The Eagles Need To Use Boston Scott

HE IS MAGIC YOU CAN NOT SEE

Philadelphia is an 8.5 point underdog to Tampa (note: not Bay, because unless the Bucs are aquatic, that's not a place they can be from, especially since the city isn't named that) and, for, well, reasons. Tampa is the defending Super Bowl champions, they have the greatest negotiator in the history of demonic contracts ever in QB Tom Brady, they are at home, and so on, and so on.

But that's not what this post is about.

Now, you might think that by reading this headline I'm calling for the Eagles to rely on their top-ranked running game, #1 in the NFL. Especially since many of us have T-shirts older than QB Jalen Hurts, and the game is forecast to be played in a monsoon. 

Nope, not that either.

OK, maybe it's just an indictment of RB1 Miles Sanders, who has had ball security (sounds awful, and I'm just glad that it hasn't come for me, even in middle age) issues, and is just coming back from a broken bone in his left hand. Presumptive RB2 Jordan Howard hasn't looked like his mid-season form after a "stinger" injury, and Scott's recent work has shown he may have the hottest hand of the room. (Yes, yes, there's some fans of rookie RB Kenneth Gainwell, who has a truly great name for a running back. I am talking about, of course, KENNETH. Just rolls off the tongue.)

Sorry, not that. We're going to flip over all the cards and reveal why Boston Scott needs not just the majority, but all of the possible touches in this Sunday's game.

It's because Scott, like John Cena but much more magical, CAN NOT BE SEEN.

Don't believe me?

Well then, you must have not been watching NFL football for the past three decades and more. I have, and have been told by any number of analysts that when a running back is small -- and not super-small, just four to six inches of height and 30 to 50 pounds of weight less than most of the other players -- he simply BLINKS OUT OF EXISTENCE like a magical creature. Scott may occupy 90 to 95% of their mass, but that 5% is critical, especially when he's near much larger teammates who will never carry the football or need to be tackled.

It's not that Scott is fast, or elusive, or the Eagles are very good at run blocking. 

It's that he is Magically Smaller. 

Somehow, only on positive runs. 

On negative plays, Scott can be seen and tackled.

So, give him all of the touches, and trust in The Magic, people.

Three decades of saying a stupid thing can't be wrong!

(Update: The Eagles lost, but Scott scored a touchdown. VINDICATION.)

Saved for all eternity, Episode 1 of our new Cinematic Universe ("A Dark Prophecy")

A few points about production that kept coming up during the media tour...

> We did get some pushback from the fans about the product placement for Pepsi and Yahoo, but that's just a reality for productions like this these days.

> For the record, the Prince estate has been wonderful to work with.

> The studio really went to bat for us to keep the Krampus character. I'm glad that the Chinese authorities finally came around to the idea that he's just global now.

> Working on location during the pandemic was also a real challenge, but the crew really came through.

> I have nothing against the use of CGI, and we might use it later. But when you can use practical effects, I really think you should. It just gives the actors more to work with.

Episode 2 drops in 14 days. If you would like to camp outside of my home in costume at any point during the build up, we can't stop you. But the police can.

Make This Happen, Wrestling

How is it that there isn't a wildly successful pro wrestling heel gimmick for a female performer who claims the name Karen?

Just complain to the ref constantly, screech for the manager when things don't go your way, drop micro-aggressive quasi racial taunts, and cash the checks as untold thousands of people pay to see you get the s*** fake-kicked out of you. 

For bonus points, dress suggestively while constantly berating people for looking at your assets.

I will also accept this in tag team format, with unsuccessful face turns as the performer points out that they are just being independent, confident, self-assertive, etc.

I Went Viral For Reading A Map

 This image appeared on the Awful Announcing twitter feed.

As part of a discussion over how the growth in college football is being held back by one region dominating the championship games.

This was my reply.

Dave Mountain

@dmtshooter

·

Jan 12

Replying to

@awfulannouncing

Hmm, the portion of the country that was really invested in unpaid labor is really invested in...

Here are the statistics from that tweet... over 13K impressions, around 200 engagements.

It's almost as if I've struck a nerve!

Who Asked For This? The Five Tool Tool Reboot

 

I know what you are thinking, Theoretical Reader. 

Oh dear God, why?

I mean, had you been in any way intelligent, you'd have stopped watching sports the second that the Eagles finally won a Super Bowl, instead of just stopping the blog.

Achievement Unlocked. Find a new game.

Spoiler alert! I kept watching sports. 

So here's the full list of reasons that have tipped me over to writing new content for the blog:

1)  I also still write about them. Just on social media and randomly, which is to say, on something that doesn't give me the dopamine rush of having past precedent to call up. (Side note: some of those social media entries have blown up, so if I ever had "it" before, I have "it" now.)

2) People ask. Well, OK, not many and not often, but enough. YOU'RE WELCOME.

3) We still have T-shirts! I found them the other day. You can buy one. (Please do. Especially if you wear a Medium. Lots of Medium.)

4) If the Eagles or Sixers make a deep playoff run, I'm going to want to remember all of the details that only show up if I blog it.

5) We might make a dime from it. Unlikely, but hey. I'll take dimes.

So what will be different?

1) Much less routine posting. I'm not going to pick NFL games or predict seasons or do game diaries. The Internets are full of such things, and even though those features were liked, the juice is not worth the squeeze.

2) More things that are Not Sports -- but still focusing on Game, if you catch my drift.

If the world wasn't thigh-deep in a pandemic, stand up comedy clubs might exist, and I might screw up my coverage and use the stuff that makes people laugh IRL, well, on stage. So let's do the next best thing and repurpose that content here, where it might draw a snort or chuckle or two.

3) More things that are Whatever. 

Hey, you chose to patronize the reboot. That gives me carte blanche to experiment, right?

4) The URL.

It turns out that the old direct one has been taken over by some Asiatic site that horned in on all of my sweet old dead crawler traffic. So you'll have to type the blogspot in now, or bookmark a new page. Times are hard, we'll get through it. Somehow.

5) No ads! 

Avoiding the URL also means I get to avoid paying the terrible people at Register anything, and dear Lord in heaven, that's a win.

We also just up and removed all of the ads, at least for now. for a wide number of reasons. You People are just going to have to tip enough to counter all of that lost revenue. (Hint: That won't take much.)

So, spread the news, alert the media, uncover that old tattoo that you've felt bad about having for four years and know that Life Can Indeed Improve. 

Also, buy a T-shirt. A medium T-shirt.

Five Tool Tool Is Back.