Top 10 reasons why the Browns sold for over One Billion Dollars

10) New owner Jimmy Haslam is hairless, favors unitards, and likes to suck on his pinkie

9) Believe it or not, a billion dollars means the Browns are worth less than the median NFL franchise, which is why NFL owners light their cigars with peasants

8) By matter of default, something in Cleveland needs to be worth money

7) Team's constant turnover at the skill positions offers incredibly lucrative merch and jersey sale opportunities

6) As they enjoy a loyal following without wins, there's such potential here in the event that they ever fall into some, you know, talent

5) Their new owner made his money in truck stops, so the counting skills may not be all there

4) Haslam is an ex-owner of the Steelers, so he had to pay a cost premium for his terrible, terrible betrayal

3) New ownership is under the impression that the franchise has a rich and storied history, all the while forgetting that all got packed up and shipped to Baltimore

2) As the Browns were bought in 1998 for $530 million, and have made the playoffs once in 15 years, it seems only fair for the Lerner family to turn a $470 million profit

1) The very rich are different from you and me, in that they can fail over and over again and still get paid

Top 10 takeaways from Jose Canseco filing for bankruptcy

Speed, Power, Class: The Total Package

10) Some how, despite all of the arrests, reality shows, publicity stunts and divorces, hasn't adapted well to life after baseball

9) He owes over half a million dollars to the IRS, which means that, as taxpayers, we are all legally cleared to take anything of his we can grab

8) Jose lives in Las Vegas, which has to be some part of  the issue here, right?

7) None of the eight teams that employed him to hit a combined 462 homers over 16 years seem to, well, care if he goes hungry or not

6) This doesn't have anything to do with anything, but he did somehow steal 200 bases in his career, including a crazy 29 for 46 when he was a 34-year-old Blue Jay

5) This is a good lesson to the youth of America not to turn to Celebrity Boxing

4) Baseball, of course, will never forgive him for being, well, right about the whole steroid thing, let alone actually using them without dying

3) There is no truth to the rumor that without Jim Rome, he'd be homeless by now

2) To be fair, he only made $45 million in his 16 years in baseball, so I think we can all agree that bankruptcy is totally understandable

1) We'll all know when he's truly hit rock bottom when he sells his treasured 2000 Yankees World Series championship ring

Top 10 reasons why Roger Goodell is fine with scab refs

10) Just gets him one step closer to having every decision made by instant replay

9) Without playing hardball with the refs, the league is sure to fold from not making enough money

8) Knows that if he just holds out long enough, the regular refs won't be able to hold out, seeing as how they are all hooked on meth

7) As Bountygate shows, he's just, oh, a wee bit utterly mad with unchecked power and venality

6) Thinks that the best way to improve player safety is to bring in a much of clueless middle-aged guys to run around in the middle of their game

5) Believes that the current refs, with their decades of experience in dealing with intense media and player scrutiny, clearly aren't any better than noobs

4) If you are a sports league commish and don't engage in union-busting activities, all of the other czars laugh at you

3) Understands that real football fans want old-school violence and hitting, which is to say, they want refs who don't have any idea what the current pussy-footed NFL rules are

2) They are only working preseason games to start, which means they are only working the biggest rip-off in American sports

1) Convinced that now that the players truly understand his power, penalties will cease to exist, since they will honor all rules rather than risk his ire

Top 10 takeaways from the MLB Trading Deadline

At least Shane's bobble head day isn't in 3 weeks

10) The Phillies were so devastated to lose Hunter Pence and Shane Victorino, they curb-stomped Stephen Strasburg in an 8-0 road win

9) The Los Angeles Angels of Rancho Cucumonga traded for Zach Greinke, then announced that they were going to sign him with the money they'll save after Vernon Wells is killed in a suspicious accident

8) The Yankees' chose not to shore up their failing and injury-prone pitching, because Joba Chamberlain is close to coming back to be fresh, failing and injury-prone

7) Now that the Dodgers have Victorino and Hanley Ramirez, they are sure to win in the 2009 World Series

6) Pittsburgh stretched the definition of "trading for an All Star" by adding Gaby Sanchez

5) Texas picked up Ryan Dempster, because trading for the last name pitcher with big career numbers in the NL Central has worked out so well for them

4) Now that Justin Upton knows he's going to stay the rest of the year in Arizona, he can relax and work on finishing the year with the same whimper he's played it in

3) Philly Fan is entirely OK with the outfielder moves, because now he'll have 2 full months of telling Dom Brown he's a bum, rather than the couple of weeks they were expecting

2) Neither Oakland nor Baltimore made any moves of consequence, because neither team has any idea of what to do when they find themselves in blue snow pennant races

1) In case you are looking for individual team winners and losers, just follow the age-old rule and assume the Cubs lost

Top 10 takeaways from the Olympic badminton scandal

The Chinese women's doubles team threw their match to South Korea to get a better draw later. Here's all you need to know...

10) Spectators jeered both teams for trying to lose on purpose to get a better draw, then endured jeering from the players for not watching a better sport

9) John McEnroe was irate watching this, which is to say, John McEnroe was awake

8) The video footage was even more embarrassing than normal for badminton

7) The outcome really infuriated the saddest gamblers on the planet

6) To be fair, if you had to wear these outfits, you'd probably want to disgrace your sport and nation, too

5) The last time this little effort was made in chasing a shuttlecock, Katie Holmes lost her faith

4) Spectators demanded their money back, only to remember that no one has ever actually paid money to watch badminton

3) Depending on your point of view, this is the best or worst thing to ever happen to the, um, sport

2) The ref chastised both teams, but to be fair, it's not like the players haven't heard that sort of thing for years

1) It's probably not a good sign that, to the untrained eye, it's pretty hard to tell the teams were throwing the game, or that they were women