This Just In: Jeff Lurie Has No Plan

Sell, Jeff, Sell

So we're now well into Week Two of the Eagles' latest coaching search, and the club has:

> Interviewed RB coach Duce Staley, which was immediately belittled as the club's arbitrary nod to the Rooney Rule, as if spending years as the highest ranked African American on Chip Kelly's staff deserves tokenism

> Brought in and was seemingly impressed by Adam Gase, only to see him go to Miami

> Flew to Kansas City (I'm sorry) to interview old friend Doug Pedersen, who was Andy Reid's last pre-Donovan McNabb QB, and has spent most of the time since drawing a salary by remaining Andy Reid's Friend, but I guess keeping the Chiefs' offense afloat post Jamaal Charles injury deserves some form of compliment

> Listened to offensive coordinator and interim head coach Pat Shurmur, who probably doesn't have a shot at the gig because the only thing he does is give QB Sam Bradford a marginal feeling of comfort, and that's not enough to base a hire on

> Took a meeting with Tom Coughlin, who is 69 (sorry, I had him at 67 the other day, but yes, 69 is even funnier), fired for cause from his last gig, and able to be blocked by Big Blue for a year if they actually want to stick it to their division rivals

> Listened to Giants OC Ben McAdoo, who is young enough to actually be somewhat intriguing, but whose offense seems to be limited to Have Odell Beckham Jr and Rotate RBs Regardless of Talents or Skills

It's not as if anyone wants Chump Kelly back, but yeah, this hasn't been encouraging. There's been rumors about Jon Gruden (no one ever leaves a broadcast booth if they can help it, you mooks), Sean McDermott (he wants the gig, but the front office seemingly doesn't want him), and with each succeeding day, any number of other unrealistic long shots (Bill Cowher! Dick Vermeil! Some guy from college ball that will make the entire fan base assume the fetal position!), all of whom fill the need of Make Idiots Excited.

What's becoming increasingly obvious, with each day that this goes on, is that the team didn't go into this with too much of a clue, or a philosophy for the hire. There's been young guys, old guys, offensive guys, defensive guys, basically anything you might imagine. As if good organizations find great coaches by way of "American Idol" cattle calls.

Here's the thing, you mooks... the fan base *doesn't* need a name. The stadium is going to sell out regardless. After the last two years, you don't even need to make the playoffs, though heaven knows you can do that quite easily in the NFC lEast. All we really want is for someone to come in, have a plan, stick to it, develop some talent and delude us into thinking that maybe, just maybe, we've got a guy who is going to be here for a while and make us a real contender, rather than a smoke and mirrors outfit.

The Steelers didn't wow anyone when they hired Mike Tomlin. That's worked out. The Jets didn't wow anyone when they hired Todd Bowles. That's also seemed to work out reasonably well. The Vikings didn't set Twitter afire with Mike Zimmer. Seattle grabbed Pete Carroll years ago, didn't make ESPN go into Stop Everything And Yammer About It Mode.

For the past ten years, this franchise has neglected defense, and it's understandable; that's what the NFL has turned into, honestly. But it's also stayed away from ever just being able to assert their will in short yardage, of getting good LB play, of developing and retaining quality DBs, and has played musical chairs at QB. They also seem to still be pining for the glory days of when their coaching hire pissed off other cities (suck it, Cleveland!), as if that wasn't a path to Snyder / Jones Cul de Sac of Meh.

So, Jeffrey? Stop interviewing every name brand under the sun. Stop thinking your collection of mercenaries is just a good year away, because that good year ends with, at most, getting trucked in the Final 8 stage. Start developing an actual philosophy about your choice, with the idea that the next coach should be there in a decade, even if he's never Coach of the Year or someone that wins you off-season The Eagles Are Intriguing stories from clickbait artists. Save that nonsense for all of the other terrible franchises.

Because when you have no clue in the coaching search, and wind up just taking the guy that interviews best? That's how you become a terrible franchise, too.

(Oh, and is there any chance you'd sell the club, seeing as this is all seeming too hard for you? We promise it would win you all of those off-season headlines!)