Epic Drop: Top 11 reasons why Jeff Kent donated $15,000 to stop gay marriage

A fun little list for a fun little guy tonight, folks. And rather than give you a dour little image of the Hitlerian second sacker, I went with a great little guitar tune. We can't be seen together, indeed.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Things That God Values in Tom Brady

Look, let's make this real slow and simple for the mouth breathers... no one, but no one, should want to hear Star Quarterback talking about what God does and doesn't value. We already know that you find yourself to be super neato cool and keen and better than the rest of us non-Immortals; you don't need, and really should not want, to go down the path of giving us the 411 on what the Big Guy values.

His (and by His, I mean the celestial) reasons are his own, Mr. Brady. For all we know, he chose to give you the gifts that he did because He enjoys a tight spiral as a piece of aesthetic beauty. Or that He needed the people who bet on your games last year to suffer or benefit in the exact fashion as it happened. Or that He does value football so much that he just lets it play out as random chance, rather than getting in the tug of prayer war chess match. Given the number of tools that have experienced success at the NFL level, maybe he's just using the outcomes of the games to test our faith, Job style.

The point is that when you presume to speak for the motivations of the divine, you are sending the not-so-subtle message that you could only divine these meanings through your Nearer to God Than Thee intellect and insight.

And if that's the case... why, exactly, have you lost in the playoffs to Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Ways In Which The Braves Betrayed Jeff Francoeur

A quite heavenly little list here for the latest example of how the athlete who has found a very public religious calling might not be, well, someone you want to take a lot of spiritual guidance from. Here's the money quote...

After three years, after playing hurt, playing every day, going in every day whether I got a hit and never complaining, I just played because Bobby [Cox] kept putting me in the lineup. But I just felt like a little three-minute thing -- 'Hey, you're going down' -- I feel like after three years, I was owed a little more of an explanation... You almost felt like they had made [their minds] up before the game. That's where I felt frustrated, where I felt a little betrayed.

No, seriously.

For the record, Francoeur also makes $460,000 a year, so perhaps his playing every day might not just be a sign of his impeccable nobility.

I don't mean to completely throw a guy under a bus for an unfortunate quote, but Pwecious does know that he's been hitting like a back-up infielder this year, right? And that the Braves are six games under .500 and in danger of becoming completely irrelevant in the NL East and wild-card races, despite the fact that the top teams in their division are all incredibly flawed?

A small note to any and all athletes that might stumble upon these words... teams do not betray you, because that involves having any faith or fealty in you in the first place. Look out amongst your fellow ballplayers, and gaze deeply at your Milton Bradleys, your Elijah Dukes, your Jeff Kents. Consider the idea that, if a team had its druthers, it might prefer to employ people who are not, you know, completely amoral pricks... but that the ability to hit the ball is more or less independent of how Gosh Darn Nice you are. It's a business, ya moron, and one man's "betrayal" is another man's "trying to win some freaking games." Sheesh.

Blog Me Two Times, Baby

Nation,

I've been invited to join a superblog (that's like a blog, but super) called Fun House Rejects. The ringleader over there is DC Scrap, and I'm proud to be his little dancing monkey. It was either that, or drive the damn car. And nothing stinks more than a contorted clown.

Anyway, when I've thrown something new over at FHR, you'll see a link to it here on FTT.

(Ed. Note: Site's still private at this point, so here's the post. Anyway, y'all get the gist now.)

Top 10 Reasons God Has Forsaken Kurt Warner

Greetings, sports clown enthusiasts. I'll be the dancing monkey at this little freakfest. Oh, and Hat Tip to the Sports Hernia for the image.

10) Bill Bidwell radiates an aura that prayer can not escape

9) One word: Brenda

8) Once Kurt got older than Jesus, he just stopped being cute

7) Just can't take the fumbling

6) Has to balance out the prayers of millions of gamblers, too

5) Once you work for Tom Coughlin, grace takes a vacation

4) Thought he could have put more effort into his book

3) Still bent over the loss of NFL Europe

2) Enjoys favoring the Niners, just to mess with he fundamentalists

and the number one reason...

1) The Arizona Cardinals are Job's team

* * * * *

Finally, rest assured that this is all still part of the great plan to Conquer Antarctica. The penguins are doomed.