Saturday, December 15, 2012

Five More Old Guys You Meet at the Y

That Which Is Seen Cannot Be Unseen
This morning, in a typically misguided attempt to catch up to my fitness goals after a week of work, family stuff and sloth (OK, it was all sloth), I ran 10 miles on the treadmill in 88 minutes, which means that I can't walk now. At all. My right knee is just a lockdown of pain; it's just sad. But it did give me the chance to add to my collection of Old Guys You Meet At The Y. Join in the fun!

5) Grumpy Grandpa.
Well, what else to do with the little monsters other than to take them to the gym? They'll swim and, I don't know, pule for a smoothie at the Cafe or something while wandering the locker room like it's Naked Day at the Trailer Park. GG is treasured for his ability to say inappropriate things in public, display parenting skills and/or motivational tactics that make you want to give his kids booze to deal with the pain, and repeats everything that he says at least four times to show the kids that he's (a) very mad, and (b) very serious. And before we cast too much judgment on him, have a care; he's shepherding numerous small boys, any of whom are capable of making a Nude Fun Run to the parking lot and freedom, horrible, horrible freedom. And you, well, are not. I'm so glad I have girls.

4) Medical Sharing. Have you had recent surgery and care to discuss it with naked strangers? Then come on down to the Y! Bonus points if your procedure was complicated, or had untold problems, and/or anything that can possibly make someone queasy about being in the same facility with you, let alone the same shower. After all, you're in the Y for your health, Old Guy... not anyone else's.

3) Medical Adviser. Also known as the Sharer's enabler, MA is there to tell you relatively straightforward stuff that any child, let alone adult should know, only to amp it up as soon as possible to all of the other things that people touch on a daily basis, and are clearly DEATH TRAPS. Listen long enough, and you'll never touch another person's cell phone, steering wheel, door knob, poker chip or air. But it's good that we're all in this shower together, right?

2) Suspicious Coot. Why are you listening to someone else's conversation, even when it is being held at decibel levels that could stun a water bison? SC wants to know, and if his sideways glance doesn't get you hurrying through your load out, his I've Been In Combat demeanor will. The only really good thing about SC, other than the fact that you will eventually be him, is that he's easily distracted by any of the other members of the knitting circle, since they've been distracting him from throwing down with random guys for, well, decades. There's a reason why he got to this age, after all.

1) Gleeful Reaper. If living well is the best revenge, living longer is clearly the most attainable, and GR is here to tell you about all of the guys who don't come down to the Y no more -- which, of course, supports what MA has been saying all along. Dammit, when will people learn that everything there is to be known about life can be heard from old white men. Anyway, the nice thing about GR is that, unlike many other old dudes, he's got a good attitude about this age thing, because -- Scoreboard! -- it's a game he's winning. Which means that he's also another role model. Plus, you get to scoop up all of the babes in your age group!

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