Eagles - Commanders: Bringing The Pain

 > As dominant a game as you will see in the modern game from the Eagles defense, especially on the passing side, on the road. DE Hassan Reddick made plays, everyone got to the QB for the most part without blitzing, and you could tell the pressure rattled Commanders QB Carson Wentz. In the first half, it was 325 yards to 50, and the Commanders' passing attack registered -16 yards. Good, Lord.

> A second bullet because the defense deserves it: you don't normally see a pass rush at the end of a football game, honestly. Rushing the passer is hard in the modern game with so many short throws, and if you throw it long enough, linemen get gassed. This was the second straight game where they got to the QB late and made the opposition not even get cheap fantasy points. Wildly encouraging.

> The most times that Wentz has ever been sacked in a game. (Edgar G Robinson voice on) Where's your Jehovah now, Carson?

> Have to feel good for DE Brandon Graham to have a big day and show full recovery from last year's injury. He's an all-timer in the laundry for the Super Bowl strip sack alone, but it's great to see him controlling his late career narrative.

> I'm all for aggressiveness and ending a game as early as possible. But going for it fourth down twice in the red zone, so you can make it once and get seven points at the buzzer instead of six with a sense of calm... this just seems unnecessary. And potentially something that will bite this team in the ass when they play a real team.

> WR Devonta Smith had the best half of his time in the laundry in the first. His ability to dance a sideline is insane, and he keeps crushing on deep balls. Winning the contested ball to end the first half was a play he did not make last year.

> QB Jalen Hurts' comfort with WR AJ Brown is obvious and earned. Brown, for his part, is the best-looking WR in the laundry since, sigh, Terrell Owens. Please, for the love of God, AJ, stay not like that guy outside of the lines. 

> Best WR duo in the laundry since the halcyon days of Young Desean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin. And neither of those guys are as undeniable on handfight balls as Brown.

> Just a bad game for Commanders HC Ron Rivera. Didn't get a challenge flag out fast enough, didn't adjust his offense to take advantage of winning in the running game, and seemed to just think that doing the same thing long enough was sufficient. You don't get too many road games that are this inviting to the opponent. It's not as if any of his players did a lot to help, but still.

> It's nice to have linebackers. After a decade of not having them, I'm not going to take for granted for a long time. It also makes trying to engineer a quick strike comeback really difficult, because they just tackle well. 

> If you are looking to nitpick, there's a lot for a road game that you won easily. The offensive line isn't winning as much as you might expect in the first three games. Hurts has been covering a lot of sins, and you'd think that with a big lead against a 30th ranked rushing defense, you'd be able to do more to grind clock. It's also the second straight game where the offense came out in the second half with a lead and didn't seem very interested. And DT Jordan Davis' 15-yarder to give a fresh set of down on a made field goal is inexcusable. Giving up a safety on a predictable give to scatback RB Boston Scott also isn't great. Just a lot to clean up for what looks like a top five kind of team.

> PR Brandon Covey isn't acclimating to NFL speed, is taking bumps like a pro wrestling jobber, and probably needs to be replaced. It was telling that when the game was close and the Eagles were looking to force matters, they gave Smith a shot.

> P Arryn Siposs with multiple misses into the end zone early, when he had a chance to pin the Commanders' deep, but at least he got two to check up later. Add this to the blocked field goal last week under things that need work and isn't mattering. Yet.

> By the third quarter, this was a majority Eagles crowd, and even Fox knew it. They also could not have flogged Bucs-Packers in this game more; just not humanly possible. Whatever, you mooks: neither of those teams looks like the class of the conference right now. My team does.

> Fourth and four, Commanders out of timeouts, the Eagles chose to end it with Hurts throwing to Brown, as easy as it gets. Baller.

Eagles - Vikings Thoughts: Well, Damn, This Is Encouraging

 Some quick points from the best kind of win -- surprising and dominant.

> If QB Jalen Hurts is going to be accurate and decisive in the passing game against a max coverage scheme, that's a world of difference from last year.

Part of this is just his WR corps -- WR AJ Brown just puts everyone in their proper place and can just clown guys -- but it's also growth. Smart throws to WR Devonta Smith in rhythm, more than a few good pieces of work to TE Dallas Goedert -- this is just not going to be a fun team to defend. 83% completion with 10+ yards an attempt, a score and a deflection pick. Crazy good when you add 57 yards and two touchdowns on the ground. If you give this roster a top 10 QB -- and Hurts has been that for the first two games of the season -- they are a legitimate title contender (with, of course, health). The way he led the team to a 2-minute drill field goal at the end of the first half was masterful.

I also utterly loved his closed arms non-reaction swagger after hitting the home run ball to WR Quez Watkins. Baller.

> RB Miles Sanders is playing like he wants a contract. Very little dancing, a lot of yards after contact, good blitz pick up. He's their best back by a lot.

> This officiating crew really likes television time. This game could have been over a lot sooner if it weren't for a lot of nonsense calls.

> DC Jonathan Gannon gets a lot of grief for not being aggressive with a defense that needs help to get to the QB -- and then he has a game like tonight, in which he schemes WR Justin Jefferson into irrelevance, then sends real pressure late and made his guys looked absolutely jacked to be in this laundry. Encouraging.

> If you are a Vikings fan and you think Kirk Cousins is a QB you can win with, please run, do not walk, to my poker table. We really want to see you.

> The Vikings' most vital offensive player is RB Dalvin Cook. He had 6 carries for 17 yards, and 4 catches for 19. That's getting it done.

> The Eagles won by 17 points in a game where they didn't score in the second half. Part of this was just mistakes -- a blocked field goal, a tipped ball pick -- and some of it was just grinding clock. But they won by a lot with a mess of mistakes, honestly. 

> Maybe the best game of CB Darius Slay's time in the laundry -- 2 picks, 5 breakups, could have had more picks honestly -- and one of the best games ever by an Eagle CB. Like Brown with the WR corps, he just sets the secondary into their proper order, and when you give him Cousins on a Monday night, his biggest problem might be keeping his helmet dry from a watering mouth. Extra points for giving a pick game ball to James Harden and showing that it's a really fun time to be a Philly sports fan right now.

> I'm still not in love with this defensive line. They don't get the push you'd like to see, and two games of prized free agent edge rusher Hassan Reddick is not exactly selling any jerseys. But they have linebackers who actually close, tackle and deflect passes now, and that's very, very new. I like.

> Shout out to P Arryn Siposs, who punted well and tracked down a blocked field goal better. Last year wasn't great, and the team did not bring in a competitor in training camp -- and he's been good anyway. One more small point to the coaching staff for knowing what they have.

> Not a good game for PR Britain Covey, who is still practice squad fodder and not locked into the role. He seems to be sure-handed, but this game wasn't at NFL speed. He is, of course, better than the departed WR Jalen Raegor, who Eagle Fan really enjoyed booing the living hell out of tonight, for so, so many reasons.

> The schedule is going to do the team some favors -- they look to have a lot of cookies coming up -- but it's a challenge to keep eyes on the prize. They don't give out wins in this league before you play.

Eagles - Lions: 10 Thoughts

 > Any time when you win a road game and didn't control the trenches, that's theft.

> Eagle Fan is looking for growth from QB Jalen Hurts, and that didn't really happen. But he also did not turn the ball over and this isn't a game you win without a hyperathletic running QB.

> This might be the best offensive line in football -- if you only count run blocking. Pass blocking, not so much. And when a big chunk of your run yardage is from your running QB, maybe not that either.

> With Lions QB Jared Goff's fumbled snap reclassified as a running play, this was a sackless game where the Eagle defense had the lead the majority of the game, and the Lions offense was missing multiple starters. When your best pass rush comes from a safety blitz, That's Not Good.

> If Hurts runs 17 times a game, he's not going to be upright through October.

> Coverage-wise, this is one of the better Eagles secondaries I've ever seen, but still had some lapses, and it's easy to overstate how much anticipation you can get when you are facing Goff.

> I'm fine with HC Nick Sirianni being really aggro on fourth down calls. Now, if he only called decent plays on those plays...

> Dallas is alone in the NFC East cellar. I'm really OK with that.

> WR AJ Brown for a ho-hum 155 in his Eagles debut -- AKA, over half of the passing offense. He's ridiculous and I'm thrilled to have him in my laundry.

> I get that Lions DB De'Andre Swift is a good player. He's not freaking Barry Sanders. This defense gave up 35 points and was supposed to be good. I get that Week 1 is for overreaction and any win is a good win, especially on the road... but let's just say my 13-win prediction based on a top 10 defense? Not feeling very confident in it coming true right now...

Your Worthless 2022 Eagles Prediction

Maybe if you combed your beard more

 The rule of thumb for the Eagles in most years is that if you think they will be good, you're wrong and hate life... and if you think they'll be bad, you'll be pleasantly surprised by relative mediocrity. When what really happens is that their dumpster fire of a division (Jerry Jones! Daniel Snyder! The Mara Family! Take a bow!) changes and warps all assessment, and the NFC Least division winner gets exposed in a one-and-done playoff appearance.

And then there's this year. The Eagles added a half-dozen defensive starters, either through well-regarded draft picks, free agent signings that are getting applauded from outside of the area, and some returns from injury. For the first time in something like 15 to 20 years -- yes, even the Super Bowl year -- they may actually have the most exotic of football animals, a linebacker that would get a starting job somewhere else if they were released. They signed a CB2 (James Bradberry) with size, some good recent performance, and a summer filled with glowing camp reviews. They might even rush the passer, and if Derek Barnett (back on a discount!) makes bonehead penalties, he'll sit, because he's not even really a starter anymore. Instead of hoping that reach past draft picks like third rounder Davion Taylor will be fine if just given playing time, they cut him, then signed him back to the practice squad when the rest of the league shrugged. There's so much to like here.

Anyway. Let's pick wins and losses.

Week 1 - WIN at Detroit. The Lions have some points in their favor and Week 1 is always odd, but they come in with a hurt offensive line and a past inability to stop the run. The Eagles should win this by two touchdowns, so let's assume a close game due to turnover variances.

Week 2 - LOSS against Minnesota on a Monday night. The Eagles aren't starting the year 4-0, and they aren't losing either of the next two games. So this is the whiff game.

Week 3 - WIN At Washington. Betting for Daniel Snyder's team to implode is never a bad idea, and the need for the franchise to dunk on Carson Wentz will make for tens of thousands of Philly Fan to fill that terrible stadium and turn it into a home game.

Week 4 - WIN against Jacksonville. This is a potential trap game if they beat Minnesota, but it's just too soon in Doug Pederson's second head coaching job to pull off a road win.

Week 5 - LOSS at Arizona. There's some definite bad juju coming out of Arizona, but this road trip has been a nightmare for the team for most of the last two decades. Zach Ertz revenge game, assuming he's healthy enough to deliver it.

Week 6 - WIN against Dallas. Definitive game for the first half of the season against the only other team in the division that should be above .500. Dallas is showing issues in the offensive line, I'm not convinced that QB Dak Prescott can overcome decay there, and this defense was artificially good last year on turnover variance. 

Week 7 - WIN against Pittsburgh. Count me in the not really believing in QB Mitchell Trubisky camp. (Let's face it: you aren't winning when you rely on a Mitchell. Don't make me go down the MST3K rabbit hole as to why.) The Steelers are too well-coached to tank, but maybe they should? Not going to be a fun year for them.

Week 8 - WIN at Houston. Bad franchise and an ugly TNF game, but momentum is a thing at this point as the club goes to 6-2 and starts to dream of playoff positioning.

Week 9 - WIN against Washington. There's a stumble game somewhere in this mess, but I kind of expect Wentz to either have a Covid relapse, dramatic benching, team revolt or some other injury by now. It's important for him to not hear Philly Fan with years of pent-up things to say. Maybe going all in on an anti vax Jebus hick wasn't meant to be.

Week 10 - WIN at Indianapolis. Trying to get a sense of whether QB Matt Ryan is actually good or not is above my pay grade, but some of his worst work has been against my laundry. This gets them to 8-2 and a lot of Are They For Real talk.

Week 11 - LOSS against Green Bay. This isn't an imposible mission, and Green Bay has some of that "are they actually good or just taking advantage of a bad division" going for them as well... but the bounces never all go your way.

Week 12 - LOSS against Tennessee. One of the not so lovely things about the Eagles in the last two decades is that they really don't have a home field advantage any more. No one feels bad playing at that field, the way they felt bad at the Vet, and the pricing took the fans that cared way too much out of the arena. Expect The Sky Is Falling and They Are Frauds talk after this. It's what happens.

Week 13 - WIN in New York. Sky isn't falling, especially when two of the last five games of the year involve a Giants team that will be tanking for their next QB. 

Week 14 - WIN in Chicago. Another team that might be tanking. I also really don't think QB Justin Fields will be healthy by Week 14.

Week 15 - WIN in Dallas. A for the marbles / passing of the torch game. Dallas just doesn't have the back end roster management skills to overcome injury. But it'll be a sweat, if for no reason other than CB Darius Slay might not be a CB1 by then.

Week 16 - WIN against New Orleans. Dome team on New Year's Day on the road isn't a winning formula. Could be a trap game, honestly.

Week 16 - WIN against New York -- assuming it's not a rest the starters game. It might be. But I suspect the Giants will want the loss more.

Final record: 13-4, first in the NFC East, #1 or #2 seed in the NFC. Loses in the NFC Championship Game. Off-season is filled with debate as to whether QB Jalen Hurts because the QB that loses in the Championship Game always gets that vote, HC Nick Sirianni, RB Miles Sanders and CB Darius Slay all need to come back for another shot in 2023. 

C Jason Kelce, DE Brandon Graham and DT Fletcher Cox all play their final games in the laundry, either through retirement or injury. All Pros are Kelce on a lifetime retirement vote, TE Dallas Goedert, QB Hurts, and DT Jason Hargrave. Team trades Hurts and picks for an older QB in what is seen as a panic move to seize a window that probably isn't closing... setting the stage for not winning the division in 2023, despite the division looking like it's ready for relegation. It's almost as if we can't have nice things!

What I've Learned From Watching Televised Poker While Feverish

STARE AT IT YOU KNOW YOU MUST

So this weekend, I've been ill. Yes, it's likely Covid since plenty of people in my life have it this week, and while I keep testing negative, I don't really trust the results, especially since I've been symptomatic for, well, days now. So I've been trying to do work for the day job while leaving TV poker on in the background. Here's what I've learned!

Every Final Table Is Tough! It doesn't matter that you've never heard of the people on the screen before, or since. It doesn't matter that some of the plays stagger the imagination, or that people are talking themselves into absurd calls or folds because they are on Tee Vee. This final table is tough! It doesn't have any players who are just card racks, suckout artists, and people on 3-day heaters. They just don't exist at Very Tough Final Tables!

No one is paying attention to how these telecasts are cut! Play is interrupted randomly for promos, ads, and any other damn fool thing that some algorithm throws into the feed. Sometimes two or three times in a row, the exact same spot. This would matter if you really were emotionally invested in this sort of thing, and if you are, Please Seek Help.

Young People Don't Know The Time! Dear reader, do you routinely wear a wristwatch that isn't an instrument of technology, retails for the price of an economy automobile, and could serve in a pinch at a tapas restaurant? Yeah, you are so not the target market for people who used to run poker tournaments.  Honestly, I'm kind of amazed no one ever went all Flavor Flav with their winning timepiece and hung it around their neck. Either that, or pawnshops near casinos around the world are just dripping with ticking hubcaps. Gaudy, tasteless, ticking hubcaps.

Every Casino Runs A Great Tournament! It turns out that the venues that run these events -- and, um, do so under very clear and obvious rules, much of the time with the exact same software that you've seen in, well, every casino everywhere -- is just super-special to the players, and their very favorite place to play. It's almost as if they aren't telling the truth! Or, more charitably, on a 3-day heater of super-happy moments where they may be pulling in major bank. But no, it's the specific venue!

Misogyny -- You're Soaking In It! Ever wonder why women are only allowed on these telecasts if they are very attractive and holding a microphone up for some mouth-breather in a hoodie, while never daring to venture behind a desk to offer expert analysis? Or why wacky hijinks B-roll footage related to the area inevitably involves said woman giggling her way through an activity she's never done before? Why, it's almost as if poker is a male-dominated activity suffused in the poisonous misogyny that chokes and retards the majority of human existence. Almost!

Amazingly, You Can Play Poker Online! Yes, I know this will come as news to anyone who has been in a hyperbaric chamber for the last two decades, but this is VERY EXCITING and needs to be advertised every four minutes on average. Or perhaps I'm just hallucinating. Maybe both!

This Is A Universe Of Really Great Guys! It turns out that no one at a final table is devoid of personality, borderline psychopathic, lacking in social graces, deficient in humor, has poor body odor or any other human flaw. Again, it's almost as if people who are being interviewed are just reciting cliches or sticking to a script, but we know they aren't, because poker players never lie!

Watching Other People Play Poker Is A Party! Yes, I know, the crowd can't see the hole cards, which is kind of the whole point of the telecast, and poker tournaments are often hours of tedium punctuated by minutes of excitement. So unless you have direct action, this can present as an even bigger waste of time than watching the telecast -- but, um, nope! Everyone's having a fantastic time! They aren't overserved at all!

Many of these players are super creative! It's not as if they are all engaged in a constant escalation of math and psychology in near equal measure with a dollop of randomness and luck thrown in, all of which translates to moves that, if we digitized their faces during telecasts, would make for an amorphous blob of poker play. It's totally distinctive and unique and shows that some of these guys are some of the most original thinkers on the planet! Just ask them!

Large bricks of cash are in no way unseemly! People applaud these things as if they weren't coated in cocaine residue, the blood of senior citizens feeding slot machines, or the sad spectacle of people reacting to the dumping of paper on a table as if it were a cure for a dread disease. Lookit the money! The money is magic! I SAID LOOK AT IT! WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT IT?