Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Top 10 takeaways from the Tigers taking a 3-0 ALCS lead over the Yankees

Mistake, Erased
10) Once again, the poor Yankee franchise faces elimination from the grave error of failing to buy all of the best players

9) Since Edwin Nunez was the only guy to score or drive in a run in tonight's loss, Yankee Fan can't even blame this on the lack of Derek Jeter

8) Justin Verlander came out after 132 pitches, but at least he, you know, came out, so that's something, I guess

7) Raul Ibanez's failure to come through in the ninth inning means that his True Yankee Status is officially on notice

6) Delmon Young is now the all-time career leader in Tiger home runs, which probably isn't doing much for Ty Cobb in Hell

5) Saving CC Sabathia for Game Four was the right move, in that it gives the Yankees their best chance to achieve their full potential for this series -- avoiding a sweep

4) Miguel Cabrera now has a 16-game hitting streak in LCS play, which means that he's nearly as good as Delmon Young

3) Phil Hughes got hurt in this game, which would matter if the Yankees' season had more than two games left

2) Not to have sympathy for the 1%, but once the Yankees are eliminated, the MLB playoffs will be completely devoid of interest for anyone but the fans of the remaining teams

1) The final takeaway was lost by the writer in a fit of shaudenfraudey giggling, as he went away from the computer to buy mayonnaise for his second favorite holiday of the year... Yankee Elimination Day

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Top 10 takeaways from the firing of Juan Castillo

Hopefully, he's put cash in the bank
Today, the Eagles ended the 22-game failed experiment of turning an offensive line coach into a defensive coordinator. As always, FTT has What You Need To Know...

10) This is the first time that Coach For Life Andy Reid has fired a coach in midseason in his 14-year career, which means that Castillo, who worked here for 18 years,  is clearly so bad as to merit special treatment... and a contract renewal, um, six months ago

9) Shockingly, Reid took full responsibility in the same numbly matter-of-fact way that he's taken responsibility for everything for all time, which more or less means that it's impossible for him to do that anymore

8) Some people feel that Nnamdi Asomugha can be blamed for putting the knife in Castillo's back, but that would imply that Asomugha could actually still stay close enough to someone to do that

7) It's a wee bit telling that the first reaction among Eagle Fans wasn't Ding Dong The Juan Is Dead, but to attack Reid for the move

6) If Michael Vick weren't a turnover machine, the team might be 4-2 or 5-1, so Eagle Fan really needs to thank the QB for being such a giving person

5) The final straw was when Castillo made the pass rushers wear ankle weights for the last two games

4) If you think that this move puts Reid's job at risk, and that he needs to win a Super Bowl to keep the gig for a 15th year... you probably also believe that Lucy isn't going to pull away the football

3) Reid hinted that more changes might be coming, so you can rest assured that dramatic punter releases are on the way

2) This was all a canny move by Reid to make Falcons CB Asante Samuel ineffective for the game after the bye, since he'll be too busy making that Nelson Muntz "Ha Ha" laugh to cover anyone

1) Todd Bowles gets the job now, and a honeymoon period that will rival that of the real refs

FTT Off-Topic: Fiona Apple in Red Bank

As always with FTT O-T, this won't be about sports and you can move along to some other Web site if such things offend.

Tonight in Red Bank, NJ, I took the Shooter Eldest, now 12, to her first concert. It was the aforementioned Ms. Apple, who has been worming her way into every inch of consciousness for much of the last year. Here's how she opens her set...



And here's my best guess on the set list, with occasional clips from the Internet.

Fast As You Can
On the Bound
Shadowboxer
Paper Bag



Anything We Want
Get Gone
Periphery
Sleep to Dream
Extraordinary Machine



Werewolf
Left Alone
I Know
Tymps (The Sick In The Head Song)
Every Single Night



Daredevil
Not About Love
It's Only Make Believe



So, five things from one of the five best shows I've ever seen...

1) The leg thing she does, where she spends a third of her time while singing approximating a crane? I can tell you from hundreds of gigs and lots of training that this does nothing good for you as a vocalist, and would be removed with haste by any instructor. Apple, of course, does enough of it to qualify as some sort of Tourette's twitch, with seemingly no effect whatsoever on her vocal. I have no idea how she does this, or many other things, really.

2) This is going to sound absolutely ludicrous on every level, and it is, but... watching this woman reminded me of my own stunted and sorry rock and roll frontman career, in that whatever success I had came from the same sellout for every moment intensity that she brings, and her seeming inability to perform the material without channeling all kinds of demons. So watching her is like some kind of ultimate fun house mirror, assuming that there's a mirror that could have given me 1000X more talent and female. This all adds to the incredibly odd feelings you get from watching her, which also includes...

3) A not inconsiderable feeling of parental concern. No, seriously. There's something clearly wrong with Apple, something broken and open and vulnerable and tiny and off, to the point that when I watch her, I honestly *worry* about her. She's way too good at what she does to self-destruct and not make (many) more albums, and when you see her, you don't feel great about her chances for long-term productivity. No one's going to an Apple show thinking that they can will be able to just go see her all the time.

4) Similarly, there's true rock and roll unpredictability, too, mostly because Apple's skill level is off the charts, along with the sensitivities. At any moment, she can jump octaves in ways that make you wonder if she shouldn't be doing Sondheim pyrtotechnics, command the crowd and excellent backing band with random controlled pauses, improv to lyric repeats and scattered phrasing... and it all, somehow, works. To call her a lyrical tightrope walker doesn't do justice to the feat; it's more like that, but with juggling, a stiff wind and artillery involved.

5) It's been years since I've been to a live show, and the years have not been kind to performers. Apple was spectacular tonight, but you'd never know from the more than occasional idiots with cell phones, verbal diarrheists and drunken scenesters that were up in the cheap seats with me and the eldest tonight. Apple didn't perform an encore tonight -- it seems to be something she doesn't generally do, which somehow makes sense for her -- and on some level, I'm glad about that, because the crowd didn't deserve more. And it's just a rainy Monday night in a small town on the outskirts of New York, so go, by all means, and let me get my dazzled kid back home early enough where she can get to school in the morning. (Wearing a tour T-shirt, of course.)

And most importantly... my daughter loved it, and I was able to give her a first concert experience that she won't be embarrassed by later. Which, in and of itself, makes this one of the best shows I've ever gone to...

Monday, October 15, 2012

The 2012 Eagles: Thought I'd Something More To Say

Fritter and Waste
Outside of my home today, it was 74 degrees at 2:45pm. The sun was out, the humidity was low, and the recent cold snap has taken some of the zest out of this year's rampant mosquito population. As I looked down at my 5-month old puppy, he looked back at me, and pulled me towards the ball box. Come on, Dad. It's beautiful outside. Let's play.

Instead, I did what I've done for the past 38 years. I went back inside and watched the Eagles game.

My puppy doesn't know, of course, that days like this are very finite on the East Coast, and in a month or two, it will be cold and miserable with limited hours of sunlight. I won't want to be outside, and he won't want to be, either. He's a smart dog. And he's also smart enough to eventually just find the kids, and play with them.

Since, well, I will be watching the Eagles.

But let's get away from the dog. As I looked down at my computer and the live blog on the game, I saw the work that needs to be completed this week. We'll start with the preparation for the NBA fantasy draft that will happen on Saturday morning. That will happen about nine hours after the Friday night home poker game completes, which means that I'm going to be pretty much pulling an all-nighter this weekend. I will also be out late tomorrow night as I take my eldest daughter to her first concert (Fiona Apple, in Red Bank, NJ, about an hour away from my home). And today was the day after seven hours of driving, after eight hours in an amusement park with the kids.

So, instead of taking a nap, or doing the yard work, or prepping for the draft, or spending time with the kids, or winterizing the house, or a thousand other things that bore some measure of utility...

I watched the Eagles.

And, well, this would be true and wrong and vicey even if they weren't a terrible team, which, of course, they are. But since they are a terrible team, it's especially infuriating.

The other day, I was walking through a sports apparel place, thinking about updating my Donovan McNabb jersey. The options weren't palatable -- I really can't see Michael Vick or Nnamdi Asomugha here for more than a few years at best, and just don't feel that matched to Shady McCoy or DeSean Jackson. And if I had to have one, maybe Mychal Kendricks or Nate Allen could work out. It's also, well, a silly purchase and an expensive one. But more importantly, it's worse money after bad, doubling down on the crap bet, the move that can't possibly make me feel good about it later.

Because there will be ten -- no more, trust me, no more -- Eagles games left in 2012.

They will be maddening, erratic, pointless and dispiriting. They will be marked by wasted efforts, poor timeout management, critical lapses in ball security, and offensive line play that will cap their potential even when they play a clean game.

I'll watch, because after 35+ years of this, I can't not watch.

But I'm not going to care that much. Because I really didn't care when they blew the game today, and didn't even really care that much when these all happened in 2011.

You see, I'm in the worst possible stage of fandom, the one where your team can no longer disappoint you, because you are just too disappointed in yourself for watching them in the first place.

Now, there are many out there in Eagles Nation that are just waiting for the end of the Vick Era, and think that this whole thing will be better when he's gone. I get that, especially when the turnovers mount and the timeouts are wasted and the disaster plays and inexcusable throws outnumber the Wow Artist moments by an ever-increasing ratio.

But I think it goes a long way past the current eminently disposable QB, and more to the man who brought him here, Coach For Life Andy Reid.

And seeing how I've thought this for many, many years now, and I'm really not alone in that process, I'm left with the following idea...

It goes beyond Reid, too.

No, it's really up to Jeff Lurie, the owner of this team, the man who has been so eager to be the Patriots for so long that he's never come to the grips with the idea that being the Patriots means having a guy who is as smart, as demanding, as innovative and as relentless as Bill Belichick...

When, in fact, he's got a morbidly obese enabling sack of goo who coddles his stars, coaches, media and, yes, his owner, in an ever-growing pile of insincere excuses and willingness to take The Blame.

Jeff Lurie is what's wrong with this franchise, because Jeff Lurie is the man who has employed Andy Reid for this long.

And people like me, and quite possibly you, who watch this team whether they deserve our time or not, enable Jeff Lurie.

So I pretty much hate myself for watching the Eagles now, and pretty much hate them, and then go back to hating myself for caring enough to hate them.

It's a fun place to be. A really great choice for your fall Sundays.

And why, I suspect, people who are smart, and my age, eventually learn to stop caring very much about sports at all, or lose their team allegiances entirely.

(Why, yes, I did have Mikel LeShoure, the Lions' RB, on my fantasy team today. And was pretty much OK with him scoring a touchdown.)

So... I'm going to enjoy the bye week, folks. After all...

It's the only week of the year in which you don't feel like a world-class moron... to be an Eagles Fan.

And the only week of the year in which this little ditty isn't the soundtrack as you think all of these thoughts...

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Top 10 NFL Week Six Ad Questions

Don't tell us that she's got a rack
10) If I buy a Ford truck, will I be insufferable in my self-pity about my work load?

9) Are Bank of America users so desperately alone that they hold long conversations with their dogs?

8) Are Visa's NFL contest winners also required to clean up the locker room and do the laundry?

7) Why doesn't the retirement-challenged E*Trade user sell the irritating talking baby's organs for cash?

6) How much could Geico cut my rates if they didn't spend $1 billion a year on these pointless ads?

5) Wouldn't it be easier and more lucrative for Microsoft to just cut us checks to change to Windows 8, rather than go through all of this advertising?

4) If Allstate's Mayhem is a streaker, shouldn't he be out of the suit?

3) Why is Nissan blowing up their old cars?

2) How come the Verizon tuba player kid is such a douche about his dad not being at his recital, when the rest of his freaking family made it?

1) When parents ask their kids to keep secrets from their spouses, is it really something that you want attached to your car company?