Tha NBA Sells Out, Or Milking The Last Cow

We Bring Good Money To Asshats

Item: NBA jerseys are going to include ads on the front in the upcoming season.

First things first: cheap comedy. Most teams haven't announced revenue figures, but nine clubs have gone for this already, and it's an interesting group. Let's take them each in turn.

> $7 million to the Celtics for GE, because nothing says killing the planet with eco-hazards quite like... well, both of them, really

> $10 million to the Cavs for Goodyear, because when LeBron James leaves again next year, tire blowout and deflating blimp jokes won't be easy to make at all

> My Sixers (gah) for StubHub, AKA a ticket-scalping service that hasn't been used by anyone watching a Sixers game in the entire Process Era

> The Sacramento Kings going for Blue Diamond Almonds, because they are also a tasty snack for opponents

> The Orlando Magic lying down with Disney, because like Disney, the Magic are in the business of providing luxury vacations for visitors

> The Minnesota Timberwolves slapping on Fitbit, because it'll be nice to show digitally how often everyone on the team takes extra steps on their post moves

> The Brooklyn Nets (Brooklyn is still in the league? Oh, sixty year old baseball references are your key to Quality Comedy) for Infor, a software company that, like the Nets, no one knows or wants to know

> Toronto Raptors for Sun Life, because nothing says Sun and Life like a concrete Canadian city that the rest of the country not so secretly despises in the winter

> Utah Jazz for 5 For The Fight, a Qualtrics move to raise money for cancer research, because Utah exists to make you feel bad about trying to see the humor in things

But seriously, folks... half of the cash from each of these deals goes to the team, while the rest slides into a league-wide revenue pool. Which means that every single team will have one soon, because who wants to be the asshat that takes from, but doesn't contribute to, the pool?

And sure, it's inevitable, and has been the case for any number of jerseys in any number of leagues all over the world before now, so why make a fuss... but It's Inevitable isn't really a stirring call to arms, yes? Death is inevitable, and so are taxes, and visits to the dentist and incontinence and new music being unpalatable, and so on, and so on. Ads on jerseys won't reduce ticket prices, or give fans free parking (now *there's* a sponsorship opportunity that would engender serious good will), or even a free drink with food. So welcoming it is pointless, because it's just a money grab / "innovation" for the owners, and who in heaven's name would welcome that?

Instead, look at ads on jerseys for what they are. One more straw on the donkey's back (we're the donkeys, folks), one more reason to not watch sports or share them with your kids, one more jab to the kidneys in the perpetual punch-out game that is Sports v Fans. One more thing that takes away from the fun, and one more reminder in the middle of your escapism that there is, nope, no sir, no escape.

Sports teams are used to a certain equation; take, and no give. The game is good enough, the athletes amazing enough, the coverage worthwhile, the analysis and fandom adding so much more that the Lords of Sport could never have done on their own. The people in the stands are rubes, marks, sheeple; fleece 'em all you want, just don't be quite so obvious about it, and win often enough to get their hopes up. Or, what the hell, be obvious about it; there's always some other town that will take your robber baron ass with open arms, and leagues love it when owners go rogue, because it makes petty crimes so much easier to get away with.

But here's the thing: other parts of our society *don't* treat the customer this way. Video games give the user an ever-increasing amount of content and game play without labor stoppages, PR nightmares, and naked profiteering. The community of these gamers interact with each other as easily as sports fans do, and you can be passive or active in your participation. Gaming used to be console-based and stationary; now, it's everywhere. Maybe even at the actual real-life game, even.

I am, of course, long past the event horizon of when people stop caring about sports; even in a year of remarkable personal upheaval, I'm in three leagues, run two of them, and made special efforts to see the games that matter to me. That's all more likely to continue than not.

But my kids, now 17 and 11?

Could, maybe, give you about a minute on which sports are which, what's done in them, and what teams their dad roots for. They haven't watched a game with me in years, and I sincerely doubt there is any incentive that I could give them that would get them to go to a game now.

I don't consider myself to be a particularly great parent, but at least there, I think I got it right.

So enjoy your ad revenue, gentlemen. Milk that cow while she's still able to stand.

But I don't much like your chances of getting the same output in a few years...