These Quasi-Sports Related Points Make Us Feel Sad

1) Testy, feed your dog!

The best part about this is that people in a gated community with $1.5 million houses have Ron Artest as a neighbor.

FTT will now pause for a moment of not so silent contemplation, which will manifest itself as a bellyfull of deep, dark, laughter at the misfortunes of the rich.

Not since Spree's Fellow Yachtsmen have property values taken such a hit...

http://nmsn.foxsports.com/nba/story/6452756?MSNHPHCP&GT1=9131

2) Peyton Manning is the SB MVP?

Um... well, he *was* the best QB in the game, that's for sure. After all, he did throw for all those touchdowns. Wait, um, none? Wow. And a bad pick at the start of the game, too. Well, it's not like a RB dominated the game (Rhodes: 113 yards rushing and a TD, Addai: 77 rushing, 66 recieving). Or that the O-Line could actually get a little love for once: Jeff Saturday was huge. Or go for Bob Sanders, who made a back-breaking interception and made a historically bad run defense good by coming back...

Anyway, no, good for the Meat Cutter. As True Prophet Stephen Colbert has said, maybe he can now get some endorsements.

3) Prince's Devil Dick

It astounds FTT that this is actually a story. Here's a small historical note: Jimi Hendrix played his guitar like it was his dick. FORTY FREAKING YEARS AGO. Then he'd light it on fire. Prince even played a little Hendrix during his set with "All Along The Watchtower."

We get, on some pathetic level, the uproar over NippleGate (what will we tell the children?). But when 40-year-old rock schtick is a story... holy moley. We're about six months from going all Unabomber about the media.

4) John Amaechi: Because Being An Active Gay Athlete is Impossible

FTT has a long-standing grudge towards Penn State, and is resisting many, many jokes. Or, well, maybe not. Happy Valley! (It's OK, John. Maybe you can go hang out with Ted Haggard.)

5) This is ouurrrr... failed presidential run

Only slightly related to sports, but Sen. John Edwards, according to the only true news show on television (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart), is using John Mellencamp's "This Is Our Country" for his campaign theme.

FTT tries to avoid mixing politics with sports -- you got your douchebag in my peanut butter! hey, you got your peanut butter in my douchebag! -- and we may or may not agree with Senator Edwards on many things.

But he can just go to hell right now, on general principles.

6) Pro Bowl Fever -- Catch It!

Will Tony Romo lead the NFC to victory? Can Tom Brady become the new Peyton Manning and roll up big numbers? Can someone get the career-ending injury that guts keeper fantasy league owners, leading to the eventual cancellation of the game? And why can't the winning conference get the home game for the SB next year, so that this time, the Pro Bowl counts?

(Oh, because that would be unspeakably stupid? Right. Sorry we mentioned it.)

The SB That Made Us Want Diabetes

(Image is from the Heart Association's ad that shows your heart is a sad old wimp who gets his ass kicked on the street by leather-clad Risk Factors. Check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKALBN8AsUs.)

Ten points from a wet ugly mess of a game...

1) Once again, if you bet with Mean Old Grandpa Carl, you'd be in the money. It's all about the experience.

2) Was anyone else worried when Prince came out and the lightning strike hit? He'd have left a little purple spot on the stage. But damn, he's still the shit. Nice Devil Dick silhouette action, and the man did the impossible of making a marching band cool. Golf clap.

3) The NFL Network produced the halftime show... and yet, Prince was seen by more than 10% of the audience, it didn't suck, and he didn't get laryngitis halfway through the set. A monumental success for the network!

4) There were six first-half turnovers, including four on back to back plays, with only seven points resulting from them. The last FTT saw this much slop, our ex-wife was involved.

5) Most inexplicable strategy of the night: when the Bears blitzed Manning, they generally got off the field, and never got burned by it. So they limited their blitzes to about 5 to 10% of plays, and spent the night giving up critical third downs.

FTT gets that you don't want to get into a big-play shootout with the Colts. But when you don't adjust to the game that's happening, you deserve to lose.

6) This year's Walter Payton award winners for the NFL's best people... Tomlinson and Brees. So, you have to be a raging asshole to get to the SB? (Hmm...)

7) What part of the night defined Sexy Rexy for you... falling on his ass for two straight sacks in the third quarter, or the two back-breaking bad throws into coverage for picks in the fourth? David Woodley's place in NFL history (Worst Starting QB who was excused for his "inexperience") is no longer secure. Bears fans, you had a great year, and you're going to win your division again next year... but you'll never win a SB with him.

8) Best Pussy Move of the Night: Indy avoiding Hester on kickoffs. FTT kept waiting for Vinateri to just kick the ball out of bounds intentionally and save everyone the running.

9) Some seamhead has shown that teams that score on kickoff returns actually lose more games than they win. FTT isn't really buying it, but after watching it happen in both the Pro Bowl and the BCS Championship, maybe there's something to it.

10) Frankly, we're amazed that the Bears didn't score a meaningless touchdown to blow the cover in the last minute. It would have made the night complete.

Now, who's ready for some Pro Bowl action? Anyone? Anyone?

FTT's First Advertiser

Ed. Note: Throughout FTT's long and storied history as The Sports Blog That Loves You Back, we've avoided advertising, for fear that it would cheapen the user experience.

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The Sports Priest

(Ed. Note: FTT apologizes for not being able to find the image of the priest in "Caddyshack" getting struck by lightning. By way of apology, enjoy the Judge in mid-meltdown. Boy, no one did meltdown better than Ted Knight.)

Is your devotion as a sports fan bothering you? Many fans find themselves lost in a world of moral relativism, fantasy allegiances and declining devotion. If your soul is thirsting for redemption, talk to FTT's resident Sports Priest.

Dear SP,

I'm a lifelong Peyton Manning hater who wound up stuck with him in my fantasy draft. Now he's led me to a championship and gotten to the Super Bowl. I don't want to root for this overexposed oaf, but after putting money in my pocket, I just can't get as annoyed by the stupid pre-snap nonsense and constant ads. Help me find my hate!

Malaised in Maryland

Dear Malaised,

My child, you have allowed your Sacred Hate to be bought off with 30 pieces of silver, and sold that which was most dear to you -- your ire -- for a pittance. Congratulations. Most of us never can move that merchandise, no matter how many times we mark it down.

Look into your heart and determine why, exactly, you hate the Meat Cutter. Are the reasons pure -- did he beat your team, fail to beat the team you hate the most, or make you hate him through some other, meaningful reason? Or is your hate just the result of reading some writer or media figure, or a backlash against some other writer?

If your hate is pure, it will come back to you, and you will be richer for it. If it is not, you are better for losing it.

Dear SFC,

As a credentialed media member, I'm supposed to be covering the Super Bowl. Instead, I find myself whoring myself out to radio shows, following NBA players like a groupie, raving about Miami like a frat boy on Spring Break, and writing thousands of words about getting wood from a washed-up tennis skank. Scores of bloggers have pointed this out, but I just can't stop, and I'm worried that I'm becoming a parody of myself. How do I stop?

Bilious in South Beach

Der Bilious,

Any writer that forgets their audience, or becomes contemptuous of them, is someone who has entered into a spiral of destruction. Blame should also go to your editor and publisher, who have enabled this behavior. Consider a sabbatical.

Dear SFC,

As a Bears fan, I'm sickened by the media's coverage of my team, and our underdog status. And yet, I find myself strangely thankful for it as well, since it will mean a greater emotional payoff for me when the Bears win. Is this dishonest?

Illinois Truth

Dear Truth,

You're drinking from the cup of artificial antagonism -- the idea that just because someone has a different opinion than yours, they must be wrong, stupid, and punished. If you are right about the Bears, they will feel all of this without you pointing it out.

Of course, pointing it out is entirely the point of Sports Fandom, so indulge with a clear conscience.

Dear SFC,

I'm a political progressive who likes the Colts in the SB, but doesn't want to due to the following three factors. (1) Condi Rice has predicted a Colts win, and being on the same side as her in any issue makes me very nervous. (2) Tony Dungy has plans to speak to an anti-gay group, which makes him about as likable to me as Rush Limbaugh. (3) Indiana is a red state, while Chicago and Illinois is as blue as you can get in the Midwest. Is my Colts fandom morally justifiable?

Wavering in Washington

Dear Wavering,

Mixing politics with sports is strictly non-kosher in the Sports Confessional. The game is played between the lines, and unless these factors can be found to have an impact there, they are nothing but noise. (Although, a nice consolation should the Bears pull off the upset.)

Peace be with you!

Top 10 Unsold Free-Lance Story Pitches for SB XLI

1) True advertising effectiveness of past Super Bowl ads, with actual market share numbers

2) Trivia contest of past SB halftime entertainers


3) South Beach Pub Crawl with Jim Harbaugh and Jim Miller

4) History of the Bears-Colts rivalry

5) The Sportswriter's Expense Account: Where It All Goes

6) Baltimore: Still Harboring Revenge Fantasies Against Colts?

7) Is Tony Romo prank calling Hunter Smith and Brad Maynard?

8) Bears vs. Colts Cheerleaders - Stats-Only Tale of the Tape

9) Conference Won-Loss Record in Coin Flips

10) Pro Bowl predictions