How to win in Facebook Poker: Don't Play

Oh, yes, I've been wasting my time and avoiding actual work, or the seeking of new work, if you catch my meaning, and I think you do. Anyway, my little starting stack has now gone to six figures and beyond, all by following these simple rules.

1) Do not bluff. Anyone who plays this game is playing with free chips, and has the auto-call to prove it. So if you've missed and are thinking about playing position, don't.

2) Don't be afraid to fold pre-flop. It's not like anyone stays at one table long enough to get a read on what anyone else is doing, or sense that you are only playing premium hands. You will get paid off.

3) The Post Oak bet does not exist, and neither does a check-raise. So do not bring your fancy boy poker evil into this swamp. It's pointless on every level, really.

4) No one is impressed by a pot size bet. Realistically, if you want to build a pot, all you have to do is shove in early position, and watch the callers come. Just try not to get bent out of shape when you get beaten by two pair rags.

5) Learn to love nuisance raises, or find another table. Facebook players, or at least a sizable number of them, seem to love the minimum bet raise that clears the table of no callers. So if you can't stand silly timewaste in the middle of your silly timewaste, move on.

6) Enjoy, or not, insane suited calls. In the real world, holding A-K in late position and making a 5X pot bet might, you know, make the guy holding 3-6 suited blink. But not in Facebook Land! He'll even check that all the way down after you miss, just so you can see how his low pair on the flop was good all along. Which leads us to the following and penultimate piece of wisdom...

7) Do not, under any circumstances, feel that if you are good at this, that it somehow translates into a real table game. It just doesn't... because IRL, I make a small profit, and in FB Land, I'm absurdly wealthy. And not, as a rule, playing any differently, or better. But in the land of crazy aggro calling stations, the patient tight man is king... at least, so far.