Top Twelve Reasons Why Michigan Is Keeping Brady Hoke

12) There's still a mathe- matical chance that the team could be national champions, assuming that math involves an astonishing number of transportation fatalities and targeted Ebola outbreaks

11) Being good at football is so last century

10) If you start doing things that students, alumni, fans and everyone but your opponents want you to do, you lack manliness

9) University is not comfortable with its high regard in academic and employment circles, and realizes it needs to be taken down a peg or six

8) If the Wolverines are good at football, it distracts from the Tigers, Lions, Red Wings and Booze

7) People in Michigan have had it too soft, what with the temperate winters and robust automobile employment

6) That Coke promotion for $100 tickets for the price of a couple of bottles of soda is a marketing case study that has to work, no matter the cost

5) Anyone can put six figures of football fans in the stadium to see a winning team, but it takes real character to do it for a stone cold loser

4) If Hoke completely tanks this, they'll be able to get a Harbaugh to take the job for cheap out of pity

3) Personal attacks on the coach and athletic director, regardless of merit, will not be tolerated, and public whippings will continue until morale improves

2) Elevating a defensive line coach to head coach gives soon to be under-employed students hope that they, too, will get a job that is vastly beyond their abilities

1) The administration has been secretly taken over by filthy, stinking Irish and Buckeys and Spartans, oh my