ESPN is set to launch a technology where a Denny's ad for its signature breakfast immediately pops up when a player is shown hitting a grand slam. Denny's, however, might have to wait until next baseball season to plug its Grand Slam pile of eggs and pancakes.10) The Cash 4 Gold Sell Out, where each fan of a tanking MLB franchise gets to sell off what they love for a ruinous discount, just like their favorite teams
ESPN is planning to debut the contextual advertising system next month within college football videos on ESPN.com. Its sales teams are just starting to seek out advertisers.
9) The Tivo Brett Favre Rerun, used whenever fans are treated to the same story over and over again
8) Domino's Pizza 30 Minutes Of Anguish, where if SportsCenter goes more than a half hour without showing actual game footage, viewers receive a sad little Pity Meal
7) E-Trade's Baby Mama Drama. When an athlete is reported to have a paternity problem, some lucky viewers receive free trading accounts for their creepy talking infants
6) StubHub Over Pay Day. Your favorite team has just signed a free agent to a grossly overinflated contract? StubHub will give everyone in that metropolitan area $5 off their next 4-figure purchase. Such a bargain!
5) EA Sports For Teen Abstinence. Keeping teen pregnancy down the safe and natural way -- with video games that keep them far, far away from anyone that could get pregnant. Between this and fantasy sports, we'll have this problem eradicated this year!
4) The NutraSystem Bloated Sack Challenge. Can you lose more weight than some odious NFL gasbag? If you can, you'll win a free month of "food", plus another six months of life before your fatal heart attack. Before you celebrate too much, remember that those months will, in all likelihood, be spent watching the Lemur...
3) Fleet's Pardon *This* Interruption Enemas. Deepen your self-hatred and misery, and hence, your PTI experience, with the special treatment that ensures, if nothing else, rabid weight loss. On the bright side, it makes Tony Kornheiser much easier to ignore!
2) Best Buy's Geek Squad Makeover, where you and your favorite hidebound ex-athlete Lemur analyst are taken to a week-long seminar session where you (a) learn the meanings of statistical measurements that have been invented in the last 40 years, (b) disprove certain clear factual errors like who wrote "Moneyball", (c) learn why closers are overrated, and (d) how the Yankees and Red Sox don't actually win every year. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll enter the 21st century *and* learn how to use a computer for more than ancient porn!
1) BALCO Blowout! Whenever the Lemur goes on at length about some steroid story, the infamous Bay Area laboratory gives 1,000 lucky viewers the first dose of an exciting new life. As with any great entrepreneur, your first hit is "free"...