Top 10 reasons why the Phillies signed Marlon Byrd

Dollar Sign On The Fake Muscle

10) 36-year-old guys coming off career years with a history of PED usage are just great investments

9) Didn't want John Mayberry Jr. to worry that anyone was going to be able to take his place

8) Having corner OFs that are actually better than the guys who have that job for rival teams is just cheating

7) By GM Ruben Amaro's standards, 2 years for $16 million is cigarette money

6) Feel so bad that he didn't get to be a Phillie for his entire career, and that they wasted their time with those Victorino and Werth guys

5) When you finish 73-89, you don't need anything more than the 24th best available free agent to rocket back into the playoff picture

4) Have to make sure that they don't sign anyone better than Ryan Howard, which is getting harder and harder to do

3) Wanted to be sure that he didn't go back to New York and sway the balance of fourth-place power in the NL East

2) Amaro is, in fact, a master prankster / performance artist who is running a long-form piece on the fan base as a statement on the meaningless of life

1) Had to answer the question, "What outfielder could we get that would be most like last year's magical Delmon Young signing"

The NFL Doesn't Get To Be, Or Care About, Trolls Anymore

Will Continue To Buy In

So here we are, a week after the Miami cesspool achieved public noses, and the majesty that is free speech means that we've got any number of regrettable retro men and she-men talking on the Internets and talk radio about how this is all part of how Women, They Ruin Everything. (Or The Left, or Obama, or Liberals, or Demmycrats, or Socialist Commie Panty Wearers Of Either Gender. I know, I should have just stuck with Women.)

And, well, far be it for me to stand in the way of free-range misogyny. I haz daughters and wife myself, and depending on the day's crisis, I am right there with you in terms of longing for the company of men who regard conversation as the greater of two evils. (The dog is male. And beloved.) And slapping down trolls, even when I am among their number, seems hardly befitting my electrons and your eyes. But let me get just a hair deeper than Don't Be Dickish. The simple fact of the matter is that the NFL has to go beyond the troll market of 100% Manly Men, because that's where the money is.

Think (yeah, I know, not the strong suit of Troll Nation) about it. Why do you see all of those wince-inducing NFL Shop for Women merch commercials? Because those people are the *new* consumers, you mooks, and need to be informed about how important it is to have their own up to date personalized jersey that shows your support of some current occupier of the laundry. Why is every NFL team pink-washed as if the pink-washing people do anything to benefit cancer research? Because those are the new consumers, and painting the talent in pink tells them that they're helping, the same way that all of that stuff at the supermarket does. Why does the NFL force-feed games into London? Because Road Gaming to a premier travel destination gets the demo up, and taking your girl to the UK is worlds better, and always will be, than 2/3rds of the domestic destinations. But wait, there's more...

Why is the league working up the concussion procedures, when they spent decades working a Cigarettes In The '60s level of scientific tomfoolery about the issue? Because moms can stop kids from playing the game, and also makes them wonder if maybe coming in from the cold and watching the games isn't really something they want to do after all. Or why the halftime acts at the bigger games have been slowly but surely moving away from Geezer Acts For Viagra Users to Uncomfortably Young And/Or Gayish Acts From This Century?

Again and again and again, to bring in the marginal / middle / new consumers. The trolls are *always* going to watch the NFL. We could make it two-hand touch with judges adding figure skating style points for the most artistic kind of touchdowns, and there is still going to be cherry-popping joy from Hated QB going down from a blitz, and Dallas Fan losing his mind over his team taking the pipe in Week 17. I can tell you, personally, that I'm going to watch every Super Bowl broadcast for the rest of my life, even if we get ten straight years of the Patriots facing every NFL East franchise that isn't my Eagles. (I think I just invented my next month of nightmares.)

But what about the people who haven't seen the past 35+ years of games, or can take or leave the Big Game Telecast? Ah, that's the rub. And who are those people, really? Well, um, not to put too fine a point on it, but they are women. Or, at least, they are incredibly more likely to be women.

See, this is the side effect of the NFL becoming the only surviving mass media interest, and the only event every year that the majority of television viewers are watching, or have any amount of commonly held interest in. It has to take on all of the trappings of mainstream culture. Which means that locker rooms can't resemble prison yards anymore, and players can't be happy about knocking other players out, even if it greatly increases their team's chances of winning. You can't take an intentional penalty in an underhanded way to intimidate the way that, well, the Raiders, Bears and Eagles did in the '70s and '80s. If you videotape teams in practice or snoop on their radio transmissions, you will not be praised for your subterfuge and your daring; you will be pilloried as cheats.

We have to care, or at least pretend to care, when a guy is caught on HGH or any other prohibited substance, and if anyone ever admits to paying attention to their fantasy value or the point spread, we will scold them within an inch of their life. Because that's what Mom would do, and we don't get to ignore her any more just because the game is on. (Partly because, well, there is *always* a game on now.) And soon, very soon if the map for marriage equality is any indication, you aren't going to be able to use homosexual slurs anywhere near a microphone, or equate your opponent with female sexual organs, or have the option to not attend your child's birth even if the game is super important, and you are playing in it. Networks care more about Personalities (Tebow Tebow Tebow!) than professionals; we are not putting that toothpaste back into the tube.

Sports is no longer an escape from civilization, or "reality" television, or women, or advertising advertising advertising. (Think: has any NFL player been ad-slut-shamed, ever? No. And dear Lord in heaven, has Peyton Manning begged for that.) Sports is simply worth too much money, attracts too much interest, counts as Celebrity Culture for people who don't care about musicians or comedians or actors or politicians anywhere near as much as their local QB.

So rail about how the rules have changed, trolls. That never gets, um, young. And neither do you.

Top 10 reasons why the Braves are building a new stadium

It's Meme Time

10) Current stadium has been unable to overcome being in Atlanta and patronized by Braves fans

9) Only way to put that whole Barves thing behind them

8) Moving to the suburbs puts them closer to their fan base, and further away from those baseball-hating minorities

7) Old stadium must be haunted, since it keeps making those spooky and irritating chant noises

6) Really want to explore just how long human beings will sit in a traffic jam

5) Decades of playoff failure can clearly be pinned on the stadium

4) Cobb County's strict anti-gay ordinance record means that the team will get forfeit wins over an ever-increasing number of teams

3) The move also gives them a huge edge in free agency recruiting, since they can end every pitch with, "If you don't sign with us, that just means you're totally gay"

2) The new yard will be part of a big mall, which is management's idea of cool, and, um, I have no joke here because I've been overwhelmed by the soul-crushing sense of ennui that only a suburban Atlanta mall can produce

1) Like the team, the current stadium is loved by no one, and will hardly be missed

I Still Have No Idea If Nick Foles, Or The Eagles, Are Actually Good

Um, Ah, Yup

So here we are, Eagle Nation... 5-5, in contention for a division title despite an 0-4 home record. The younger and cheaper QB has now thrown for 16 TDs against no picks, with back to back games in the 150 range in rating, and he's turned the formerly struggling WR2 into one of the hottest assets in the NFL. Back to back road wins are nothing to sneeze at, and QB Nick Foles keeps having halves where the offense appears to be borderline unstoppable. Dallas, tied for the lead in the division, got utterly slaughtered on national television. We're well on our way to a wildly entertaining sprint to the playoffs, right?

Well, yes, sure...and if you were to tell me that Foles is, in fact, not very good, and that the team is going to wind up 5-11, I'm not going to be completely surprised. Disappointed, perhaps, but not surprised.

Today's win in Green Bay was downright silly. Getting out to a 10-0 lead, running for good yards consistently with Foles doing just enough to make the read-option viable... and yet, giving up significant yards to a third-string QB off the street seems like a whiff. It's hard to see how a team that exposes its defense to really unnecessary effort (i.e., the end of the first half) is going to be better later in the year, and yet, here they are -- better in the later of the year. Winning the turnover battle and coming up with monster plays in the passing game -- 211 net yards doesn't seem like that much, but it's tasty on just 18 freaking throws, and the team ran two running plays for ever pass -- is a real good way to win any game.

And yet, well... Foles continues to author the least convincing touchdown passes in NFL history. DJ's ball today was an underthrow that should have been picked, but the Packer secondary went for Stoogery to give the Cal product a room-service bounce. Riley Cooper's first ball is a dying quail that's underthrown again, but since the WR was the only man watching the ball, he was the only man to adapt his route and get to the pigskin. Cooper's second ball is just a coverage breakdown where the ball just needs to stay in bounds. And unlike last week's game in Oakland, where Foles did serious work to get the team in position for the easy scores, this week saw the team go 4 for 11 on third down and fail to sustain drives.

So why is everyone getting open now? The run game. Foles went to play action on 14 of his 18 throws, and they ran the ball 37 times -- so on 51 of 55 snaps, the defense had to stay tight in the box to deal with RB LeSean McCoy, who was only 25 for 155 today. Keep doing that, and you'll keep Foles in the comfy chair that he's in right now.

Next week, they get DC at home, and the road club has extra rest after the Terrible Night loss to Minnesota. DC is 3-6, only Jacksonville has given up more points. Dallas will be on a bye, and the 3-6 Giants will host the reeling Packers. Then, they get the NFL's latest bye week, while Dallas goes to New York. With six games left to go in the season, their destiny is in their hands, and they suddenly look like a handful.

Now, if they can only show up for a home game...

Top 10 NFL Week 10 Ad Questions

That Is Unseemly

10) Can Will Ferrell do any less to make money?

9) How much is the Taco Bell white guy eating "steak" basketball player going to hurl when he plays against the actual players?

8) Could AT&T be better with their coverage if they didn't spend all of their time talking to children?

7) When Outback says "you asked for it, mates", does anyone else hear a threat?

6) When Domino's asks people for their names on phone delivery orders, is there any other purpose other than blackmail?

5) Did Lou Reed's estate insist on Sony restarting the "Perfect Day" campaign, seeing how he's been dead for a whole week?

4) Do Visa users fantasize about being grievously wounded by Drew Brees in a dystopian hellscape?

3) Is Amazon's Mayday feature just one woman with an odd dye job?

2) Do you know anyone that has ever referred to a beer glass as a chalice?

1) If your definition of greatness is three cheese in your pizza crust, how do you live your life every day without sticking your head in the oven?