Monday, August 3, 2009

Top 10 Next Buccaneer Throwback Promotions

A friend of a friend is said to know the Buccaneers' GM, which means that I have the very deluded hope of an actually meaningful interview on FTT one day. (Don't get your hopes up.) I also try very hard to not care too much about uniforms. But there are uniforms, and then there are *uniforms*, and the laundry in question for this team is the clown-tastic '70s Tangerine Orange, which is just awful all over. They'll be back twice next year, and my only objection is that they won't be playing the Broncos while they wear their throwbacks, so we could have the very worst dressed matchup ever.

Adding to the pain of those jerseys is that era of Bucco actually had their only good moment of playoff happiness over my Eagles, a 24-17 game where they ran Ricky Bell for 142 dispiriting yards, the Bucs held the ball for 36 minutes, and the Jaworski Eagles got punched in the mouth more than just about any other game in my memory. Despite the final score, it was never really in doubts, as the game was in Tampa and the home team scored the first 17 points. Those Bucs would go on to lose their next playoff game at home in a 9-0 shutout to the Vince Ferragamo Rams. Ah, the memories.

So, in honor of the Bucs needing to go all festive on us, the following list of additional measures for the team to take.

10) Every fan gets a 1970s toothbrush, 8-track and Pet Rock

9) Concessions prices replaced by tithing

8) All meat and Buc QBs to served on a stick

7) Souvenir disco balls, cocaine spoons and fuzzy dice sold at concession stands

6) Both teams to switch out HGH and steroids for cocaine and pot

5) Braying African-American stereotype studio jackassery to be replaced by braying Grecian-American stereotype studio jackassery

4) Groupies infected with old-school gonorrhea and syphilis, the truly sexy social diseases

3) National anthem to be performed by people who can actually play musical instruments

2) Stadium security to use racial profiling for Palestinian, rather than Saudi, terrorists

1) Game won't use instant replay, high definition cameras, effective short passing, multiple featured running backs, zone blitzes, the wildcat offense, and at least fifty other things that even the biggest old crank would refuse to live without

1 comment:

Real Fake Sports said...

Looking forward to the orange creamsicles again. Nice post.

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