Monday, October 25, 2010

NFL Week 7: You Crap The Bed

And we're back after a one-week outage due to Fox Cablevision Armageddon, with the game show that gives you the chance to put your wits against actual NFL personnel, making actual NFL money, in your bid to see if you are smarter than someone who is going to be subjected to national ridicule.

Today's show, as a make good for the past week and a half of profound irritation and as part of YardBarker's new deal with our Fox Overlords (Welcome, Fox Overlords!), is brought to you by the World Series, which will be more or less completely ignored by more than half of the country, and can't be seen at all by millions of people in the country's most prosperous media markets. (Oh, and with the Eagles on a bye week in Week 8, ESPN in Week 9, and NBC in Week 10, this also means that you can safely ignore this problem until Thanksgiving. And I'm sure we'll all get a big discount on our cable bills!) Plus, you get to either root for George Bush and Tom Hicks, or Barry Bonds and Brian Sabean. Catch it!

Now with that bit of commerce out of the way, let's all play... You Crap The Bed!

1) You are Eagles defensive coordinator Sean McDermott. As the second half of your game against the Titans in Nashville progresses, CB Ellis Hobbs is having an increasingly difficult time staying with WR Kenny Britt, who is a size mismatch and the Titans' only explosive weapon on a day where Chris Johnson is held to less than three yards a carry. Do you:

a) Reconfigure your defensive scheme so that top CB Asante Samuel locks on Britt for every play

b) Double cover Britt on every play, and try to get a jam on the line for each and every play, possibly by rotating in fresh backs on a day when the Eagle offense has controlled the ball for most of the day

c) Blitz Titans QB Kerry Collins from Britt's side, so that he's less able to plant and find the second-year wideout

d) Replace Hobbs with reserve backs Joselio Hanson, Dmitri Patterson, Jorick Colvin or Kurt Coleman, since it's not as if they could be doing any worse of a job than Hobs did in the second half, and this would allow you to tell the useful fiction that he was hurt, rather than just useless

e) Continue to more or less put Hobbs out on an island, and watch Britt collect over 80% of the Titans passing yards on the day, along with the most receiving yards ever registered against the team in over 75 years of play

If you chose (e), congratulations... you've crapped the bed! And you've won the team's first road loss of the year in a game that was yours for the taking, against a 37-year-old immobile back-up QB who was playing with a ruptured tendon in his hand. And you've also won serious doubts that Hobbs will ever be trusted or useful again, and that the defense is about to go on a merry-go-round of instabaility in the backfield. Well done!

2) You are Minnesota coach Brad Childress. Up 17-14 in your SNF game at Green Bay, you have two timeouts left and a first and 20 at your own 24 yard line after an offensive pass interference against Randy Moss negates a 49-yard play. There are 43 seconds left in the first half. Do you:

a) Continue to air it out, since Moss is the most dangerous deep threat alive, it's not like a field goal lead is going to stand up, and a get-even PI call could be huge

b) Give the ball to the electric Percy Harvin, who already has a touchdown earlier in the game and plainly terrifies the Packer faithful

c) Run Adrian Peterson, who has your other touchdown and is averaging 5 yards a carry, to see if you can move the sticks again, knowing that if you do, you can call timeout, and if you can't, the half ends without risk

d) Throw it to TE Visanthe Schiancoe, who is winning most of his matchups and could stretch the field down the middle

e) Decide that your single shot to Moss is more than enough excitement by running Peterson for a big gain, but just let the time run out, since those two timeouts will look good in your pocket in the half, and it's not like the entire nation won't remark about what a remarkable numbuts you are

If you've chose (e)... you've crapped the bed in a way that only Brad Childress can. And you've won your own offensive players, including the ever-committed Moss, question your judgement and confidence in their abilities before the half, setting the stage for a multiple pick second half by Favre that delighted every non-Viking Fan in the country. (Oh, and it also secretly delighted Viking Fan, too, seeing how more and more of them hate Favre and want him and Childress gone, too.) And we're not done with that SNF game...

3) You are Green Bay coach Mike McCarthy. Up 28-24 at home with just over 12 minutes left, you have QB Aaron Rodgers complete a short pass on third and six on the Vikings 39 to WR Greg Jennings, who catches the ball in front of the sticks, but is marked behind by the linesman. As NBC shows clear evidence of Jennings being a yard or more in front of the sticks, do you:

a) Have the play reviewed, seeing how the first down is a real big damn deal

b) No, seriously, just throw the damn challenge flag; even if it fails, you have the lead and two timeouts left

c) Really, you aren't going to throw the challenge flag? Minnesota has a great run defense, especially in short yardage, and your team doesn't do that well. Besides, with the measurement, you've got a ton of time to look at it, and it's not as if you are going to get to the line and quick snap it to catch the Vikings defense off guard

d) Well, OK, if you are that paranoid about looking like Andy Reid for using a challenge to go after a spot, just get the team to the line and have Rodgers sneak for it, seeing how it's left than six inches, and Rodgers might be your best runner, sadly

e) Don't challenge, don't hurry, and call the exact same short yardage play call (a dive to fullback Jon Kuhn) that you tried three plays ago on fourth and one from the Vikings 45

If you've chose (e)... kudos, sir, for crapping the bed in a way that just makes every Packer Fan wonder what the point of replay is, if you don't ever actually use it. But thanks to your defense and Harvin not managing to get his second foot in bounds, you win the game anyway, so your bed crappery will mostly miss the national meme. But keep it in mind, Bed Crapping Enthusiasts... this McCarthy fellow? He has promise.

That's all that we have time for this week. See you next week when we see if... You Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!

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