Top 10 features of Derek Jeter's new 30,000+ square foot house

10) Room with cunningly scaled down infield so that Jeet can practice grounders in a confidence building arena

9) Spare rooms to house his leadership, character and intangibles

8) Exit-only bedrooms for starlets that are not, shall we say, True Yankees

7) Sound system with full recordings of Bob Sheppard for those clutch situations

6) A dock for Joe Torre's run-down houseboat, for when Joe stays over while doing the gardening and pool-cleaning

5) Train line with a #4 subway car, so he can feel more at home

4) A food court with everything served at the new Yankee Stadium, so he can have a qualified opinion on any cuisine

3) The actual corporate headquarters of the YES Network

2) A seven foot high fence, extra garages, and enough space to fit your average Best Buy

1) Secret subterranean shark tank (sharks! sharks with frickin' lasers!) who live on a diet of kidnapped sabermetricians