We Read Bill Simmons, So You Don't Have To

I feel bad for ESPN's Sports Guy. It's sad that, after his new contract, they can't afford to get him an editor anymore. So in that light, here's three points (I could have gone for more, but my hands keep wanting to put salt in my eyes) from today's, um, exercise, that could have used another look.

After the Celtics failed to get Duncan, I dumped the blonde a few weeks later, mostly because I never forgave myself for watching the lottery with her. (Don't worry, we wouldn't have lasted -- sorta-girlfriends never do.) -- ESPN Bill Simmons, today

Thanks for telling us, Bill. I'm not sure I'd have gotten to sleep tonight over that one.

Name me a team that suffered more trauma since the mid-'80s: Lenny Bias and Reggie Lewis, the demolition of the Boston Garden, the M.L. Carr era, the Duncan lottery, the Pitino era, the Paul Pierce stabbing, the Vin Baker trade, Red Auerbach's death, Doc Rivers' second life. ... After 16 titles in 30 years, it's been a preposterously brutal stretch of bad luck.

Not since Alanis Morrisette (see, Bill, a pop music reference! You can keep reading!) sang the song "Ironic" has a public figure missed the point of a word before.

Bill, the Garden, Carr, Duncan, Pitino, Baker, and Rivers were not bad luck. They were bad decisions. Bad luck is what losers cry when they can't handle the scoreboard. Auerbach was what happens when people get old. Read up on it.

And even if we did believe in luck, some among us might think you've *just* started to pay for the 16 titles in 30 years. Please go to dictionary.com and read up on the word "insufferable."

Please tell me we're due. For the love of God, TELL ME WE'RE DUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn't going to for three exclamation points, but since you went to 18, I guess you're due.

Oh, and Bill? You're not on the team. Change your freaking pronouns.

Update and Editor's Note: Thank you, God and David Stern, for giving the Celtics the fifth and worst possible pick in the draft. Now, we too can die in peace.