 |
| Just put it on the jerseys now |
> With WR Jordan Matthews out, Nelson Agholor becomes the WR1 after being a healthy scratch, which makes no sense at all, but whatevs
> After winning the coin toss, Green takes the ball first, which makes no sense at all, but whatevs
> RB Wendell Smallwood goes left and nowhere for a loss of 2, then QB Carson Wentz is batted down on an attempt to TE Zach Ertz that would have gotten nothing
> 3rd and 12 is a 3 of 48 situations, and after a near pick on an attempt to WR Dorial Green-Beckham, that's 3 of 49 and a three and out
> P Donnie Jones gets off a bad kick, Orange starts at their own 47, and this is going sidewise with speed
> RB Jeremy Hill meanders for a yard, then QB Andy Dalton hits WR Brandon LaFell to move the sticks; too much of a cushion by CB/Scapegoat Leodis McKelvin
> DT Bennie Logan jumps to make this even easier, then Hill's got room to get 4
> 3rd and 1 to show that last week's inability to get off the field has carried over is a rollout strike to WR James Wright, who beats CB/Scapegoat Nolan Carroll for the big hit
> Hill for a yard to the 14, then Dalton evades pressure to throw it away against good coverage
> 3rd and keep it to a figgie is Dalton with time, uncalled DPI on LB Nigel Braham as FB Rex Burkhead goes down, and a blown should have been pick
> The idea that either of these teams has playoff hopes is comical at best
> K Mike Nugent, having a terrible year, will, of course, make one against my laundry; he connects from 32, and it's Orange 3, Green 0
> Touchback as Fox lets us know how badly the year has gone, then tricky formation on a give to Smallwood for 3; he gets it again as the left side does the job enough to get him 7 and a first
> Nice work by Smallwood to break a tackle for the first
> From the Green 35, blitz into a screen into a batted ball / near disaster; Wentz didn't disguise that play enough
> Batted ball, catch and near injury on a force to Agholor, and that's the third pass so far where Wentz is very lucky to avoid a pick
> After CB Adam Jones walks off, 3rd and 8 to actually keep the ball for once on a long distance is Wentz getting it with his legs
> Good plays are, of course, followed by bad, so G Isaac Seumolo false starts, then goes off
> Wentz to DG-B, who spins out of content to fall forward for 8
> 2nd and 7 from the Orange 49 is RB Darren Sproles from the pistol, no push from the line, loss of 2 and another not likely third down
> One of those plays that's either the figgie or punt is Wentz from the gun, blitz picked up, but the QB isn't tight enough to DG-B, who has it go through his tall hands because our WRs suck sour milk
> Jones punts, middling return to the Orange 19
> Hill loses 4 and looks sad, because he's on my fantasy team
> WR screen to Wright to get back the running loss, as LB Jordan Hicks closes well
> Quick tempo on third and 9, LaFell is ridiculously open in a bad zone, and that's 24 yards of simple
> Hill on a screen for 4, then hobbles off, because, once more, he's on my team
> Burkhead runs into his own man, leading to a 2 yard loss
> 3rd and 8 and can the expensive line ever get push is Dalton to WR Cody Core, who torches the bumbling Carroll all the way to the Green 5
> This is going to be a blowout, and this team looks DOA
> Hill to the 3 on tolerable dancing, then 3 wides, the defense not seeing obvious run, and the RB bursts in through the definition of uninspired defensive play
> Nugent connects the ever difficult PAT, and it's Orange 10, Green 0, and yeah, typical road "effort"
> Touchback, Smallwood for 2, Wentz pulls it down on open space and gets 6, and the resemblance to the Kansas City attack is striking
> 3rd and 2 is a power formation, toss to Smallwood, and the RB moves the sticks on pure quick
> Play action, plenty of time to throw, Wentz just misses his man high on a pass that looked like he was aiming it
> Sproles jukes for 2, and we've got that long third down that never works
> From the gun, long clock, time to throw and an actual catch against violence on a throw to DG-B; sticks move
> Quick out to Agholor for 5 yards, who didn't cry, drop it, commit a penalty or nothing on that play, so green shoots
> Two straight movement flags because T Allen Barbre isn't good, so, um, great
> 2nd and 15 is an actual snap and play, as Wentz takes Ertz for a middling 6 yards to make the third down conceivable
> 3rd and 8 from the Orange 48 is Wentz to TE Trey Burton, open on a slant, and that's competent line play and a good throw, so lovely
> From the Orange 33, Sproles for very little, then Wentz misses Barner on a covered cross, and the QB had men open deeper than that
> 3rd and don't turn it over or blow the figgie is a bad idea draw to Smallwood, and that looked all kinds of confused
> K Caleb Sturgis from 51 hits the upright, and the joy of being a fan of this laundry continues
> From their own 41, Hill for 3 on long spread, then loses a ton as DE Brandon Graham has this one diagnosed; not sure why Orange thinks a power back should be going sidewise so much
> 3rd and 11 is the line not getting there, Dalton finding WR Tyler Boyd, made worse by a late low hit by Graham, so just your garden variety 36 combined yards disaster play
> From the Green 24, Dalton tries LaFell, and CB Jaylen Mills is incompetent but lucky
> Screen to Hill gets 8, and he's better in the passing game than advertised
> 3rd and 2 is Hill failing on traffic; Orange quickly goes on 4th and 1, with Dalton not getting there on a sneak... but HC Marvin Lewis saves the day with a timeout
> So not only is my laundry losing today, it's losing on good coaching by a guy who is 0 for 7 in playoff games
> Nugent connects from 33, and so much for him having a bad year; my laundry came to town
> Barner takes a close knee as the STs have adjusted to the new normal of not making plays
> Green has 79 yards of offense and no points, but they've held the ball for longer than Orange, so yay
> Burton for 7, Smallwood for 5, actually looks OK
> Wentz has time in the pocket and is very lucky to avoid a pick, yet again; this one was telegraphed to Ertz
> Wentz misses DG-B as G Ron Brooks blows the stunt
> 3rd and 10 and shutout half beckoning is Wentz to Burton again, and he's outplaying Ertz by a lot
> Line is giving the QB way too much time for a scoreless half
> Quick tempo, then a bad ball to Smallwood, who has no one-hand skills
> Long clock, Smallwood for 3, then 3rd and 7 with yet another freaking false start penalty
> Green has the 3rd most flags in the NFL, so no, it's not just you noticing
> Wentz has DG-B wide open on an out with a clean pocket, but just plain misses him; terrible mistake and if you want to tell the story that the kid is regressing over the course of the year, I can't tell you otherwise
> Jones hits it deep, Orange will have bad field position to start
> Burkhead from an exotic formation for 15, because Not Hill is always the best Orange RB
> Orange to the 2-minute warning as the defense continues to suck not stop
> Burkhead gets 2 and out of bounds, setting up a possibly meaningful 3rd and 7; quick tempo, Dalton avoids pressure and converts, because this defense isn't going to make a single goddamned play today
> Dalton to Core for 8, no reason to start trying now, gentlemen
> Burkhead moves the sticks, Orange doesn't call time oddly, then Dalton finds LaFell for 8 as McKelvin barely holds on
> Lewis seems to want to have timeouts at the half
> Dalton incomplete, 31 seconds left, then Dalton to Boyd because every throw against McKelvin works
> From the Green 36, Dalton to TE Tyler Eifert, and the only reason why Orange won't score a touchdown on this drive is bad clock management
> False start on Eifert (drool?), then a simple toss to WR Alex Erickson to the Green 13, because why care now
> With 14 seconds left, Orange finally calls another timeout
> From the Green 13, Dalton to Eifert, and that's a touchdown against coverage by S Rodney McLeod that combined apathy with incompetence
> Nugent misses the PAT just to remind Orange fans that all is not well, as if it will matter to anyone
> Squib kick doesn't end the half, and rather than have his strong-armed rookie QB throw a Hail Mary, Pederson takes a knee, because being down 19 and kicking off to start the second means no extra effort
> Green can't even chase a kickoff properly
> Two meh plays for Orange, then a massive completion to Lafell, can't say I even reacted to it
> Textbook horse collar tackle by Bradham to give 15 extra yards because why not
> Orange feeding Hill now, because when you have a defense that is making no effort, a power back is really your best idea
> 3rd and 5 with one more chance to show pride is an easy score to Lafell, and honestly, feel free to fire people up and down the roster now
> After middling runback to Barner, Wentz rolls out and hits summer wonder WR Paul Turner, who goes for big sports radio call-in yards
> 4-yard jet sweep to Agholor, then the same play to Turner, who moves the sticks; in two plays, he leads the team with 51 receiving yards
> Wentz batted down again, then tipped and picked as he doesn't judge the pressure, and the chance of Green Shutout is still live
> Adding to the fun is a personal foul on Orange, who land on Wentz just to see if they can cause injury and make the year a total washout; this leads to post-whistle fisticuffs
> Hill for zero as Orange does the small favor of running it, then Dalton gets away with grounding on a confetti bucket formation
> 3rd and 10 and how will Orange convert is Dalton to Burkhead, who is stopped before the sticks, then hit in the head for the gift first down because CB Jaylen Watkins leads with the helmet because he's an utter idiot
> Toss to Hill, 2 yards, then 15 more on Bradham who can't make a legal tackle today; to be fair, that call sucked as much as this game
> 10th flag on Green and counting
> Dalton to Boyd, who beats Mills, who never actually looks at the ball when it's in the air; that goes for 29
> Hill for nothing, then again, and he's now got 19 carries for 26 yards; yeesh
> 3rd and 9 and how will Orange convert this time is Dalton to Boyd for 8; they choose to kick the figgie just to get Nugent more involved
> From 26, Nugent makes, and it's 29-0 with 19 minutes left; Orange has scored on every possession today
> Barner shows wheels but can't get past Nugent, setting Green up at the Orange 38 in their continued attempt to avoid a shutout
> Wentz with time, gives up and flips to Ertz for nothing
> Wentz rewards Ertz with an actual throw down the field, and that gets them 20
> From the Orange 18, give to Sproles for 5, then Wentz tries Ertz on a pointless curl, no DPI called either
> 3rd and 5 from the gun is a blitz prayer to Ertz, no chance, and yet again, the rookie QB shows no poise under pressure
> Going for it on 4th because shutouts are fun, Green burns a timeout, and I have no idea who the guy who is in Wentz's jersey is any more
> Going again after the timeout, Wentz to Ertz, wide open in the end zone on a floater, and wow, the TE has now scored twice this year
> Just a defensive breakdown, more than Green competence
> Sturgis connects, and it's 29-7 with 17:30 left
> Speaking as an Ertz owner, I'd like to thank Orange for making my fantasy team's day slightly less than pointless
> With the chance to show an actual spark, Burkhead runs through traffic for 6, so, nope, defense not going to care all day
> Dalton keeps for plenty as the defense combines apathy with incompetence
> Burkhead for 4, clock burning, direct snap tricksy to Hill for 2, and Orange gets what they deserve for confetti bucket plays by having a T go down on friendly fire; that ends the quarter
> 3rd and 4 and will the defense make a stop in this entire wretched game is Dalton to Burkhead for the first, but the RB fumbles at the end of the run, and it's Logan with a nice swipe and hustle play
> From the Green 41, Wentz to Sproles for 6, incomplete, then moves the sticks to DG-B
> Terrible overthrow pick as Wentz forces a deep ball to Ertz; Orange fumbles the ball back into possession, and yeah, if this was an ordinary year and QB situation, we might be seeing the back up by now
> Orange rehabs Burkhead because why not for 5, then a batted ball as the DL decides what the hell, not getting pressure anyway
> 3rd and 5 from the gun is Dalton with time and missing Boyd, who was wide open; make no mistake about this game; Orange hasn't really played well, either
> P Kevin Huber finally works today, with Sproles getting 7 yards on the return; 13 minutes left in this travesty
> Wentz in throw every down mode hits Ertz for 7 yards, then tempos to move the sticks with Sproles
> Wentz after pressure to DG-B for 3, and it's telling that no one goes deep on scramble drills
> Wentz to Ertz for 3, then to Turner to move the sticks against a blitz; that was professional
> From the Orange 35, batted ball, Wentz catches it and runs for 7 yards; at least he competes
> Run to Sproles for 2, ended with a helmet to the head, as if that gets called
> 3rd and 1 clock stoppage on Green timeout (odd), then dropped by DG-B on a collision inside, with both the WR and LB Vontaze Burfict down in the aftermath
> DG-B limps off, and on 4th and 1 from the gun, Wentz audibles to a slant to Agholor, who moves the sticks like a real live WR
> From the Orange 18, Sproles for 7 yards, then Wentz tries Burton on a terrible screen that doesn't work
> 3rd and 3 from the Orange 11 is Wentz with time, then running into the sack; Turner get wiped out on a non-call
> 4th and 5 from the Orange 13 is Wentz to Agholor, moves the sticks again; good throw
> From the 5, Sproles to the 2 as if running plats with the score the way it is could be defensible
> Sproles gets it in from the 2, and good for him, I guess
> Sturgis connects, and it's Orange 29, Green 14, more effort late than anticipated; 15 play drive in 6 minutes isn't exactly a quick strike offense, though
> With 6:53 left, Orange calls time to make sure they aren't prone to the super surprising onsides kick play
> Green tries it anyway, and it's scooped up without incident by LaFell
> Burkhead for 6 on a flip; bit odd they haven't gone back to Hill late after a fumble
> Orange tries another confetti bucket play on a throw to tackle Jake Fisher, who fumbles it on Bradham's pressure, and Green suddenly has the ball again at their own 44 with 6:14 left
> Fisher gets hurt as well, which means that Orange is going to lose this game even while winning
> Marvin Lewis is a super genius, honestly
> Wentz with time to Sproles for 8, need pace, then hits Burton for an out to move the sticks; had the ball not led him out, could have had more yards
> From the Orange 38, Wentz tipped again by Karlos Dunlap, then Wentz hits Sproles on a slow and in-bounds screen for 3 yards of gah
> 3rd and 7 from the Orange 35 is long clock, then Wentz to Turner against a blitz; ahead of the sticks
> 4th and 3 with 4 minutes left is last play time, and Wentz is picked off by Burfict to close things up
> Just an I have no idea throw from Wentz for Pick #3, and while the kid kept trying today, he's just been a turnover machine
> Hill from the Green 20 loses 5 just to make sure his day is a touchdown only mess for his fantasy owners; Green timeout
> Hill gets back the 5, forcing the final Eagle timeout
> Movement to force a long third, then Hill anyway for 5 more, because Lewis needs to force feed Nugent some more
> On the last play that could be said to continue drama (as if), Nugent connects from 38 on a bounce job, and it's Orange 32, Green 14
> Honestly, I have no idea why Nugent has a job, but he's got 14 points today, as if anyone is playing him in fantasy
> Smallwood stopped at his 12, then Wentz trying to avoid the 4-INT day starts with Ertz for 8
> Sproles for 6, with Orange giving up the meaningless yards
> Wentz to Turner for 14, out of bounds before the 2 minute drill
> Wentz to Turner for a yard, and that was a bad ball that the kid caught anyway; he's shown enough to keep playing
> Wentz to Burton for 12, stat paddery
> Wentz to Turner, finally can't catch one as it's on one had
> Wentz to Barner for two off blitz pressure, came through clean
> Wentz to Ertz, moves the sticks, makes his fantasy people happy
> Wentz to Ertz, simple out, stat paddery writ large
> Wentz tries Burton, overthrows into triple coverage, if that wasn't a throwaway, another inexplicable decision
> From the Orange 24, Wentz out of bounds near Turner, the QB is over 300 yards on 60 attempts
> Wentz throws it up for grabs on 4th down on a full blitz near Burton, and the stat paddery is over
> Bengals win for the first time since October, I can't see the Eagles winning again until 2017, and on the plus side, our rookie QB is still healthy; otherwise, I have nothing good to say about this laundry right now
