The Rio Olympics Could Inspire A New Era In Golf

Olympic Golf Fever: Catch It

So there's a story out this week about the upcoming absurdist nightmare that will be the 2016 Rio Olympic Games. Independent of the Zika virus, the fact that the president might be impeached any minute now, the cratering economy and the fact that the World Cup has already plundered the place not very long ago, this...

Yeah, the golf course is overrun with the world's largest rodents (capybara tracks are all over the bunkers, and we're talking about beasts that are bigger than large dogs), and a massive amount of crocodile-like caiman.

No, seriously.

Now, I've played at golf courses -- many of them, actually -- where the wildlife played through, and I've got to say, I'm far more impressed by a pro golfer if they have the ability to focus past the elements. One of the prouder moments of my life was a two-putt from 40 feet as two massive bull mastiffs just watched on a par three, alone in the drizzle at Cobbs. You talk about pressure, that was pressure.

But it got me wondering -- couldn't we think more creatively about golf? Let's face it, in the post Tiger Era, with demographics and attention spans getting away from the game, it's high time to experiment with other sporting aspects that will appeal to the affluent male demographic.

Namely, MMA and firearms, with the biathlon -- that skeet shooting / cross-country hybrid that hits your conscious like a Russian fever dream every Winter Olympics -- as your model.

Consider, if you will, how much more watchable golf becomes when the player has to consider whether a long gun or handgun should take the place of a high iron or wedge in the bag. If there were judging on how you got your kill -- he ended that attack with his bare hands, then played the rest of his round shirtless, bleeding and screaming like a Berserker! -- and if your methods were evocative of your homeland. Can you complete your round while simply subduing the man-eating beasts that guard the back nine, without compromising pace of play? You'd never nap through golf again.

It's no more ridiculous than what will happen during these Games for real...