FTT Off-Topic: My Dream Poker Table

Invitation Only

Not sports, but perhaps universal in its appeal, and something I've been saving for a summer day. Assuming, of course, you play.

You hear this all the time as a stock interview question: the people you would most want to have dinner with. Well, dinner tells me little, honestly. It's a perfunctory exercise, everyone's got to eat, and if you are rude enough, it doesn't even mean you are going to be paying your full attention to it, what with the PDAs and the cell phones. Besides, what if they aren't hungry, or in the mood to linger afterwards? Just setting yourself up for disappointment.

Who would you want to play poker with is a whole 'nother kettle of fish, though. Especially if everyone at the table cares about winning (maybe it's televised, or the winner gets some massive payoff to the charity of their choice), but not so much that there isn't good table banter. Nobody's scanning their Droid through that.

So here's my list, and you'll notice that there isn't a single famous poker player on it. Who the hell wants to play against those people, just so you can be yet another notch on their kill list? I'd much rather put some of my favorite celebs to the test.

So here are the ground rules. You can't just pick rich, stupid and unlucky people, or those who you would do anything to take their money. (That's a much shorter and meaner list for me, and has lots of athletes, owners and World Wide Lemur personnel on it. And if I lost, I'd never forgive myself.) You are at the table alone, none of your buddies or regulars can come. You're there to play poker with them, not borrow money, land a job, sleep with them after the game, or become their life-long friend. The game is a single table, sit and go hold'em tournament, three to six hours. It's a house game where everyone passes the deal, and has to shuffle and cut. And there are no rebuys, and the buy-in is for whatever you want it to be. There are nine, which means you get eight picks, not including yourself, at the table.

So having said all of that... here's my list.

Seat 1 - Louis CK. One of my three favorite working comedians, and such a certified sad sack that I'm certain he'd lose and be hilarious about it. There's also the possibility that the experience will make its way into a future routine, which is more or less how I'd define immortality. Putting him in seat 1 also ensures he's going to be uncomfortable about his weight, putting him on tilt from the start.

Seat 2 - John Clesse. My favorite Python is going to be good and cranky from being way too tall to be in my room, and probably is too old to stay awake, but I'm going to need someone with that accent and spark. Putting him next to Louis more or less ensures the entertaining misery of both men, and allows for me to watch Louis get tongue-tied, even more than me.

Seat 3 - Prince. I'd like one person at the table that I'm taller than, and as he's a notorious tightwad and prone to stiffing people, I'm thinking that he's going to be something of a nit. Plus, you get the fun of having some of his music on the sound system in the room, and skipping past tracks dismissively. If he comes in those assless chaps from the "Gett Off" video, I'd call that an aggressive play. Especially at his age.

Seat 4 -- Tom Waits. I'm expecting the legendary avant-garde singer-songwriter to preface every bet with some unforgettable nonsense, spend the breaks smoking a cigarette under a burning umbrella, and to bring the best snacks. Also, lots and lots of bourbon. Plus, if he busts early, my wife can give him a ride down to the rail yard, or some bar or diner that arises out of the mist. In any event, he's wrecking Prince.

Seat 5 - I'm sitting here. Right in the middle of everything, so if I bust, I'm dealing.

Seat 6 - Elizabeth Warren. The senator from Massachusetts gives me a person that I actually know at the table, and helps to balance out the testosterone. As an ex-bankruptcy professor and grandmother, I expect her to play tight: as Elizabeth Warren, I expect her to give no quarter, know the math better than anyone else at the table, and keep raising the bid blind. That'll be fun when you see who I'm putting two to her left.

Seat 7 - Fiona Apple. I need a true wildcard in my big blind for trapping purposes, as well as someone who will make Warren slow down and feel parental. Plus, this means my eldest stays to watch every hand, and has incredible issues of who she roots for, if and when I get into hands with her. By including her, I'm also giving myself the chance of getting into one of her songs. And if she gets to heads-up with Waits, I think we'll be able to put recreations of the showdown off-Broadway.

Seat 8 - Barack Obama. We know he plays. It'd be fascinating to see how much he bluffs, and whether he shows afterward. I'm hoping that he'd open up with all of the genuinely funny people at the table. And including him here is my absolute, solid gold, trolling for trolling moment to produce nasty comments to this post. Plus, we get the benefit of Secret Service protection for the game, and to make whip noises when Michelle calls to ask him when he'll be home.

Seat 9 - Wener Herzog. Do we have a clip? Yes, we have a clip. (Plus it looks like he plays!)



In case you don't know who Werner is, oh dear God, please learn. He's my favorite difficult film director ever, an absolute genius, a man with the ability to laugh at himself, and... well, crap, he's Werner Herzog. It's his world, and the rest of us are just paying rent. Plus, we've got that British-German thing going on with Cleese; count on at least three heads-up confrontations between those two that will end life as I know it, and he's going to re-raise Obama with gleeful spite. I have to have the German at my table.

Anyway, that's my nine. Who's at yours?

Secondary table: Chrissie Hynde, Billy Beane, Bob Odenkirk, Charles Barkley, (me), Stephen Colbert, Samuel L Jackson, Felicia Day, Jack White