Top 10 little kid bowling moves

I'm on staycation this week, and running the Shooter Kids around town in a whirlwind of parentally approved fun. And since some of you are convinced that bowling is a sport...

10) The Impossible Slowness Of Being. Can a bowling pin actively repel a ball? Only if it has been rolled by a five year old who seems to want the ball and pins to be fwiends. If you have an hour left to live, spend it watching little kids bowl; you will die of old age.

9) The Z Bank. If there was ever concrete proof that kids today have it too soft, it comes from the widespread use of bumpers on lanes. When they get good enough to actually intend to use them, that's a problem.

8) Shocking Shot Put. Who knew the kid had enough strength to raise the ball over his head and attempt a college three pointer? Or that if your kid punches a hole through the floorboards on impact, that you are liable? Hard lessons of the alley, these.

7) Ballerina Bowl. Little princesses do everything regally -- thanks a ton, Disney Demons -- including approach the line like it was the spring formal. The old Fred Flintstone Twinkle Toe has got nothing on kids.

6) Crossing The Line. Social mores have nothing on a little kid who has lost a fwiend -- aka the snot green flyweight ball that can't get back in the return. Enjoy the awkwardness as you consider going out on that grease pit lane after him, or whether it might just be better to sneak out and let someone else take the blame for his poor judgment. I keed, I keed...

5) Death Charge of Hate. Boys are particularly good at this one, where you charge like a Marine at Iwo Jima and throw the ball like a grenade, confirming your Ritalin-addicted status as a future member of some very special teams. Extra points for the MMA-style punctuating scream. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

4) Slapstick Pain. When your kid takes the full-out header and throws a shoe, eats the floor or just generally make you wish you had a camera for some fast YouTube fame... Well, you are clearly a horrible parent. And one that has peed himself laughing, or even worse, trying not to laugh.

3) Sneak Attack. Why keep bowling on this lane, especially if things have not been going well for you? Maybe some other lane will be more to your liking. That just shows your kid is creative! Especially when they aim perpendicular to the pins...

2) Birth Method. This one comes into play most with little girls who lack the arm strength to lift the ball with one hand. So they go the line, sit, spread the legs and shove. And you thought that Paris Hilton took a class or something...

1) Spin O Rama. It's the tenth frame, several meltdowns have already been overcome, and it is your last chance to make a scene in public. Why not go for the 360/720 with the axle twist in pike position? It's not as if Dad is ever going to take you here again. Go out on top!

Top 10 NFL Summer Camp Takeaways

The pre-season games have not even started, but the news from the NFL is still dominating Blogfrica, because no one likes baseball anymore. Here's what you need to know from the Silly Season...

10) When tragically under-reported Cowboys WR Dez Bryant got hurt, the injury was reported not by the doctors or coaches, but by owner Jerry Jones, who kept a 24/7 candlelight vigil

9) The Redskins are giving first team reps to WR Joey Galloway as part of their plan to utterly dominate the league in 2005

8) San Diego has decided to prick the bubble that is "Phillip Rivers is a great QB" by playing hardball with WR Vincent Jackson

7) The new turf at the new Giants Stadium is suspected of playing a role in the season-ending injury of Domenic Hixon, which would have never happened at the old Giants Stadium

6) Steelers QB Ben Roethlisburger anxiously awaited whether his "No Breathtakingly Sordid Scandal In Days" program would get his suspension reduced

5) Rookie RBs Ryan Matthews, Montario Hardesty, Ben Tate, CJ Spiller and Jahvid Best were all discussed way too damn much for the comfort of fantasy owners that, dammit, knew about them in college

4) Fans in Buffalo tried to convince themselves that the QB competition between Ryan Fitzpatrick, Trent Edwards and Brian Brohm, the upcoming monstrously cold winter, raging regional unemployment and their overall track record of doom weren't all excellent reasons to off themselves

3) Donovan McNabb's eternal Philadelphia detractors prepared multiple stories in advance of the season, so that, no matter what, they could continue to scapegoat him in the manner to which they are accustomed

2) Showing bravery, spunk and more pure grit than the rest of humanity combined, Patriots WR Wes Welker rehabbed an injury

1) The league showed unprecedented concern and preventive measures for head injuries while working to extend the length of the regular season

Random Acts of Red

On Sunday, the Five Tool Ninja invited me to DC to see the final game of the Phils-Nats series. Here's the account of what eventually wound up as a 6-4 win for the road team, a salvage moment after the Friday night pummeling of the newly acquired Roy Oswalt and the bad old bullpen, and Saturday's Brad Lidge gas-can walk-off job to Ryan Zimmerman.

First, the preliminary. Going to the game was, from the start, a questionable call. Money's been very tight for the past few months, and Sunday's game was the day after a casino poker blowout that mean I wasn't going to get more than a couple of hours of sleep before driving the 3.5 hours to the game. And when I said yes to it initially, it was under the impression that I was going to get to see wunderkind Stephen Strasburg, who wound up on the DL instead. But by then, the die was cast; I was going.

I wound up getting a better set-up than I could have hoped. The casino went well for my cash situation, and I got three hours of sleep before heading out. Navigating DC is always challenging without a GPS, but I made decent time and found the local Five Guys for lunch before going into the park, so all was well. The weather was sunny but overcast, and the seats in the left field bleachers were unshaded, but as the game began, it clouded and cooled off.

The Phils struck first, but Ryan Howard left for Cody Ransom after getting hit by a pitch and twisting his ankle going into second. For a team that's already reeling from the loss of Chase Utley and Shane Victorino, this was the last thing they needed, and after pushing two runs across, Sleep Mode was activated, which is what happens when rookie Dom Brown looks lost on off-speed pitches, and you are giving ABs to guys like Wilson Valdez and Ransom.

How punchless are the Phil-ins? So much so that junky lefty Jon Lannan, with an ERA approaching six and a fastball approaching meat, was able to hump up and strike out the side after the first two men reached in the fifth to end his day. On Opening Day, the Phils turned Lannan into hamburger with their real lineup. Yesterday, they made him look like Southpaw Strasburg.

Meanwhile on defense, Cole Hamels did what he's done for most of the year; pitch just well enough to remind you how good he was in 2008 while not being all that good. Against a Nats lineup with two threats (Adam Dunn and Zimmerman), one league-average stick in OF Josh Willingham, and a bunch of guys who could at best be described as serviceable, the one-time ace reached double digits in strikeouts and was dominant for much of the game... but in the inning that he gave up the league, he left a mistake up high to Zim with first base open and one away. Whiffing the next two hitters easily just exacerbated the mental error, really. Especially after Saturday's walkoff, making someone other than Zim beat you seems, well, important.

After watching Dunn make it 4-2 with a near foul pole homer to right, Hamels was in line to take the loss, and for the Phils to fail to make up ground on the Braves, who really look like the only other team in the division that can win over 90 games. But the Natty bully, with the noted exception of hard-throwing rooke closer candidate Drew Storen and the absent Tyler Clippard, isn't exactly airtight, especially after moving closer Matt Capps at the deadline. The Phils tied it in the seventh against fungibles like Miguel "Miss Iowa" Batista and vagabond Joel Peralta, then broke through in extras on clutch hits from Placido Polanco and a critical insurance RBI double from Jayson Werth.

Why critical? Well, when your closer is *still* Brad Lidge, despite 16 months of evidence that he's not bringing 2008 back, insurance gets used. Honestly, Phillies Fan cheered the Werth double harder than the Polanco game-winner, if only because it meant that the Nats would need more than the inevitable Zim leadoff homer. But Lidge wound up with a 1-2-3 save to keep the job for another couple of quease-inducing weeks, and that was that. Four hours of game, four innings of which were spent in an unpleasant drizzle, but a reasonable time and good company. Traffic getting out of there is a bad as advertised, though.

A few bonus points that didn't fit anywhere else...

1) Once upon a time, the Natty 'Spos were known for dynamic Latino talent -- Vlad Guerreo, Pedro Martinez, Delino DeShields, Marquis Grissom, etc., etc. Now, they might be the biggest group of rednecks and hicks outside of Boston. Dunn, Zim, Storen, Strasburg, Willingham... well, there might be a team that plays more country and western in their into music. But I doubt it.

2) Phillies Fan is becoming well and truly hated by the DC Locals, and for good reason. I like it, for no other reason than it allows for cross-sport hate. But give this for Nat Fan; they didn't go for Skins chants. Of course, when Daniel Snyder is your owner, that might be the reason why.

3) For some nicely awful editing moments, you can't beat late-inning scoreboard pleas for noise, intercut by low-key Nats Fans minding their own business. That was fun.

4) I'm as much of an old baseball yard / new stadiums are theft guy as there is on the planet. But in the fifth inning, with my bad life choices crashing down, an iced hazlenut coffee was an absolute day-saver. Even if it was $6 for something that might have cost them 35 cents to serve.

5) If you go, keep advised that the Nats remain pro-skin cancer, that the Five Guys burger is better than any in-stadium option, and that baseball in the cursed greater DC area remains little more than a road home game for the MLB+ clubs. But at least the Nats, unlike the Orioles, have a pulse. At least until Strasburg is gone, either through serious injury or free agency...

Top 10 Things Andre Dawson and Gary Carter Must Do at their Upcoming Nationals Event

10) Insist that the proceedings be simulcasted in French

9) Bring their own artificial turf to put down on the field when they make their appearance

8) Threaten to move the event to another city if they don't increase the payout

7) Replace all hot dogs and sausages with smoked meat

6) Stop signing autographs halfway through each signature, laughing like frogs at the tears of children

5) Blow forlorn toots on tri-colored vuvuzelas every few minutes

4) Bitterly accuse everyone in attendance of having it too easy, with their working stadium, quasi-existent fan base and relative ease of travel

3) Dress in powder-blue wrestling tights with fleur-de-lis designs, and clothesline everyone in sight

2) Poignant duet of Edith Piaf's "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"

1) All of the above while wearing berets, smoking cigarettes, failing to bathe and making the most viral sports video ever

The Extremely Fast Poker Blog and Site Update

Folks -- Just a quick word here to say that updates are going to be a little haphazard, as my main computer is giving me back virus warnings, I'm on vacation, and for the time being, I have to scramble to update from the Shooter Wife machine, which means no great amount of time to figure out copy, as it were. It Sucks, but perhaps y'all needed a break from me for a little while anyway, and I'm sure that I'll be back at this faster than I think.

In the meantime, content yourself with the knowledge of some continuing good luck at the poker tables (Tonight saw my best cash work ever in a casino, fast on the heels of my deepest, albeit still non-cashing, run at a tournament), and that I'll also get to see the Phils-Nats tomorrow in DC, which will have to result in some kind of posty goodness.

Back when I can. In the meantime, please go visit some of the other fine sports blogs listed here, or just click the ads furiously so that I canz getz paidz. Or Something.