Top 10 Ways Sixer Fan Should Mark Ben Simmons' Return

Ah Yep

10) In anticipation of the "Bricking For Chicken" missed free throw promotion, refrain from eating for the better part of a day, so you don't put on too much weight

9) Turn off all national media, which are going on full They Threw Snowballs At A Drunk In A Santa Suit A Half Century Ago Alert

8) Boo Simmons for the fractions of a second where he has the ball in his hands

7) Check Simmons' social media feeds in mid-game, since he'll likely be updating them then

6) Wear the Simmons gear you haven't burned (as if)

5) Wear the Carson Wentz gear you didn't get to wear last week (and burn that too)

4) Nervously pass up your once in a lifetime chance to boo a useless grifter into oblivion to someone who isn't very prepared, interested, or good at booing

3) React with absolute silence to the inevitable highlight reel that some poor media intern had to compile as a sign of good will, or something

2) Look at James Harden on the bench in street clothes and know that, in your heart, you won this trade even when the Beard is sitting on his ass

1) Hours of uninterrupted rhythmic sing-a-long profanity that stagger the human imagination with its creativity and persistence

The Philly-Houston Sportspocalypse Night: Houston's Leather Edge

Best Jerseys

> Phillies had Meek Mill pump the crowd, take a victory lap on the Phanatic's cycle, and emerge from the dugout wearing the powder blue uniforms of my youth. Everything good at once, honestly. 

> They also tied the game after just two pitches, with OF Kyle Schwarber continuing his late playoff locked-in run. They just never got the later hits with men on that they needed.

> The first inning ended on a strikeout and throw out double play as Phillies SS Bryson Stott executed a perfect block, as Philly Fan got back into full throat. They like defense, too.

> Nice game for 2B Jean Segura, who got on several times and actually got a knock with men in scoring position. Jean's probably not going to be with this team too much longer and he's clearly not 100% now, but he's giving everything he's got.

> The Astros did just enough offensively tonight, with weak contact and lucky offense providing a lot of traffic. If you hold a good offense to three runs in a bullpen game with shaky defense, it's really not on your bullpen. I don't know how much longer they can do this, especially with two elimination road games in front of them, but anyone who expected five games of this was lying.

> RHP Connor Brogdon was great tonight, and it says something about Phillies manager Rob Thomson that he didn't just bury this guy when he stunk it up earlier in the post-season. Maybe he didn't have options given how aggro he's been with the starters, but there's no such thing as low leverage innings in a tight World Series game, people.

> The fact that RHP Hector Neris keeps getting big out for the Astros is especially infuriating.

> RHP Seranthony Dominguez gave up a run on a bad play by Marsh, a wild pitch, and a chop. Even hitting into a rundown worked out for them, as it got a defensive swap that paid off for them. Lucky bastards. 

> In the 8th, 1B Rhys Hoskins couldn't field a ball cleanly, costing the Phils any chance of cutting off a run at the plate. It would have been a very hard play, but winning World Series games requires hard plays, folks. 

> With the tying run on third, Astros closer Ryan Pressly came on and got CF Brandon Marsh to whiff, and Schwarber to ground out on a play to first that could have easily given the home team the lead. In the ninth, CF Chad McCormick tracked a ball by C JT Realmuto to the wall, lept and held on. Defense, folks. In a Series that's 3-2 with the teams separated by just a single run, defense matters.

> Game Six is Saturday in Houston, with SP Zach Wheeler working with extra rest to see if he can get back his velocity and effectiveness. You can't think much of his chances, but you also can't win a series when you've had one good starting pitcher performance in five games. I don't want to see this team go out quietly, but they also owe us absolutely nothing. Go Phillies.

The Philly-Houston Sportspocalypse Night: Eagles Stay Unbeaten In Workmanlike Win

Sing The Song

In one of those rare occurrences when an NFL game played second fiddle in sports, the Eagles went to Houston and ground out a 12-point road win on short rest. Here's the takeaways.

> Philly Fan has totally taken over the Texans' home stadium. Jalen Hurts praying on the field doesn't seem like the kind of thing you should televise, but there it is.

> If you were worried about the absence of rookie DT Jordan Davis making this defense susceptible to the run, you were right to worry. Houston rookie RB Dameon Pearce is good, but he's not as good as they made him look.

> Worst game of the year for CB James Bradberry... still ends with a Bradberry pick to clinch it. Nice year he's having.

> Also a pretty bad game for CB3 Avante Maddox. First time this year the Texans scored on their opening drive.

> On some level, a 17 play drive for a touchdown is impressive... and when you are undefeated and facing a 1-5-1 team, maybe closer and longer than it needed to be. They also benefitted from multiple missed calls by the refs, who really didn't have a good night.

> Guys were running wide open all night, whether from poor coverage or good work by the Eagles receivers. It covered for another less than inspiring night of pass blocking, with LT Jordan Mailata having one of his worst games against DE Jerry Hughes. Hughes is a fine player, but Mailata should never be a turnstile.

> A rare game in that the Eagles didn't lead at the half, blow their opponent out in the second quarter, or totally shut down a shaky QB working with third-string WRs. We're clearly deep into style point land for the league's only undefeated team, especially when playing on Terrible Night for Football.

> Nice work by DE Robert Quinn tonight, but the stud of the game was DT Jason Hargraves. He was absolutely impossible for the Texans.

> Weird effort by the running game tonight. Holes were either immense or non-existent, and they weren't really able to put this away late. Very uneven work.

> Looks like they dodged a bullet from DT Fletcher Cox getting not hurt. I don't think Fletch is all that great any more, but he's helping Hargraves stay clean.

> One of the better games for the special teams, with the exception of K Jake Elliot missing the long one at the end of the first half. They weren't exceptional, but they also weren't a clear problem. Encouraging!

> The game turned on a turnover and Hurts finding Brown for a cotton-soft easy score. You could watch a lot of football and not see guys more open than this game.

> If you are an Eagles fan and not in the bag for GM Howie Roseman at this point, I don't know what to do for you. This year is just a festival of his moves paying off, with more of it tonight.

> The more you see of S Kevon Wallace, the less you think he's going to have a decent career. He's never part of positive plays for the defense.

> The Eagles are 8-0 for the first time in their history, and won a road game by 12 when they couldn't stop the run and didn't even seem all that interested in taking care of business. We are well into Style Points Time for these guys, honestly -- and the schedule isn't hard. Focus will be the challenge.

How It's Going: The Phillies Are Two Wins Away From A Parade

Lots Of This

The best month in Philadelphia sports history continued tonight with a 7-0 Game Three beatdown of the strongly favored Houston Astros. The Phillies went deep a record five times, three times in the first two innings, and the home team got nine shutout innings from their 3rd best starting pitcher and their absolute worst bullpen arms. 

You really can't imagine what this crowd is like right now; people are standing and screaming their heads off for hours on end, with seismic booms answering long balls. They are ride or die even when the game is out of reach for the opponent. They are making grown-ass baseball men wonder if anyone's home field advantage has ever been like this. It's just that nuts, honestly -- and in response, the Phillies are undefeated at home in the playoffs this year, with an absurd amount of offense and power. 

But wait, there's more. The bullpen, long considered to be suspect at best and owning the highest ERA of any team that made the post-season, hasn't given up a run in the first three games. Right fielder Nick Castellanos, never considered to be a plus defender, keep taking away hits. But the most remarkable thing to me just continues to be Phillies manager Rob Thomson running rings around the other dugout.

Astros SP Lance McCullers Jr. set a dubious record by giving up all of the homers, and if you want to wonder why a manager would squander a plus bullpen in a pivotal game by sticking with a guy who is getting crushed, well... it's another series where Thomson's aggression at changing pitchers was matched by his opponent asleep at the wheel. 

All of this, of course, doesn't mean anything if they can't win two out of the next four games, and if they really want to end the town, just win the next two at home, the way you ended the Braves and Padres previously. It's crazy to think it could go down like that, and Houston didn't win 100+ games on looks; momentum can change and this could all go away. But for right now, it's always sunny in Philadelphia -- except when it rains and allows the Phillies to start their preferred Game 3 starter, who then becomes just the second guy to ever wear the laundry and start a playoff game without giving up a run. (Oh, and he's a lefty, and the Astros murder lefties. Just not this one, and just not on this night.)

Two to go...