FTT Off-Topic: A Brief Note To My 14 Year Old Musical Self

Also, That Belt's Gotta Go

Not sports, move along or don't.

Hey, me? I've been thinking about you some this past few weeks, what with the Facebook meme of people talking about their teenage albums, and how, um, I'm not going to share all of mine. Mostly because, yeah, you were *way* too much into The Doors.

I get it, I get it -- the times you grew up in were not rife with guys who, well, sang like guys. Which is pretty much the only way you can sing, or want to, and you want to -- don't worry, that's going to happen, though in ways you're going to regret -- and short of being the only 14 year-old in the greater Philadelphia area who is somehow hip to the Replacements and Husker Du, you're pretty much screwed in your era. (Just wait out Michael Jackson, who is in fact a kid-touching creep that you'll be happy to avoid. Prince will save you.)

But, um, you do get that lyrics like "They've got the guns, but we've got the numbers" just aren't going to be something you want to get behind in a few decades, right? Here's a fun fact: guns beat numbers. Especially when they've got *good* guns. "Gonna win, we're taking over"? Look, Jim was a fine symbol of Not Happy at a time that really needed it, but he could barely make it to the gig and remain clothed. He's not taking over anything. And you knew this all the way, since it's not as if the sum'bitch wasn't already a decade in the ground when you got into him. (Spoiler alert: the death wasn't faked. He dead.)

So, maybe open up the listening pool a bit more than memorizing all of the lines in "Celebration of the Lizard." Poem is 15 freaking minutes long, dude, and trust me -- it never, ever, got you any. Probably *prevented* it, actually. If you must memorize some crazy long poem, and honestly, you don't -- there's going to be an Internet that will make all of that even more pointless than it already is -- go for Shakespeare. Or Byron. Or something from, gasp, Not A White Guy. You really should go for as much Not A White Guy as you can, honestly. It'd make much of your future so much easier.

Anyway, a few more quick points before I take off. I know you love Pink Floyd and think Really Deep And Dark Thoughts about that; those will fade, but it won't be so bad, because the albums hold up. You can steer out of that Prog Rock skid any time you like, honest, and while I'm proud of you for not hating Rap nearly as long as everyone else in your world, try to be a bit quicker on the draw there, too. Those Dire Straits albums are fine, and the sooner you realize that the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen aren't responsible for their radio overplay, the better. Same for Zeppelin. Honest, you'll get there. That guy Brian Kennedy you met? Stick with him. He'll get you into stuff that lasts.

Oh, and there's going to be this thing called Google, and Amazon, and you should buy shares of it. As much as you can, really. More important than college. (Oh, and apply to more colleges. Sheesh, you were really a mess...)