Why Ichiro Is Awesome, Part #8063

I don't know if these quotes are legit, or if it's just that the man has a mischievous translator, but the world needs to hear more of the comedy stylings of Ichiro, the star outfielder for those moribund Mariners. (Ever notice how moribund is only ever used by hacky sportswriters reaching for alliteration? I'd say more about this, but it's a rainy day list idea for the Carnival.)

After Friday’s error-filled loss to the previously puttering (see? Alliteration!) Yankees, Suzuki told Seattle reporters that the team seemed to be falling apart.

"If I was objectively watching this team and what’s been happening, I’d be drinking a lot of beer and booing," he said.

Somehow, I suspect he'd also be doing some kind of rhythmic yoga as he did it, so that he could drink more beer, more quickly than anyone else....

We're Just Disgusted By This

From today's Wall Street Journal...

The changes to Bud.TV will include a variety of new features, such as a social-networking component and shorter videos -- about one minute each -- rather than the longer programs (usually about six minutes) that now dominate the site. Even the much-hyped "The Joe Buck Show," which shows the sports commentator interviewing celebrities in New York City cabs, will likely come to an end soon.

For all of us still holding out a candle in the window for the safe return of QUITE FRANKLY STEPHEN A. SMITH MAY HAVE A HEARING PROBLEM, this would be too much to bear.

Reconsider, Corporate Beer Barons -- or Randy Moss is going to drop trou. PATRIOT TROU.

You Can Really Taste The Losing

Item: A-Busch is launching a team-specific packaging campaign for "more than 12 million cases of 111 different customized bottles, cans and aluminum bottles, which will be distributed in 26 team markets."

Which leads us to the following five questions, which y'all can feel free to answer in the comments, or not...

1) Would you drink a beer from the can of a hated rival, even if it was the same beer that was in your team's can?

2) When throwing beer at opposing athletes, is it important for it to come from your team's can?

3) Why doesn't anyone ever do this with wine, chewing tobacco or crack?

4) Will Cubs fans realize that, no matter what's on the label, they're drinking a St. Louis product, and are they too drunk already to care?

5) Shouldn't some teams have to have cheaper and worse beer. since MLB doesn't rein in the rich teams on anything else? (We're seeing the Brewers drinking Old Milwaukee, the Pirates going for Iron City, and the Royals with rusty cans of Sterno.)