What I'm Saving You People From

The follow is a chat from Five Tool Ninja and the Original Mookie, that was then forwarded to me to use as a post. It was inspired by Travis Henry's marijuana arrest.

Top Eleven Topics That Have Been Completely Drained of All Potentially Humorous Content

11. The futility of the Cubs.

Example: Q - How bad have the Cubs been for the past 100 years?

A - They haven't won a World Series title since 1908.

10. Brett Favre's retirement status

Example: Q - Why is Brett Favre considering a comeback?

A - I was once in Green Bay on a Sunday afternoon in November, and the Burger King was actually quite crowded.

9. Fantasy sports geekiness.

Example: Q - How many fantasy sports geeks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A - When joining a fantasy sports league, many players choose a humorous team name that exaggerates their sexual prowess, or implies that others in the league may not be heterosexual.

8. Najeh Davenport

Example: Q - How many NFL career TDs does Najeh Davenport have?

A - That's disgusting.

7. Soccer

Example: Q - Why don't soccer players use their hands?

A - They're from Europe.

6. Chris Berman's nicknames.

Example: Q - What was Chris Berman's nickname for Curtis Martin?

A - I don't believe he had one.

5. Boston sports renaissance

Example: Q - How many championships have Boston teams won collectively since 1999?

A - I hate you.

4. Mike Piazza's heterosexuality.

Example: Q - Why does Mike Piazza have a moustache?

A - Despite his shaky defense toward the end of his career, he's widely considered to be the best hitting catcher of all time.

3. The lameness of top ten lists

Example: Q - Why are DMt's posts so lame?

A - He's probably unmarried, and living in his mom's basement.

2. The NHL

Example: Q - What does NHL stand for?

A - Hockey gets terrible TV ratings.

1. Steroid use in the MLB

Example: Q - Why did the former HR champ cross the road?

A - To inject himself in the buttocks with steroids.

If At First You Don't Succeed.... Stop Trying

My fantasy football league has its live draft a week from today. It’s a 14 team league in which I’ve participated the past 4 or 5 years. I’ve never made it into the playoff round. The problem is I’ve never been a huge NFL fan. I’ve been a fan of individual teams, but have never paid enough attention to what the rest of the league is doing. So I pretty much suck at fantasy football.

I’ve tried no draft prep in the past where I print off the live draft results from ESPN.com and work off of those. I’ve also tried putting in hours of prep time and coming up with a matrix sheet of picks depending on who goes in front of me. Neither seemed to work.

But this year, I have a new plan. I’m going to let a software program do all the work for me. A buddy of mine sent me this program that recommends who to pick in each round based on what you and the other owners have selected so far in the draft. I just took a run through on the product and it seems pretty cool. You can enter in your league's scoring system so it can calculate the best picks for you by round. Basically, each time a player is picked, you click that player’s name and it is off the board. The program has a name, but I’m calling it the Costanza 3000 based on the episode where George decides to quit life and just wear jogging suits every day.

I realize that this plan is rife with pitfalls. The biggest one being the idea of using a machine to make your picks. But I see the upside in this. When my team sucks again, I’ll just blame the software. This will also allow me to spend all my time during the draft questioning other people’s picks and bothering them while they are thinking about their next picks. Heckling is really what I do best anyway.

Another plus is I’m taking dorkdom to a new level. Let’s face it, fantasy sports participants are pretty much dorks. My wife tells me this 3 times a year when I tell her it’s draft night. And spreadsheets are so 2001. I love the guys who have pages and pages of sheets of data. If you don’t have a software program with you on draft day you’re really not trying. And that is my plan precisely.

It's not even September yet

Yet Cubs fans are in full panic mode. I have never seen a fan base that deserves their team more than the Cubs. These fans are about as delusional as the Cubs have been bad over the years. And as a Cards fan living in Chicago, this has been one entertaining year.

First things first. This might possibly be the worst division in MLB – ever. I’m not convinced that the winner of the division is going to have a .500 record. It’s hard to watch this division play on a regular basis. Funny thing is, you read blogs or hear people talking on the train about how well the Cubs are playing and that this is their year. Fact is they’re 16-16 over the past 5 weeks. Normally, that won’t get it done. But in the Central, anything is possible.

I also love that Cubs fans have been down on the Cards all year. Even yesterday as I was driving home I was listening to some Chicago talk radio, these clowns said there was no chance of the Cards coming back. How can any person who knows anything about baseball say that? In this division – the Reds are still in it. Well guess what Cub fans? The Cards (who are the hottest team in the division right now by the way) are only 3.5 games out of first. And they have a 4 game road trip at Wrigley starting tomorrow. And while the Cubs 2 “aces” Zambrano and Lilly were getting shelled by the Reds at home the past two nights, Kip Wells and Joel Pineiro were throwing gems against the Brewers at Milwaukee. That’s right – Kip Wells and Joel Pineiro. Jim Edmonds and Scott Rolen have caught fire and Rick Ankiel is looking like Roy Hobbs. All I can say is these guys have played in October and know how to get there. The Cubs, well, not so much.

Look, do I think the Cubs can win this whole thing? Yes, I do. I also don’t think OJ did it. I’m not ruling out anyone in this division. It’s terrible. The NL Central winner will be the team that sucks the least. But I do know this. The Cubs always find a way to lose. I think we’re already seeing that. You’d think they’d get more wins after spending $300 million this off season.

Celtics Courting Reggie

According to ESPN.com the Boston Celtics have reached out to Reggie Miller about a comeback.

Check out the desperation here.

Dude, Where's My Car?

God bless you Cubs fans. As a life long Cardinals fan, I just love the entertainment that the Cubs and their fans provide me. The latest bit of amusement out of the Cubs fans is their new rally cry “It’s Gonna Happen!” I find this to be hilarious on so many levels. (You can read a nice, warm and fuzzy article in SI’s July 30th issue about it.)

Let’s start with the ambiguity of it. It doesn’t really describe what “it” is. In fact, I know what “it” is. “It” will be when the Cubs completely fall apart down the stretch. We got to see a glimpse of “it” last night. The Cubs could have ended up tied for the NL Central lead last night with a win over the Phillies. Instead they managed to only get 3 hits in a 4-1 loss. The Completely Useless By September squad is getting a head start here in July.

With this club’s history, do you really want to tempt fate with such an ominous slogan as “It’s Going to Happen?” The baseball gods have a sense of humor. The Cubs history proves that. Maybe we'll see Lou give the ball to Zambrano as he leaves a crucial game in the 8th inning ala Dusty Baker a few years ago. Who will be this year’s Bartman? Will Soriano and Ramirez knock each other out going for a short fly ball to left field? Maybe Wrigley will finally fall apart and the Cubs will be forced to play at the Cell. Whatever it may be, you can count on “it” happening to the Cubs. I would go ahead now and change the slogan to “Shit’s Gonna Happen” or a take off of Ernie Banks slogan “We’re screwed! Let’s play two.”

But my favorite part of this rallying cry is that the phrase is copyrighted. That’s fine. However, check out the font associated with the copyrighted slogan. These dumb ass Cubs fans are not even smart enough to use their own font. Check out the photo above. That’s right Red Sox fans, they’re using your font and color scheme. This in itself shows why the Cubs will always be losers.

Oh, on a side note. Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune wrote an article back in May basically singing the praises of Jason Marquis and how the Cardinals fans must be sick that they lost Marquis to the Cubs. This was right after Marquis had recorded back to back wins against the Cards. No, Rick, we’re not. We know what he is and what he isn’t. For only $21 million the Cubs were able to secure a pitcher who has 2 wins and a 7.36 ERA since June. Where’s your follow up article Rick?

Take That Foot Out Of Your Mouth, Lance

Lance Briggs signed the one year franchise player offer from the Bears yesterday. This after he said he would never play for the Bears again.

From ESPN.com:

In an interview with ESPN.com in March, Briggs didn't mince words about Chicago, the Bears and his teammates.

"There's a difference between the Chicago Bears team and the Chicago Bears organization," Briggs said. "The Chicago Bears team? The coaches, players, city and fans? Yeah, I could stay there forever. I love it. But the Chicago Bears organization? I don't want to be there anymore. I won't play for them and I'll do everything in my power to keep from playing there."

"Whatever options are available to me, I'll take advantage of them. But going back and playing for the Bears again, no, I don't see that as an option. Not one more day. Not at all."

When Drew Rosenhaus is your agent and you take his advice, you usually end up regret taking it. Just ask TO.

Take a Sedative Bob

I love when politicians get involved with sports. It always ends in comedy. Currently, Senator Mitchell’s probe of baseball keeps me giggling. He’s been at it a year and finally just got one player to sit down with him and talk – off the record of course. And who could forget that side show of the hearings Congress put on with current and former players? You had Raffy Palmeiro openly lying that he never used steroids – read his lips, it’s all there. Mark McGwire was there but didn’t want to talk about the past. Apparently nobody told him that is what you do at hearings. And the best part. Sammy Sosa acting like this was the first time he was hearing English as he sat there with his interpreter and played the non-English speaking immigrant role.

Whenever politicians have anything to do with sports I get excited because you know some You Tube moments are about to follow. Which leads me to this. Did you see Sen. Robert Byrd’s speech last week basically condemning Michael Vick to the special places in hell? Since Sen. Byrd is from West Virginia, he probably would know where those special places are – hidden somewhere in his home state. Here’s what he had to say (taken from the Washington Post):

"It is a brutal, sadistic event motivated by barbarism of the worst sort and cruelty of the worst, worst, worst, sadistic kind," Byrd said in a 24-minute address on the matter. "One is left wondering: Who are the real animals? Who are the real animals, who are the real animals -- the creatures inside the ring or the creatures outside the ring?...

The Book of Proverbs in the Holy Bible, the King James Bible, tells us a righteous man regardeth the life of his beast but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel," Byrd said. "The immortal Dante tells us the divine justice reserves special places in Hell for certain categories of sinners. Madam president, I am confident -- madam president, I am confident that the hottest places in Hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God's creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt! I yield the floor."

Now I’m not defending what Michael Vick has been accused of (still innocent until proven guilty). I love dogs and hate to see any animal abused the way those dogs were. But for any politician, especially Senator Byrd to condemn someone for their actions like that is ridiculous. This is a man who is a former KKK member and recruiter, refused to serve in WWII because "I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side", voted against the 1964 Civil Rights Act and as recently as 2001 used the N word. Oh yeah, he also was the only Democrat to vote to censure Bill Clinton, is against gay marriage or allowing homosexuals to serve in the military and opposes affirmative action. Maybe a hard look in the mirror would have done him some good before giving his supercilious speech.

Now this is a sports blog and should be contained to sports, not politics, and not about who is going to hell. But I must point out to Bob that he should stick to bigger issues at hand – the war in Iraq, the current housing problem, health care, social security reform and other important issues instead of wasting time and money on a speech that his own fellow Senators were not in attendance to hear. And in terms of Mr. Vick – get a good lawyer. It seems like you’re going to need one.

The Art of the Trade

Every fantasy league has one. The one guy who is constantly looking for a trade. And not just any trade. The lopsided, ridiculous trade offer that you don’t even consider. He usually ends up flipping the majority of his roster twice during the season. He’s the guy that offers you Duncan and Hennessey for Pujols. “Hey, AP’s numbers are down. Duncan is raking and has 1B eligibility. Hennessey is closing for the Giants now too.” No matter how many times you tell him no, he’ll 1)respond that you don’t look at the numbers enough; 2)Resend you similar offers of other bums for the same stud you have; or 3)find some other sucker to trade with. He always gets his man.

I play in the same baseball, basketball and football leagues each year. By same, I mean we have about an 80-90% return rate. So you get to know the guys in each league. And in all three of these leagues is the guy who beats you down for trades. Our trade aficionado – let’s call him the Professor - spends most of his time trolling for trades. He used to drive me crazy with the offers and responses to rejections. His constant crap offers, over and over and over. But then it hit me. This guy is a genius.

In college we all had one buddy that would hit on anything. The thought was eventually someone would say yes. His thinking was you had to throw out a lot of lines to see what stuck. And amazingly, this guy ended up scoring some quality women. It wasn’t just the pure quantity of attempts, but he got his rap down after doing it so many times. The Professor in many ways is like this. He’ll try with the hot girls first (the league veterans) and try to rip out a stud. A couple of years ago I traded Bosh (right before his break out year) for Steve Francis. Ouch. His smooth double talk convinced me. If he can’t score there, he moves on to the rookies. Kind of like closing time at the bars in college – the pick up artist moves in for the wounded gazelles.

I’ve come to admire the Professor’s drive and determination. Say what you will about his offers, but he is consistently in the playoffs of all three leagues. I’m here to say do not disparage this man any longer. Let us celebrate his Troy Tulowitzki and Kevin Gregg offer for Carlos Beltran. Let us embrace his excel spreadsheets with hard data on why you should take that trade. Let us revel in his reply to your rejection of the trade when he gives you the reasons why you are lacking stats in certain categories. This is free, excellent advice and insights that we are so quick to ignore. How blind we have become.

So today I say to the Professor, thank you. Thank you for showing the rest of us how to not sit on our hands. Thank you for your willingness to accept the rejection and disparaging remarks. Thank you for playing the game your way and accepting no alternatives. I respect your resolve. Now how about I trade you Dustin Pedroia and Marcus Giles for Matt Holiday?