Blogrolling: I Am Veto Vomiting. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

I am Veto Vomiting, and the Five Tool Ninja is Balls Horror. Who are you?

Back to back Blogrollings with Punch Out stories? You bet your body blow.

Some small, mean part of me is very, very happy to know that NASCAR Fan has to suffer with even more regrettable Fox animation than we do in the NFL. East Coast Bias with the story.



I'm just including this here to make Dirty Davey's head explode over how a Dookie will never, ever be called for traveling. On the plus side, Scheyer must be amazing on the dance floor with all of his teammates, and that's even before the poe dancer presses charges. (Oh, I'm so unfair to Dookies! Please, for the love of Coach K, throw me into the brier patch of links from Duke sites!)

Jim Bowden, the mostly incompetent GM of your Washington Nationals (well, they certainly aren't mine), decides to resign rather than be a distraction for an investigation of how he's been skimming money from the club on Dominican signings. What a selfless resignation! What a great guy! What an utter load of horse manure! Biz of Baseball has the sword fall, but, um, Jim? Innocent people don't quit over allegations.

Here's An Idea: Lose Over Half Of Your On-Air "Talent"

In a shocking development, Fox is looking to -- get this -- cut some production costs on sports.

Fox Sports chairman David Hill confirmed during a conference call ahead of this weekend's Daytona 500 festivities that the network has done some trimming behind the scenes. And it's not just in the NASCAR telecasts; Hill said that the past year and a half has been one where Fox Sports has been looking "minutely at every one of our productions," and that includes the NFL and MLB on Fox.

Travel costs have been cut back and deals with vendors -- when it comes to power, catering and mobile production units -- have been renegotiated. Fox Sports has cut by a day the time that it takes to build its compound. And it has partnered with ESPN to save costs, with the networks hiring the same technicians who work Saturday at Daytona for ESPN and then Sunday for Fox Sports. In the past, there would have been two teams of technicians.

See, kids, the worst economy in our lifetime (assuming you aren't in your low 80s) *does* have a bright side!

Redneck Recession Rut Roh

From today's Ad Age...

Once-unstoppable, Nascar is watching its fan base erode, TV ratings slip and marketers slam the brakes on sponsorships. CEO Brian France says Nascar's sponsorship revenue in 2009 will be flat. In comparison, sponsors spent $150 million more last year than the year before. France and others are fretting over whether the organization could actually lose money next year.

Of Nascar's 42 full-time drivers, 12 currently do not have primary sponsors for the 2009 season. That's a big problem, since at least 75% of Nascar's budget comes from sponsors. Top sponsors pay $18 million to $20 million to be featured on a driver's car for all 38 races.

As for advertising, advertisers spent about $539 million on TV ads surrounding Nascar programming this year, down from about $567 million in 2007. This year also marks the third consecutive season that the sport has suffered from declining TV ratings.

Going to have to move more Thomas Kinkade paintings, y'all...

The year's NASCAR moment and post

You are looking live at the Thomas Kinkade NASCAR painting, which was advertised to me during tonight's MNF action.

I present it here just so that I can bathe in the beauty of its sheer awesomeness. As a relative who shall remain nameless has said, it's an entirely different painting in afternoon light, as opposed to morning light. (Yes, really.)

Either that, or I'm mocking the very existence of these two great frauds that go so wrong together, as part of a lovable character trait of mocking what other people like. You make the call!

Happy 50th

Today in Japan, noted wank aid Danica Patrick won her first race in her 50th start, in an event where she took advantage of the leaders miscalculating their fuel needs.

There are 2 obvious but fun points that I'd like to make here. Along with posting a photo that's going to get the site a lot of clicks from people who aren't aware that there are other sites on the Web that work more effectively for That Sort of Thing. (The quest for porn, she is endless.)

1) Since women as a general rule weigh less than men, auto racing is an event where they have a physical advantage. Patrick's competitors, and those who like to denigrate her accomplishments, are fond of pointing this out... without the corollary of belittling every male athlete in every other sport for just being physically advantaged over women. (An aside for anyone who might actually know the answer to this question... are there Patricks in horse racing? I remember Julie Krone in the 80s, but that was a long time ago.)

2) Does Patrick's win further hasten the Apocalypse for NASCAR fan? I'm looking for the day when that circuit is overrun by rail-thin minority women drivers that make the fan base all stand as one and find some new cocoon of White Male Sports Purity. (Say, for instance, MLB, now that blacks are down to 6% of the workforce, but with the Hispanic and Asian influence, maybe that won't cut it. Bowling, anyone?)

NASCAR fans don't need help...

to see things that don't exist. That's what the meth and bathtub gin is for.

From Awful Announcing via With Leather, and sponsored by the same dipshit mentality that brought you the Red Hot Puck and many, many things that I'm blocking out of my mind because My Mind Is A Happy Place... well, play it, already. In case you're wondering, ESPN is accused of this nonsense.



As always, I have to wonder what's next. Flatulence waves for quarterbacks when they're sacked? Yellow dribbles down the front of struggling closers? Smoke pouring out of the ears of irate coaches? In the words of the late great Bill Hicks on the Easter Bunny, so long as we're making shit up...

FTT Explains NASCAR To Our Seven Year Old Daughter

Ed Note: This fulfills our annual Sports Blogger requirement to say something about NASCAR. This gets harder every year...

Every weekend, a bunch of white guys get together to drive really fast.

They don't really go anywhere.

When they have to pee, they don't stop to go to the bathroom.

Instead, they pee on themselves.

When they run low on gas or wear out their tires, they fill up and change them really quickly.

Eventually, someone messes up and nearly kills himself, and others.

It's kind of like fireworks.

Only with more injuries, and sometimes, deaths.

The people watching are also white.

They drink grown up drink and yell.

No girls do this.

Probably because girls don't generally want to pee their pants.

No, we're not going.

Now go to bed!

Mail Bag Day

Fill up our word hole (heh heh) in the comments. You can also write to us at shoot out at mail city dot com. (And yes, I'm spelling it out just to frustrate spambots.)

Dear FTT,

Saw your cheap shot at the Yankees for signing the Rocket. Why don't you just admit that you are just jealous that your team doesn't care enough to really try to win?

- Wade from Staten Island

"The poor don't want a revolution. They just want more money." -- the graphic novel "From Hell"

Look, the issue isn't so much that the Yankees can take on (another) ridiculous contract as part of their Champion of Each Other / Coke v. Pepsi war with the Red Sox.

(Side note: People should start laying off Carl Pavano already. With the Kei Igawa Experience this year, he's not the biggest bust in Yankee history -- he's not even the biggest bust of the year. All the pressure is off now!)

Rather, the issue is that we're going back in time -- back to the early 20th century era where teams simply bought players from lower leagues, and competitive balance suffered.

Competitive balance is a tricky thing -- too much, you get the recent NFL seasons of malaise mediocrity, which only the league's unstoppable PR cheerleading covers up. Too little, you get the MLB years of today, where a dozen teams start the year with the very strong suspicion that they have no chance.

So what's the solution? Not, believe it or not, greater revenue sharing. We're also not going to pool all local and stadium revenues and create a hard cap for all. Beyond the fact that it will never happen, you'd also be creating a nakedly socialist play -- you know, just like the NFL and NBA -- and socialism never works. Just ask our liberal media. (Yes, yes, that's a cheap shot digression. Moving on.)

Rather, I want to see the Bill James "Revolution" option -- outlaw working relationships between the major and minor leagues, then treat MLB like it was the English Premier League. There, the worst teams get moved down to a lower division, and the best teams move up.

Since there would be no farm teams, there would also be no real need for a player draft that's larger than the NBA equivalent. Right away, you create a good moment for the MLB, who has never had any real public interest in its draft.

The top teams get to toss revenue sharing out the window and push themselves to oblivion. The middle teams get their own championships. The lower teams get to develop their local talent and fan bases and create actual, honest pennant races and competition. MLB becomes more like college basketball -- complete with a big tourney at the end of the year, if that floats your boat -- with people all over the country caring not just about their fantasy players, but their real, live, local teams.

And the rest of us get to stop paying attention to the GMs, and start paying attention to the games. The games are better.

Just how many of these letters are real, anyway? - Eric Blair, London

Ignorance is Wisdom, my friend.

Why don't you cover the Stanley Cup Playoffs?
- Brian Poppel, Charlotte

Short mean answer: Because then we'd also have to cover curling. (SWEEP!)

Medium and somewhat true answer: We tried to bring on a new writer to cover the event, but he was too busy waxing his cat.

Longer anecdotal answer: A few months ago, I met up with some guys from my high school days. I played street hockey with them back in the day, went to NHL games, and even started an NHL fantasy league. Not to be an ass about this, but none of them had moved since high school, or seemed very excited about their work or lives or families. They had also all put on a lot of weight, and they no longer really seemed to care about any sport but hockey.

Let's just say that it didn't make me want to go and scout up for next year's draft, or start figuring out which relentlessly white mullet-headed announcer made the most sense. (You want to know the real problem with the NHL? It's Canadian. There, I just threw a whole country under the bus. Let's get it on, Habs!)

As for the NHL, they are in a cycle where the choir will grow while the congregation will shrink (if you catch my meaning).

So watch for longer mullets. And not a whole lot more words.

Why don't you cover NASCAR?
- Mike Kennedy, Tallahasse

See above, and change very little.

What the hell am I reading? (Babel Fish translation)
- Miguel Sanchez, Guatemala

Judging from the site traffic logs that we now think about far too much, you are relentlessly looking for porn. Have some. We'll even make it old school for you.

(Just in case you wondered why sports blogs always go for cheerleader shots, despite the fact that, since we're all in Media 0.1, we're all gay. And liberal.)