. Let's just say that the league doesn't look too intimidating -- and yes, fantasy football is a complete crap shoot, but the following signs are, how shall we say, good.

5. In a 12-team league with one keeper, two defenses are off the board. Seriously. Baltimore and Chicago.

4 One of the people drafting is described as "a little special"

3. Two WRs are off the board (Terrell Owens and Steve Smith)

2. The message board is littered with typos. And big-time partisan homers.

1. Two QBs are off the board, too (Peyton Manning, Carson Palmer)

So, six of my top 12 players ranked in any draft... are on the board. Plus, the other owners appear genuinely bent that the Shooter Mom is getting experienced help.

Last year, I won a league where Reggie Bush went fourth overall (that team finished 13th out of 14), and Carnell Williams went sixth (sixth place). I never expected to be in a league that drafted dumber than that... but hope springs eternal.